I turned 40 a few months ago and am quite disapointed with my life to say the least. I have stopped smoking ciggies for about 3 months now. I had smoked ciggies since I was 18, 20 years or so.
Only once I stopped smoking did I go crazy, well, the Zyban helped the craziness come out of me and what I mean by craziness are issues that I have not dealt with. I had to quit the Zyban after a short 3 weeks because it also made me as angry as hell, I nearly lost my job, had to apologise to a client although he was in the wrong but.... I also kicked my car door panel in at the time, one day I also gave up in life and shouted "this is the end, I have had enough"!
Quitting smoking was extremely easy, going mad was the order of the day!
I grew up in a disfunctional jewish family, my father is a holocaust survivor, he was normally angry and moody and we (other older brother left remaining in the house, others had moved out ) used to scatter when he arrived home from work. I am the youngest with a 15 year gap between myself and my oldest darling brother who now lives far away on another continent.
My dad was in various camps between the ages of 9 and 13 or so, he did his best but unfortunately did not acknowledge that he was disturbed from it and never got treatment.
I am now in a worse position than him, I have no family of my own, I am living in the old family home thanks to drug abuse over the last 14 years or so. I have quit the dagga for three weeks now and had been smoking it regularly for about 19 years. I am now clean.
I have never been sexually abused as far as I can remember, I went to drug rehab in 2000 and was one of three voted most likely to get off the drugs.
I cannot deal with confrontations, I begin to shake, tremble at least. When I had physical altercations with my dad I used to see white.
I could not concentrate in school, did not do very well. I had 3 older brothers and I was kinda left to my own devices. My late mom was a real sweetheart, never harmed a fly and always gave to charity, she battled with cancer for the last 15 years of her life and passed about 8 years ago. I have not dealt with her passing either.
When I am terribly sad and start to cry I cannot, I get to the point where my skin flutters but then it all goes away, I mention this because I hear that crying is good for a person. This makes me angry and frustrated at the time.
I also have a memory of an elephant when it comes to all the bad things that happened in my life, I always refer/think back to all the bad times and bad decisions and occurances in my past, it seems I allow it to determine my future!
I have had a few bad experiences with some healthcare professionals in the past, I don't really know why...
I eventually found quite a good psychologist but she was to angry and was doing to me what others had done to me in my past so I ran away from her, what a pity, she might have been on the right track. She seemed to be more capable with the ladies than men, it came across that she had issues with men. I had a session with her when she started shouting at me when I said something that brought something up in her!
I don't know how much I must write here, let me stop for now and see what you guys have to say as I could write my whole life story which will be quite long...
I would really appreciate all the help I can get, I need to come right and feel if I don't come right in a year or so I must start heroin or something to end my life and give it up!
