Sufferer Hi To Everyone

[danny33]

Hi all.
My names Dan and this is my first post on the forum . I've visited often though.
I hope I can start by telling you my story it is so hard but here go's....
I'm from the uk In 2004 I was involved in a night time hunting accident that cost a teenage boy his life. I didn't fire the gun or have a licence for it but I did make decisions that evening that contrubuted to his death. I was in my early 20's at the time and for 7 years after the accident I carried on with life and tryed to think about it as little possible. With the birth of my third child 2 years ago I changed and lifes stressors began to wear on me. 18 months ago this turned into full blown panic and anxiety and subsequent depression and delayed onset ptsd. I'm taking lofepramine and remeron which are helping with the panic and anxiety but i am still having traumatic memories, thoughts about how his family must be coping and obsessive thoughts and fears about suicide and going mad. I can't even hear about children being hurt on the tv or in the newspaper without breaking down.
I'm not asking for forgiveness.
I just want to know, will I ever find peace?
That poor poor boy.
But i have to be here for my kids and everyday life is so hard at the moment.
If any one of a thousand things had been different :(

 

[scout86]

Welcome to the forum. What you're dealing with seems like it would be very hard.

If any one of a thousand things had been different

That's so very true, isn't it? And your part in those thousand things was probably smaller than you want to believe. And had you acted differently, perhaps the only change would have been a different path to the same outcome.

Are you getting therapy, besides the drugs? It seems like being able to talk through this and try to frame it as accurately as possible would help. I think things CAN get better. It's hard to do all on your own.

Anyway, sorry for your loss and your troubles, but glad to have you here!

 

[Nam]

Dan, you can go through all the what ifs and all the decisions you would have made differently, but most often than not, it harms you to think this way. It doesn't help at all. It is done. Let that grief come over you, but also be strong while you feel it.

When trauma happens during the "coming of age" part of life, it's hard to put it in perspective. Later in on in life, when you've matured, or even deepened your feelings, you might see the traumatic incident in different ways. For example, I also have delayed onset PTSD. It didn't come around until I have found love, married, and had two little girls of my own. My love had deepened. My feelings had widened. I had grown. I had a small relapse when my oldest child arrived at the age that I was first abused. I handled it as best as I could. It is a similar milestone that brought on the relapse recently. The age of my youngest daughter nearing the age of the abuse. Sometimes it's the growth we feel that triggers us. You might find fault in the way you handled it then because of the person you are now. It doesn't mean you should tear yourself apart because of the feelings you feel. It just means you've grown emotionally to handle the feelings. Another way to think of it is this: you are now capable of loving selflessly to your children, that in turn, has helped you explore the feelings the parents of this boy must have felt. It's almost too much to bear, but now you have an inkling of understanding. I know that feels dreadful. It causes fear. It can even manifest into paranoia, but it's also growth. You've allowed yourself to love another. In order to make room for that love, you need to deal with painful memories.

I'm glad you found us. Peace is attainable. But it takes work.

 

[illusionist]

Welcome Danny...hope you find peace and acceptance.

 

[SeanCharles]

Welcome to the forum! May you find peace and acceptance here while in the company of others.

 

[Senecia]

My dad says to me, "If 'if' was a fifth, we'd all be drunk." and I like it. It's true. It's so hard to wonder about all the possibilities as they're endless. The only thing we can do is come to peace about it. I really think that it's possible for every one of us here, no matter the trauma, to feel relief. I've only been here for a few days, but it's already helped me understand myself and history. I'm sure it'll help you too. Welcome!

 

[Tanishq]

Danny33 welcome to the forums. Yes, you will find peace because it is available for all. Sorry to see you are struggling at the moment.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Welcome to the Forum mate, you have come across a great support network here. Sending a virtual Forum:hug: from Devon if you accept it buddy.

Laurie

 

[Friday]

Welcome, Dan

 

[danny33]

Thanks so much for all your replies, it feels good just to let things out and be heard. You know wen I was a kid I always saw the world with rose tinted goggles, Sometimes these days the world seems like such cruel place and I look and my kids and it makes me want to cry, they are so innocent and see the world as I once did.
I am having therapy and I hope this will begin to help in time.
I hope I can help others here in anyway I can.
Thanks for the hug Laurie I'm also a Devonite down here in Totnes :-)

 

[intothelight]

@danny33 Welcome to the forum!

A big part of PTSD is getting caught up in the "what if's" and that is where therapy can really help. With recovery come peace and an ability to enjoy and see the good in life again.