Sufferer Hi - Traumatic Childhood / Parental Neglect

[quaintpapercut]

Hi - I've been reading here for a couple of months now as I became more comfortable with my diagnosis of ptsd and thought it was time to register. Its been very helpful for me to read other people's stories and experiences as it helps me to not feel as alone. I have been off work now for the past 6 months as I finally reached a breaking point where I was just unable to function anymore. The concept of being "ill" is something that is very new to me as I'm an over achiever & perfectionist and always prided myself on never showing any weakness or vulnerabilities. Therapy has been slow going and most times feel likes nails on a chalkboard as it is very difficult for me to open up and share my internal world with other people. But I do feel like I'm making progress as I'm starting to actually "feel" and remember things (which is terrifying!). I'm not comfortable sharing details of my experiences as I am still adjusting to them myself. But I am comfortable sharing that I had a strange childhood with a mother who was seemingly indifferent to me while I was growing up -there was a lot of cruelty and emotional neglect and I was pretty much left to fend for myself (she didn't watch the way a parent should). As an adolescent, I pretty much ran wild and ended up in a lot of really dangerous situations with men who seemed to have a sixth sense of the damage and vulnerabilities that lurked beneath - and took advantage of that.

I have difficulty staying asleep, my digestive system is a complete mess and my ability to focus, concentrate or remember things is seriously lacking. I have serious fears of being attacked or someone breaking into my home and I'm constantly bombarded with intrusions of traumatic memories. I also disassociate on a frequent basis.

I'm taking things day by day and look forward to becoming a contributing member to this site :)

 

[Philippa]

Hi quaintpapercut.

I think the way you took your time getting to be comfortable with this site was wise and you seem to be accepting of where you are at right now, which should do well in your favor for recovery, as you go along.

Welcome aboard.:)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum :) Glad you are reaching out for help and support.

Take care of yourself. :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum...

 

[beehee]

Hi kid I would like to offer support here as I have been also basically ignored from birth and thought of as I feel a waste of space, always criticised by my father for anything I tried to do as not good enough, has left me confused.

I dont have a healthy view of the world as I dont understand what is healthy and I'm scared its all going to be wasted on me.

I disassociate on a regular basis as nothing makes sense or gives me enjoyment to make a contribution to and deep down I feel like whats the point, I've been rejected so many times for just being me, I dont trust myself who I am, I dont know who I am, I've never had that close loving relationship where I was safe to find that out without getting burned. So my view of new people, is I'm scared and confused.

I have also been in inappropriate relationships with guys just for the attention, because there definetly wasnt any love. I still yern for that closeness with someone. very much so

 

[Sammy]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Brinsanity]

Welcome to the forum.

I hope you are able to find some comfort here, knowing you are not alone. My mother didn't pay attention to me and my brother at all, our older adopted sisters were abusive. My brother was able to fight them off, being bigger than I was, and older. I started being abused around age 3, and it lasted until I was 11 and my sister moved in with her boyfriend. I tried to tell multiple times, but was always called a liar. A few times after that, she came around to let me know I should still be afraid of her. I blamed my mother for a very long time, for not protecting me, caring about me, or loving me enough to notice bruises and burns. I focus on my relationship with my mother a lot in therapy, because I still try to maintain a relationship with my family- but am often left feeling broken and used, like I did as a child.

Therapy has really helped me cope with the fact that I didn't really have a mom, she wasn't a mom to me, she gave birth to me, and gave me a home, but she didn't have room to love me. It still hurts, and I'm not sure that will ever get easier, but I have been able to feel less guilt and shame. I learned it wasn't me, it is her own short coming. And it's allowed me to have contact with her, without hating her. I hope you have a therapist to talk to about it with. If you don't, you need to search for one.

I'm praying for you in your journey. I am new here myself. The journey to healing isn't easy, but it happens right?

 

[quaintpapercut]

hi - thanks for the welcome and for sharing your experiences :)

After my initial posting I avoided this place like the plague for some reason and couldn't bring myself to come back :bag:.

Beehee - I understand what you mean about having an unhealthy view of the world and the damage that is done when you feel constantly rejected for simply existing. Our sense of self and purpose becomes entirely devoted to trying for that crumb of affection or attention from your parent (in my case it was my mother). I'm not sure what I like because so much of my energy has been spent on making decisions on what I thought would bring me favour from my mother.

Brinsanity - therapy has been helpful for me as well to understand what it means to have healthy attachments. I'm glad you've found some peace with the situation and are able to at least have some form of contact with her. I'm completely estranged from my entire family right now (mom, dad, sister) as I just couldn't do it anymore. It's just such a bizarre situation really when I look back on my childhood and even the "relationship" I had with her as an adult.