Hidden Lies...

[Universal Truths]

I live 1500 miles from home and have a FB that most of my family are on even tho we don't speak I have felt the need to create this fake utopia about my life so my family wouldn't feel pity,shame, sorrow etc... I post how happy and wonderful life is but it's a lie upon lie upon lie. I no longer feel connected to these people who live their lives freely without fear, mothers speaking of their passionate love for their children while I cant even feel mine when I hug them, it's almost like a robotic sensation. Do I love my girls? I'm sure I do, I would die for them without question but this numbness has taking the sensations of loving and happy feelings. I almost feel beneath these perfect suburban, minivan driving soccer moms who spend their days satisfying the needs of their family, while I stroll through my days like a zombie. No matter how many pretend post I add to fairy book one person can see straight through that bullshit, my father. He can see past my fake smile right into my eyes that are not alight with life. He can hear it in my voice whenever I pick up the phone, sometimes I don't pick up the phone for weeks at a time. I don't want him to know that I'm struggling with this. He asked me one time what Iraq was like and after my eyes welled up he never asked again. I guess what I am trying to say is I feel like I don't belong in their perfect civilian world. Do you ever feel like you don't belong?

 

[Spock]

Most everyone on FB is presenting the best face of things. It is expected. No need to air one's dirty laundry in public especially when you have enough to deal with just as a wounded warrior, mother of two. and spouse of another wounded warrior. That is enough for any one person, too much for many of your contacts on FB. Like everyone already said before, you're very strong.

I've dealt with the same social media scenario. Sometimes you need to walk away for awhile, people do that from time to time whether they were in the military or not. As a mom, your expected to be too busy to report in or keep up. If it is frustrating you, a trigger for you, then spend less time there for awhile.

Focus on yourself first, then you can decide when you're ready to come out of the PTSD closet to anyone close to you that you want support from, otherwise it is no one else's business. Many only share with other wounded warriors for both sides benefit. Look at it as your privacy, your business, not as hidden lies. There is another thread on here about shame. It is all very real for us. Adding more layers of guilt makes it harder. Try starting with taking care of the things you can, remove one brick at a time.

Start with giving yourself credit for being a combat wounded warrior.

Stay safe

 

[JarHed]

Do you ever feel like you don't belong?

Always and still. There are times and people that I feel a bit better with but for the most part I still feel like a stranger in town. I've lived in the same town, street and house for 33 years and will probably always feel like an outsider. There's two sides to that; mine and theirs. It's a shame that we feel like this but it's kinda' normal, if you want to call it that, for what we've been through.

It' doesn't mean that I don't have a life and enjoy it at time either. I do. It will always be a struggle to be us.

 

[Sarg]

Jar, it may very well be not us or the beast. I've noticed a change in people in general since moving back up here. People don't wave and say "Howdy" like they used to. Not one neighbor came over and introduced themselves when I moved in. Don't get me wrong, I've got great neighbors...quite and respectful. And I try my best to be nice, like snow blow the sidewalks in front of both houses each side of me. Not one single thanks.

So, it just might not be us so much as people have grown more distant from each other. Sad, really, as this used to be the friendliest little town.

Sarg

 

[Spock]

Hmmmm Sarg, that just may be the elephant in the room

 

[Zipperhead]

Hey truth. You ever wonder how many other people on face book are putting up window dressing? We all want to project the image that we're doing as good as the next guy. No one ever posts the embarassing shit. It's all one big utopia where our pet unicorns never get sick. But it does allow us to keep in touch, even on an artificial level. So why worry about playing the chirade? That's what it's there for.

As for the numbness, it does get better. Get into therapy and work on it. Your girls need that hug.

 

[JarHed]

I do know that people have become more disconnected from each other with the pervasiveness of phones and devices. This part of the country just isn't as friendly an area as some other parts of the country. I think the closer you live to a large city the less friendly people seem to be.

Except for the nosy, drama queen that lives next door to me, lucky me, no one in this neighborhood talks to anyone or ever has. That's not me, it's just the way it is.

I do find that I enjoy being with the guys in my 'group'. Just about all are 'Nam vets and around my age. There's a comfort zone there and I feel accepted. Perhaps that's part of it, feeling like you have a connection.

 

[Ned]

Always feel that I don't belong. Except here.

 

[reddevil1111]

Is the drama queen hot? Just kidding Jar.
I had these feelings when I was around my kids. Divorce has happened to me and its been almost a year since I have seen my girls. I can only say I would do anything to have them back in my life. And that life is pretty rough without them. I can only hope you can find the feelings needed to raise the kids with love and tenderness. It wont be easy but its what is needed.
Your broken and cant fix yourself. So go get the help needed to fix things. I can tell you it will get harder before it gets easier. Talking out all the trash you have stored up will be hard. But its the only way to rediscover yourself and find that love again.

 

[JarHed]

Is the drama queen hot?

Ah, he's a guy, but still a queen if you get my meaning. :eek:

 

[reddevil1111]

Eww. not a guy. I just threw up in my mouth.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

UT,

You haven't lost those old feeings you once had, but you definately set them aside. We all did. And finding them again is a long and difficult process. Don't beat yourself up during that process. Give yourself the time it takes to heal.

During that time don't look back and don't look forward. Live in the present. And, when it gets so bad you just can't take any more remember this. That is not the end. That is the beginning. That's where you begin to take those baby steps that Sarg and the guys talk about. Those tiny steps may not seam like much progress, but puting them together will cause progress.

REMEMBER, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP, AND GIVE YOURSELF THE TIME YOU NEED TO HEAL NOT ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONE SECOND AT A TIME.

SD