saraemerald
Gold Member
Can anyone relate?
I survived a highly dysfunctional, lonely and abusive childhood with a Pollyanna (positive thinking) attitude. I was proud of myself for this. Then I developed excruciating symptoms of PTSD which hurt my body physically and almost felt like I had a neurological disorder. My nervous system was wacked and very sensitive. I couldn't breathe normally everyday. I had nervous tension and was hypervigilent everyday. I worked hard to hide the symptoms from everyone and kind of shut down my body so it wouldn't flip out when with other people. Sometimes I felt like my back was literally going to snap. My friends (most of them well-meaning) pushed meds. I was very resistant at the time to taking them because I had found alternatives that worked for me to help heal the symptoms naturally as well as forcing myself to continue going to church (kingdom hall), school and work until I got used to more social settings and slowly my anxiety lessened and my body would go less into flight or fright mode.
Anyways, I survived my childhood. I moved out at age 18 because my family was crazy and I felt like if I didn't, I would crack. I took college courses at the local community college while I was still in high school and worked to pay for clothes and tuition. I was also a Jehovah's Witness, so I was required to attend all their weekly meetings, give presentations, study the Watchtower and other publications and go out in the ministry knocking on people's doors which was nerve wracking for me, attending conventions and volunteering on "quick builds" building their kingdom halls. After I graduated, I continued working, and being a good JW, put myself through a technical school, and became a regular pioneer for the religion which means devoting 17.5 hours of "preaching work" on top of the already demanding JW schedule.
I burned out. I stopped "regular pioneering" and started taking more time for me to heal. I was fainting, falling asleep, had low blood sugar issues, was tired ALL THE TIME, had psciatica, muscle spasms, pain in my neck and shoulders everyday, shaky almost all the time, ect.
I slept a lot, had no caffeine or cane sugar in my diet and had to take magnesium and b-complex everyday and a good balanced protein breakfast, some exercise, didn't party at all, got regular massages, journaled, ect on a very strict budget and while still attending all the JW stuff. After a few years of this, my physical symptoms were gone and I also felt more at peace with myself emotionally and mentally.
I wanted my friends to notice the difference in me and be happy for me. But they were in that religion with their own pain and hardships in their life and always waiting for "Armageddon" to come any day now as they were always instilling in us that it's right around the corner. Plus my one "friend" whom had done so many things for me, was not happy for me and started saying negative things to me and lied about me to others. I never let people like her bother me before because I knew there was always a reason for their behavior even if it was directed towards me. BUT.....
I was happy and had finally healed most of my PTSD symptoms like I always knew I would and it had taken almost a decade of dedicated effort on my part to carry myself through it. I was considered "spiritually strong" in the religion, I was volunteering all the time and encouraging people and I was happy because I thought God was blessing me and thought I was saving people's lives in that religion. I was also helping a family member while they were in and out of the hospital because of being suicidal and helping out a friend's elderly mom with meds and such. I felt like I was in a good place in my life but it also seemed funny that I was happy because of my faith in God even though lots of crazy and emotionally taxing things were going on.
I was being positive and strong too about moving forward from an unrequited love and thought I would just stop thinking about him and continue having faith in God. I've put this part of my story on posts here before. About me suddenly trying to push all my positive thoughts and positive feelings away and making myself feel miserable. And from that moment on, drawing away from God and that religion and ruining all the good things I had worked for in my life. Suddenly, I was destroying myself.
So my question is this? Has anyone else experienced this too?
And why would someone who had such a positive, resilient demeanor towards all these terrible hardships and surviving an awful childhood with a positive attitude and then surviving adulthood with PTSD by healing their mind and body with healthy alternatives, suddenly do the opposite and turn against themselves and start ruining their positive attitude and ruin their self-esteem and confidence?
I'm still confused. I used to feel happy and fun loving and caring and confident and wanted to share this with others and help others.
I survived a highly dysfunctional, lonely and abusive childhood with a Pollyanna (positive thinking) attitude. I was proud of myself for this. Then I developed excruciating symptoms of PTSD which hurt my body physically and almost felt like I had a neurological disorder. My nervous system was wacked and very sensitive. I couldn't breathe normally everyday. I had nervous tension and was hypervigilent everyday. I worked hard to hide the symptoms from everyone and kind of shut down my body so it wouldn't flip out when with other people. Sometimes I felt like my back was literally going to snap. My friends (most of them well-meaning) pushed meds. I was very resistant at the time to taking them because I had found alternatives that worked for me to help heal the symptoms naturally as well as forcing myself to continue going to church (kingdom hall), school and work until I got used to more social settings and slowly my anxiety lessened and my body would go less into flight or fright mode.
Anyways, I survived my childhood. I moved out at age 18 because my family was crazy and I felt like if I didn't, I would crack. I took college courses at the local community college while I was still in high school and worked to pay for clothes and tuition. I was also a Jehovah's Witness, so I was required to attend all their weekly meetings, give presentations, study the Watchtower and other publications and go out in the ministry knocking on people's doors which was nerve wracking for me, attending conventions and volunteering on "quick builds" building their kingdom halls. After I graduated, I continued working, and being a good JW, put myself through a technical school, and became a regular pioneer for the religion which means devoting 17.5 hours of "preaching work" on top of the already demanding JW schedule.
I burned out. I stopped "regular pioneering" and started taking more time for me to heal. I was fainting, falling asleep, had low blood sugar issues, was tired ALL THE TIME, had psciatica, muscle spasms, pain in my neck and shoulders everyday, shaky almost all the time, ect.
I slept a lot, had no caffeine or cane sugar in my diet and had to take magnesium and b-complex everyday and a good balanced protein breakfast, some exercise, didn't party at all, got regular massages, journaled, ect on a very strict budget and while still attending all the JW stuff. After a few years of this, my physical symptoms were gone and I also felt more at peace with myself emotionally and mentally.
I wanted my friends to notice the difference in me and be happy for me. But they were in that religion with their own pain and hardships in their life and always waiting for "Armageddon" to come any day now as they were always instilling in us that it's right around the corner. Plus my one "friend" whom had done so many things for me, was not happy for me and started saying negative things to me and lied about me to others. I never let people like her bother me before because I knew there was always a reason for their behavior even if it was directed towards me. BUT.....
I was happy and had finally healed most of my PTSD symptoms like I always knew I would and it had taken almost a decade of dedicated effort on my part to carry myself through it. I was considered "spiritually strong" in the religion, I was volunteering all the time and encouraging people and I was happy because I thought God was blessing me and thought I was saving people's lives in that religion. I was also helping a family member while they were in and out of the hospital because of being suicidal and helping out a friend's elderly mom with meds and such. I felt like I was in a good place in my life but it also seemed funny that I was happy because of my faith in God even though lots of crazy and emotionally taxing things were going on.
I was being positive and strong too about moving forward from an unrequited love and thought I would just stop thinking about him and continue having faith in God. I've put this part of my story on posts here before. About me suddenly trying to push all my positive thoughts and positive feelings away and making myself feel miserable. And from that moment on, drawing away from God and that religion and ruining all the good things I had worked for in my life. Suddenly, I was destroying myself.
So my question is this? Has anyone else experienced this too?
And why would someone who had such a positive, resilient demeanor towards all these terrible hardships and surviving an awful childhood with a positive attitude and then surviving adulthood with PTSD by healing their mind and body with healthy alternatives, suddenly do the opposite and turn against themselves and start ruining their positive attitude and ruin their self-esteem and confidence?
I'm still confused. I used to feel happy and fun loving and caring and confident and wanted to share this with others and help others.
