Relationship His Mother Has Completely Stuffed Up Relationship With Hubby.

[amethist]

Since Thursday hubby has been on a complete downer, all because of his mother.

Ok so he did put his own foot in it, but her reaction was way out of order tot he point that he now wants nothing more to do with her, except to tell her exactly how he feels about what she has done. Yes she has gone too far this time.

He decide that as he was feeling so good after the holistic therapy it was now time to spend some quality time with his dad. His dad has Prostate cancer but seems to be doing fine on the medication he is taking, but hubby is not convinced it will keep him going for too much longer, though he is looking better than he has done for a while now.

So off he went on Thursday lunch time, before I got back from shopping. Mm yea he should have waited until I got back, but being spontaneous off he went.

The mistake he made, which I do understand was to take a small amount of lager with him, to share with his dad, "To do the male bonding", knowing they had lemonade, so he could have a couple of shandies while his dad had it straight if he wanted to. Also staying the night to save driving home even after a few shandies.

His idea was OK even if he did go about it not quite as he should have, but that is hubby for you. Plus one of the reasons I love him. ;)

Well his mother went off on one as soon as he opened his mouth, his dad was all for it, but her, it seems she went off like a "She Devil". demanding to know what he had done to me and telling him there was no way he was staying the night and he was not drinking that there. Yelling and screaming at him, to the point of almost physically throwing him out.

His dad just sat there gob smacked and asked why it was OK for rest of the family to do this, but not his son. It seems the "She devil" and the "Tasmanian devil" all rolled into one set about hubby then. With his poor dad just sat there not knowing what to do or say.

So hubby left coming home and just sat crying his eyes out, not really understanding why she had gone off on one so badly.

I came home about 30 mins after he got back, to find him stood at the sink pouring the larger down it, in pieces. He had drunk a glass of it, then decided he could not drink it, as it was to share with his dad, not for him to sink into the bottom of.

He was and still is devastated that she has done this to him, as he said never in 50 years as she ever turned him away.

I did phone up and ask her what had happened, and to be honest she has not got a clue what she has done. No idea at all, even when I explained to her again why he had gone down and it was not about her, but his dad. Still no clue as to why he was so upset, just that she did not wanting him there drinking with his dad.

This is where it gets tough, as all the family do it, they all sit and have a drink together. Plus there are a few who trun up well worse for the drink, to sleep it off before they go home.

OK so hubby should not drink, but he seems to be fine just drinking shandy occasionally and only having 2 with or after a meal. As he had eaten before he went, he would have been fine.

He now feel that he has been turned out and not allowed to spend time with his dad. Like she is abandoning him and denying him this.

So when he back on a level, we are going down together, hubby is going to tell her as it is and tell his dad he will pick him up once a week to come and spend some time here. Watching old westerns, old comedy films, and sport together here. With me providing tea coffee and food as required. No drink, just father and son spending time together, without her interfering anymore and it being all about her.

He has also said he is not going there on his own anymore, he is not going to allow her to knock him down anymore, and if his dad passes away first, then she will be on her own as far as he is concerned. Harsh words, but she has pushed him too far this time.

As for his PTSD symptoms, they are still under control, just rocked because her his mother, AGAIN.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

(((((Amethist))))) No advice here, but I am listening. Hugs to you both.

 

[wife of]

Oh wow...hugs..hope he keeps on an even keel.x

 

[Froggie]

I'm so sorry that your H had to be once again submitted to her cruelty. Plan B sounds good. The holistic therapy seems to have a positive effect on him. He is lucky to have you (((((Amethist))))).

 

[SeekingSerenity]

thinking of you amethist

 

[KP the nut]

(((Amethist and H)))

I have just found this for my affirmation book and it is so apt for your H.

 

[cat]

Hugs to you Amethist

I've been in a similar situation myself & had to take your husbands attitude.
Unfortunately many people who have a guilty conscience often suffer from amnesia when it comes to admitting the upset they cause & they are not worthy of your attention, at the end of the day your husband & his health has to come first.

Your H is obviously working hard to be able to get through this & manage his symptoms. Well done to both of you. xx

 

[amethist]

Hubby is doing OK considering all of this.

He has done what he wanted to do today, well most of it as the rain started so he did not wash the car. But he did sit with the manual and go through all the things he needed to. Finding which buttons did what, how to change the time on the clock, what gauge/light/number means what. Plus he took me shopping. :D

So he has done OK.

I just have to wait for him to light the blue touch paper under his mum now, then run and hide. :roflmao:

I will send a warning out before hand. ;)

 

[KP the nut]

. Finding which buttons did what, how to change the time on the clock, what gauge/light/number means what. . ;)

You mean those flashing lights on the dashboard actually mean something :eek::roflmao:

 

[amethist]

So I am told KP, so I am told. :roflmao:

I suggested he learn himself, as it was no good me telling him and then him asking me at a later date.

Hold your breath, "He even read the instruction manual properly" :eek:.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Amethist))))

Is your Hubby's Mom an Adult child of an Alcoholic?

Or an Alcoholic herself?

Was your hubby the family scapegoat? If the answers to these three questions are all yes, then her reaction, though inexcusable, unhealthy, and unkind as it it was, is entirely predictable and isn't likely to chnge whenever similar circumstances happen.

But your hubby's feelings are on the right track...that is, that she just cannot be trusted to be kind around your hubby.

But if your hubby's got the abandonment overlay of the scapegoated child telling him that he has to follow 'her' rules, which he does not. He can break her spoken and unspoken rules, once he knows it is perfectly acceptable for him to choose to do what he'd like to do, so long as it isn't harmful to self and others.

The only matter to work on then is what skills, behaviors, responses to put into the toolkit he takes into that home. The simpler the better.

Some that worked for me in the toxic family environment....

- go with a neutral third party to offset the balance of power and 'known' dynamic
- communicate minimally with the abusers there.
- focus only on self-protection and resist the urge to 'make everyone happy' & try to make just himself have a 'tolerable memory to build on'
- lower standards to expecting nothing better and then, don't ask for anything more of those incapable of giving it and instead, focus on building a deeper relationship with the person who is willing to try for more

I don't know if any of this helps but I feel a kinship to your hubby. It was my dad who always did that stuff to me. ...and he was remorseless so even trying to get him to see what he did was a wasted effort. Once I focused on 'harm-reduction' strategies around the toxic people, I was able to have a few healthier moments with the good ones.

Wishing you all comfort and peace, regardless. :)

 

[amethist]

We have a feeling that she is showing signs of slight Dementia BloomInWinter, but no one dare say anything to her about it just yet. She would definitely go off on one if they did.

Not only that she has this Matriarchal side to her, which comes from her mum. plus many other things from her past, but nothing that would or should have her act like this last Thursday. This was a complete new one on us, as she has always been fine about most things up until now.

As plans are in the pipe line of how to deal with it from now on, we will have to wait and see if they work.