Holiday Depression + My Mother = :(

[lisamarie]

So I've posted on here about the whole molestation scandal in my family. Short version? I had memories my whole life of my stepfather molesting me. Confronted him in the summer, he took a lie detector test and passed it.

My relationship with my mother has always been difficult. She is the worst thing in the world for my self-esteem because she will literally just talk down to my for an hour at a time, like, torturing me....sometimes about things that happened a decade or more ago. No expiration date on my mistakes with her.

So now Thanksgiving is here. I'm always depressed on the holidays anyway, that's been going on for years. So don't need extra help there. Every year on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's I want to kill myself, without fail. So I already prepare for that. Well this year I told my mother that I wasn't participating in the Thanksgiving plans. I haven't seen my family since this molestation thing in the summer. I just can't. When I think about it, I think I'm going to faint or have a panic attack. I WISH I could get over it. I WISH I could accept that the lie detector test was right (like, even if it WASN'T right, I wish I would just think that it was right to move on with my life).

So last night she called me, and for 55 minutes, just berated me. Like, extreme mental torture. Calling me names, telling me that if she gets cancer or my stepfather dies, that I am responsible. Telling me that she wishes she hadn't signed MY house (it was in her name for almost ten years after I got clean - I had signed it over to her when I was in rehab) that I own and live in back over to me, and blatantly admitted that she would throw me out of my OWN HOUSE if she could because I'm not doing what she wants. She told me I am "the most selfish person" she has ever met in her life. Meanwhile, I literally devote a significant portion of my existence HELPING other people, like, its my job, and a lot of my personal life.

So I went to bed last night feeling deeply depressed. Woke up this morning feeling the same way. I made myself get up. I have plans with a friend to go to his house and cook dinner and I'm doing it....not sitting around like this all day, I refuse.

I NEED TO CUT HER OUT OF MY LIFE. I can't put up with her crap anymore. Its terrible, just horrendous for my mental health. :(

 

[Innordinate]

What continues to tie you down to her? Like, what's stopping you from cutting her out of your life?

 

[quaintpapercut]

Your mother sounds exactly like mine. The mental anguish and cruelty she's inflicted upon me all my life is mind boggling. I don't understand it and probably never will. In addition to berating and belittling me and being the worst daughter in the world I am also wholly responsible for anything bad that may happen to her.

I had to finally cut her out of my life as her presence (as limited as it was) was very, very damaging to me. For me I held on as long as I did because it was easier to have some sort of family then to have nothing at all. When I finally cut off contact with her (and by extension all other family) I felt like an orphan with nobody in the world.

It's so tough on so many levels but I realize for me that the pain of being around them is more than the pain of not being around them.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree with quaintpapercut. It is better to have them out of your life. I am struggling with my sister who is sick and dying. I needed to cut her out of my life but I do not feel right about it with her in this condition.

She has personality problems that I find repugnant and she is not emotionally abusive to me. It is still a struggle. My heart goes out to you.

You do not deserve to be treated like that at all. I wish you the best.

 

[Autumncolors]

lisamarie, I think you made the right decision. I made a vow to myself not to spend vacation or the holidays with people I don't like and don't like me. Although I made that vow, I still struggled up until this year with being severely depressed and sometimes suicidal during the holidays. I couldn't even call my mother yesterday. I thought about it after seeing one of those corny holiday movies but didn't cave. Just hearing her voice is triggering. I used to go through the motions and try to pretend we were connected in some meaningful way but gave that up 10 years ago. No mother's day cards, happy birthdays etc. I don't even allow my mother to visit me. I have been called crazy by one of my siblings because of my stance.

This year is the first time I wasnt severely depressed. I think it's because I did a little emdr last week with my therapist around holiday trauma.

I had to create a family. It's painful however, not to have the connections others have, but this is much safer and healthier. I guess I have to grieve the loss and the fact that I don't have a healthy family. Take care of yourself and hang up the phone if you can next time! :)

 

[KatB]

Wow. This reminds me of my mom and brother, more my brother. I have a case against my brother for physical assault and violation of probation. He tried to take his own life away after the report against him. His gf decided to send text messages saying things. Long story short, I thought he did that in retaliation for my decision and to make me feel guilty for my decision. My parents were upset that I had him arrested, even after my mother witnessing the situation!! What a nightmare. I really really can't wait to go to court...

 

[who am i kim]

I do not know if you have on your phone, (caller id) a thing that tells you who's calling you. In Australia we do.

If my mother rings I just do not answer it. do not know about mobile phones but maybe the number shows up who's calling.

It took my 40 years of my life before I took a stance against my mother. It is so nice to be free and do your own thing without her over your shoulder.