Sufferer Homicide Survivor

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome to the forum:)

 

[safenow]

(((( badream )))) If you allow hugs from a stranger. I promise, it is a gentle one.

I left the state several times myself. I hope this new state can be a safe one and allow you to find some peace. I hope once you get settled, you will seek out a good therapist for trauma work. The sooner you are able to process what happened, the sooner you will feel better.

I suggest you don't read the newspapers or listen to the news on the television for a while. You will get triggered a lot by what if going on in the world.

Here is a way to stay in the now for when you do get triggered.

Do use all your senses to ground you in the present. Thus,

Visually, focus on the color of objects in your immediate environment (“it’s green,” “long and sharp” etc.) Keep your eyes open, and take note of where you are. Look for 5 colors in your immediate environment.

Auditory, do focus on identifying the various sounds you’re hearing at the present time.

Tactilely, do touch objects close to you and describe the experience in detail. Touch something cold, warm, or hot and describe the sensory experience.

Olfactory, do become aware of the various smells in your immediate environment.

Gustatory, do think back at something you recently tasted, or select something to eat and describe the taste.

Do use self-soothing approaches:

Talk to your self in a reassuring language, reminding your self of who you are, where you are, and where you’re going.

Say compassionate things to your self.

Think of the last time someone said something that you found inspiring and repeat it to yourself, now.

This works no matter where you are. However, if you are in a car, pull over to the side of the road.

 

[badream]

I cannot watch movies or television. It sounds like screams from something inside a blender. Besides, I have the attention span on a gnat.

Thank you for sharing these tools. I will use them.

I have been coping lately by just keeping to myself with as little noise as possible. I can hear my next door neighbors Zippo lighter top snapping and THAT makes me feel like I am in danger. Taking a shower is the most difficult thing I do all day. I do mean difficult. It is terrifying to get in the shower. I cannot take a 9mil in the rain box with me. I am serious.

I have a question, this sweating thing. Horrible. When out in public, and at night. I sweat like crazy. Noise makes me sweat. When sleeping, my heart rate goes up suddenly and I sweat Sometimes around certain men during the day or night, it happens too.( I call that my creep meter.) I swear I can FEEL evil .What on earth is this about ? Does anyone know ? I am exhausted most of the time, and I think that more sleep would help with my bad hair trigger temper issue I have developed.

I have been able to stay in one place for more than 9 months. Be still. I agreed to stay here for 6 months and have passed the 6 month mark and hope to continue staying here. I have been getting out a bit and meeting people in the community, and it's awkward to have no answers to the usual questions like, where are you from and what do you do, do you have a job, do you have kids, where do they live..normal things that people ask so I don't get to close to anyone so I don't have to deal with that.

The last couple of days, I am most pissed that I could not have my mail fwd.

I know. Strange. It's a strange life. I read over what I write, and it just does not look real, even to me.

Thanks again for the tools and the welcome.

 

[safenow]

I swear I can FEEL evil .What on earth is this about ? Does anyone know ?

When you have been in life's targets, you develop a sense about you. For example, I can smell fear. Probably because I've smelled it on myself so many time. I can feel evil, probably because I've been around it so much. I can smell death, because I've been around it. When I see a child that has been abused, I can hear it in their voice. I can taste evil at times. Which is scary.

I lived in fear for so many years, I know what its like to not be able to answer those questions. I always change the subject when people ask, like turn it back on them. Once you get them to talking about themselves, they tend to forget about you. At least most of the time. And you can't really tell them truth, because most people can't handle it. Either that, or they don't believe you anyway.

As for taking a shower, I still struggle with that, and it's been years and years. I have to make sure the doors and windows are locked, and the alarm turned on before I even go into the bathroom. I have to ground myself before I get undressed even. I can't look in the mirror because the scars trigger me and I have to ground again. I had to put a white blanket up on the towel rack over the toilet, because there is a spot that looks like a hole from a bullet.

I can't take sleeping meds because I'm afraid is someone breaks in, I won't hear them. Yet, I don't sleep very well, not just from nightmares and flashbacks, but from pain. Having PTSD is a real Bi*** sometimes.

It's hard to have to leave everything behind, including your friends and mail etc. But for your own safety, it's important you do that. I pray this time you will be able to find safety and peace and that nothing else bad will come your way.

 

[nimkekaa]

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through.

Welcome!

 

[badream]

I can smell fear. Probably because I've smelled it on myself so many time. I can feel evil, probably because I've been around it so much. I can smell death, because I've been around it. When I see a child that has been abused, I can hear it in their voice. I can taste evil at times.

Oh ya. Me too. Holy S&*% !

That Zippo lighter clink click click... I have been wondering about why that makes me crazy. It is the sound a revolver makes when pulling the hammer back.

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[safenow]

I meant to tell you, in time, you will find that those things fade a bit. That is, unless you get triggered again.

There are ways to work on all your new triggers so you don't react quite so violently to them. and yes, it would sound like that. Just so you know, you are not crazy. Right now, you are just intense.

 

[badream]

Just so you know, you are not crazy. Right now, you are just intense.

This made me laugh out loud. THANK YOU.

 

[Girl3]

Hello. It is a bad dream and I can't wake up.
My anger is out of control. , Xanax and vodka have been my companions for several months. pushing the submit button. 1.2.3. GO.
Thank You

Hear you. Know you. See you.

I've slept with amitryptiline/clonidine/gabapentin/benedryl...and a cocktail or two when I can. I have lived a life of death/diversion/dissmemblance. Eventually, you just have to sleep. And eventually you have to trust that someone else knows what this feels like and can help or just hold your hand.

Bless you in your journey - I wish you safety, peace, and real sleep.

 

[ms spock]

Hello and Welcome to the Forum badream.

 

[badream]

Good Morning Everybody.
I am not sure if this is the correct thread to post this on, so I apologize for the offense, if any. I am becoming familiar with this forum and its instructions. I wanted to let you know safenow : the tools you gave me are awesome !

Last night, while sleeping I went right into the usual panic and sweat right after falling asleep. Instead of laying in a pool of sweat and continuing to suffer while *waiting it out*, I noticed my cat. The cat is on my feet. I feel the cat on my feet. I feel the cat on my feet. I feel the cat on my feet. Lo and Behold, the sweating stopped and I was able to go back to sleep. During the reminder of the night, when ever I awoke in a dither, I did the same exercise, the cat it on my feet. I feel the cat on my feet. Same results. Sweats stopped, and I went back to sleep. Granted, the nightmares continued but I was able to deal with it.

This morning, upon awakening with the usual nightmare, the usual Airplanes passing overhead. Same results, a dither. Alright, that is a bag in the corner on that table, and it is red, green, yellow stars. Those are wonderful patterns. A beautiful bag. Sweats stopped. My mind feels more relaxed and clear than it has in ages.

The benadryl I took when I went to bed last night was also a wonderful thing. Thank you Girl3 for that. I am most grateful I have found this place and again, I thank you very very much. You have truly blessed my heart in a good way.

 

[MagiLisu]

Hello, welcome to the forum. I am sorry to read about what you have been through but I am glad you have already found some support here and have been able to take on some of the advice given.