Horrible Flashback With New Memory

[Poofycat]

I had a horrible flashback with a new memory last Saturday. I went to a social event where there were a ton of lawyers around and they were all talking about lawyer stuff. My dad is a lawyer. As I was falling asleep that night I started thinking about how my dad only seems like a real person when he's talking about work. The rest of the time he seems like a made-up person. Then I started think about how he has shifty eyes and never makes eye contact with me. Then suddenly flashback. I was laying on my back with my hips lifted up and I was looking down at myself and I was naked. I could see giant hands, then I felt a dry finger in my vagina and it felt really big. I didn't have boobs or pubic hair. It was dark. And that's it. I could feel that finger very strongly for the next two days before it started to fade. I have no actual memories of being abused as a child.

I freaked out for a long time. Didn't want to stay on my bed. Then I realized how often I wouldn't sleep in my bed as a kid. I would often sleep on my floor or under my bed or curl up in a corner. Some of my first memories are of sleeping on the floor.

I have no idea what to do with this information.

 

[Dissociated1]

MY heart goes out to you, Poofycat, that's a tremendous horror to recall in a single flashback. Be strong and very gentle with yourself. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
~D1

 

[ladee]

You have already started the process of what to 'do' with it. You most certainly should share it with your T, write about it , share, and write about it more if you need to.. It is so very hard to set with the feeling. Other than working to the other side of it, there is nothing to do with 'it'.. But now is the time for self care. Drag out everything you know to do to take care of yourself.
I am so sorry this has surfaced. We can't make this stuff up, it comes out of nowhere. Why? many say it's because you are strong enough to deal with it. And you are. It just doesn't feel that way. Again, I am sorry this is now going to have to be dealt with. I am sorry you were a powerless child. But you are an empowered adult.
I know I sound very 'cut and dried', not meaning it come out that way, but that's all we have @Poofycat, is healing. Of doing what is necessary to heal.
Again, very sorry for the pain this is causing. Sending gentle hugs to that little girl that was, and still is, hurt .

 

[The ANP]

Hugs to you if you accept

 

[Kailani]

I am so sorry!!!! Hugs to you!!!

 

[chant2012]

Wow what a lot to get all at once! All the support to you. Make some tea perhaps and draw a bath maybe? Or whatever feels good and soothing to you. You ate now alone.

 

[David1959]

I had a horrible flashback with a new memory last Saturday. I went to a social event where there were...

I feel your pain as I have recently had a couple of flashbacks myself. I don't remember the events happening in detail but deep inside I know it is true :-(

 

[Poofycat]

Thanks for the kind comments everyone. It's so helpful to know you are all out there listening. I saw my T on Thursday. My memory of the session is a little hazy and I felt pretty sick for about 24 hours afterward. He said that memories come back when it's information that will be useful. "Useful" obviously can mean many different things. But it is comforting to know that these flashbacks aren't my brain attacking me, but instead doing it's best to take care of me.

I haven't talked to my parents in over two months now and I plan to continue no-contact for the time being. I'm wondering if giving myself space from them allowed the flashback to come to the surface.

 

[chant2012]

Thanks for the kind comments everyone. It's so helpful to know you are all out there listening. I saw...

It very well could have contributed it resurfacing. Support to you. You're brave.