How A Person Emotional Blackmails People

[ms spock]

Another good comeback for an abuser is how you would like if I treated you in the same manner? But I am not going to because I'm not going to stoop to your level.

That is okay if the person is able to be negotiated with - that would be a dangerous strategy with my family. Not speaking to them is the only way to remain safe. I tried all ways during 22 years (with some long periods of estrangement.)

Not all people are rational and able to be negotiated with. Be careful is all I say.

 

[Sandra]

In their eyes it's all about them and they don't care how they treat their victim.

 

[Sandra]

True Ms. Spock plus in an abuser's mind they are perfect. And in their eyes too it's their victims with all of THEIR problems.

 

[ms spock]

That's what an abuser thrives on to watch their victim squirm and be in pain. As I had mentioned in their eyes it lessens their pain to dump it on someone else.

*nods*

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

Much of the blaming, and self righteousness that have made us feel so bad about ourselves often bad enough to give in to the blackmailer's pressure is not valid. It's fear based, anxiety based and insecurity based. And those fears, anxieties and insecurities reside the blackmailer. Many times emotional blackmail has more to do with the past than with the present, and it's more concerned with filling the blackmailer's needs than with anything the blackmailer says we did or didn't do. That's not to say we don't play a pivotal role in the blackmail process. After all, it couldn't happen without our compliance.

 

[ms spock]

A child doesn't have a choice.

 

[ms spock]

And a child that grows up in that type of environment has no skills to defend themselves.

I think you are right - we are compliant to allow it to happen, in some circumstances. To identify and stop repeating the behaviours is hard but necessary skills and work to apply. But kindness and compassion about how we got there is important as well.

I had no chance as a child to learn how to manage socially difficult situations. I was in hyper-alert survival mode.

 

[Sandra]

A lot of reasons too is the abused usually doesn't know how to deal with their abuser in the right manner. As they haven't been taught the ways to deal with their crap.

 

[ronnalee]

Blame-shifting is a new term that I am seeing lived out before my eyes. Blame-shifting makes everything, and I do mean everything relationally, my fault. I don't have that much or that kind of power. I'm fairly certain what my responsibilities are. I want to be careful to take care of myself in tangible ways. I know how to be responsible and I can model this as well.

 

[ms spock]

Good on you ronnalee,

I think I still blame my self a lot for what happened as a child. A maladaptive response as an adult.

Having the ability to model it as well is impressive to me.

And all my sisters and brothers were conditioned to hate my by my parents. Their personalities were murdered.

 

[Sandra]

It makes the abuser feel even more powerful if they can get more people on their side to attack their target along with them.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

When faced with blackmailers pressure do you:

Constantly berate yourself for giving in to their demands?

Often feel frustrated and resentful?

Feel guilty and believe that you're a bad person if you don't give in?

Fear that the relationship will fall apart if you don't give in?

Become the only one they turn to in a crisis, even though there are others who could help?

Believe the obligation you have to them is greater than the one to yourself?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, your responses to pressure are helping to create an ideal climate for blackmail.