How A Person Emotional Blackmails People

[Sandra]

I hope things go well for you SoulofLC.

Hugs for you.

 

[Sandra]

and that is so sad and so wrong that as children we were abused and then have to go and learn all the stuff that we missed out on as kids.

That also comes to another issue for children that had been abused. They were always in a survival mode. But they never had a choice. And children should not have to live like that.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

When we look at how intensely blackmailers fear deprivation, a more complete picture begins to take shape and it's easier to fathom why they act as they do. But one question continues to nag most of the people I talk to about this subject. Why do they need to punish us? I see why they nag or pressure us or even make threats, but why on earth do they need to hurt us if we don't give them their way?

Many times it does seem as though the goal of emotional blackmail is not only to make the blackmailer feel good but to make the target feel bad. Blackmailers demand and they demean. In their attempts to show us the rightness of what they want, they cast aspersions on our character and question our motives. Even when their threats of punishment are directed more against themselves than us, they target us by drowning us in guilt.

Oh boy can I ever relate to the second paragraph.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

And as we have seen, many blackmailers see themselves as victims. In fact, the more abusive the blackmailers, the more they twist reality. Their extreme sensitivity and self-centeredness magnify the hurts they feel and help them justify retaliating against us for what they see as deliberate attempts to thwart them.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

Like parents who believe that punishment will mold a child's character, blackmailers may convince themselves that they're helping us with their punishments. Instead of feeling guilt or remorse about hurting someone they care so much about, they reason.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

It's fairly apparent, especially to the person on the receiving end, that punishment doesn't produce the results the blackmailer believes it will, yet there are attractive payoffs to clinging to this erroneous idea of punishment as training. Blackmailers can live with almost anything if they can make their targets seem like dunces. In this way can avoid any introspection or hint that something in them is driving off the love or connection they so desperately want.

 

[soulofLC]

From the same book.

Like parents who believe that punishment will mold a child's character, blackmailers may convince themselves that they're helping us with their punishments. Instead of feeling guilt or remorse about hurting someone they care so much about, they reason.

Oh my, my son told someone that he was "teaching me a lesson" with what I see as his cruelty. I see it as sick, and am beginning to see it more and more for what it is. Thanks Sandra for continuing to keep this discussion going.

 

[Sandra]

How old is he?

 

[soulofLC]

He is 36, and a recovering drug and alcohol addict (3 years sober). He started drinking with his FATHER at topless bars (we were divorced; I had no idea) when he was 13. It just spiraled over the years. In rehab twice; second time, got together enough money to put him in a really good rehab program. This time, it worked, although he was up against the law as well. Good motivator, although does not work for some...can you believe that in Texas, an adult can drink with a minor in a topless bar and it is legal? And we live in Houston, which has the distinguished title of topless bar capitol. So he has been through a lot of abuse, not only drugs and alcohol, but horror stories from the way his dad treated him. His dad also told him many untruths about me and the divorce, so there is residual junk that I don't even know where to begin.

So if addicts don't mature while they are abusing, as I have read, he is the equivalent of a 16 year old. I must say, with much pain in my heart, that it is better than it was. I went to bed all of those years and woke up wondering when the call would come....when he would found in a ditch somewhere. He is now a functioning and contributing member of society; he has gone from a menial job when he first got out of rehab to manager of a very nice business. He is also learning photography with a friend and is making money at it. He sees his children regularly.

Sorry to go on...I think he is a "dry drunk" because he has not been to AA or therapy to figure it all out. So now he is the full bag of chips!!! My therapist recommended I go to al-anon to take care of myself. I think that is a good idea.

 

[ms spock]

A very astute distinction...there is nothing normal in their behavior in the traditional sense of the word. It is normal for the abuser, as they seem to 'feed' off of our hurt and pain; it is a pathology to those of us who get eaten...or escape getting eaten (to co-opt a more positive scenario)!

I am all for the more positive scenario.

You are right soulofLC - I am here because I escaped being eaten alive - I have the ptsd but I did escape getting eaten whole (missing a metaphoric limb or two).

 

[ms spock]

I think he is a "dry drunk" because he has not been to AA or therapy to figure it all out...My therapist recommended I go to al-anon to take care of myself. I think that is a good idea.

I think that is an excellent idea.

 

[ms spock]

make the blackmailer feel good but to make the target feel bad. Blackmailers demand and they demean. In their attempts to show us the rightness of what they want, they cast aspersions on our character and question our motives. .. they target us by drowning us in guilt.

They build themselves (for a variety of complex reasons) and feel better making us less than them. Could be a way of projecting stuff on to us, could be they like to feel superior, could be that they like torturing people, who knows. I think it is site specific analysis that needs to occur.