How A Person Emotional Blackmails People

[Sandra]

I'll probably start a new thread on that book when I'm reading it. I'm sure we will learn a lot from it as well. :)

And my so called mother took the cake for being controlling as so do my brother and sister. But that's where they learned it from, was from her. I can tend to be controlling too. Again that's where I learned that bad behaviour from.

 

[Sandra]

Hugs back Sandra. I am learning so much more than I thought I would. Thank you for your important posts! :)

I'm glad I bought this book. It's sure been a big eye opener.

 

[soulofLC]

As per your mother and her cake, I am speechless. Ditto on all, except the sister; I have two brothers who also learned well from my mom.

 

[Sandra]

That's usually where bad behaviours are learned, by bad parents. At least I am not in denial about mine. I will be the first to admit my bad behaviours.

Now I am trying to work on my issues. But one issue at a time is probably best.

 

[soulofLC]

I know what you mean. As much as I try, I find myself committing the same behaviors.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

Even mild frustrations is viewed as potentially catastrophic, and they believe that unless they respond to it aggressively, the world or you will keep them from getting something they vitally need. A deprivation tape starts to play in their heads:

This isn't going to work out.
I never get what I want.
I don't trust other people to care about what I want.
I don't have what it takes to get what I need.
I don't know if I can stand it if I lose something I want.
Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them.
I always lose anyone I care about.

With these thoughts cycling through their minds in an endless loop, blackmailers believe they haven't got a chance of prevailing unless they play hardball. That belief is the common denominator underlying all emotional blackmail.

 

[ms spock]

Yes cause to abused people that is normal.

and that is so sad and so wrong that as children we were abused and then have to go and learn all the stuff
that we missed out on as kids. I am so committed to doing this. I work on it every day. It is not fair
that I have to do it. But it is one of those the sooner you start the sooner you finish situations.

 

[Sandra]

I couldn't agree with you more Ms. Spock.

 

[ms spock]

From the same book.

Even mild frustrations is viewed as potentially catastrophic, and they believe that unless they respond to it aggressively, the world or you will keep them from getting something they vitally need. A deprivation tape starts to play in their heads:

This isn't going to work out.
I never get what I want.
I don't trust other people to care about what I want.
I don't have what it takes to get what I need.
I don't know if I can stand it if I lose something I want.
Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them.
I always lose anyone I care about.

With these thoughts cycling through their minds in an endless loop, blackmailers believe they haven't got a chance of prevailing unless they play hardball. That belief is the common denominator underlying all emotional blackmail.

And some of them are psychopaths and sociopaths like my parents and family.

It is important not to ascribe rational reasons to people's behaviours, unless they give you behaviour, in a way, that means that they have the above in their heads. Being rational with people who have no consciences and are not capable of being the way we are, will only set us up for more abuse. With some people their is no hope and you just have to walk a way.

Self help books can be good but they are not site specific to your particular situation so apply with caution. (As you do in any post on this forum). I learn so much about managing my complex ptsd type II - yes I know it is being changed but it will take me a little time to change over.) I think you are so brave to be reading about other ways of managing and thinking about your ptsd.

 

[Sandra]

Sometimes walking away is the best thing to do at the time. Been there so I know all about that issue.

 

[Sandra]

A good example of that was when I was still with my late husband. If it got to the point where I wanted to strangle him. Well that was when I went out for a drive.

 

[ms spock]

From the same book.

Negative comparisons make us feel suddenly deficient. We're not as good, not as loyal, not as accomplished as so and so, and we feel anxious and guilty about it. So anxious, in fact, that we may be willing to give in to blackmailers to prove that they're wrong about us.

That is a mind game that does look pretty and doesn't end well for us. When you are in flash back or panic attacks your decision making is impaired and thus we get involved. Tis hard.