How A Person Emotional Blackmails People

[ms spock]

A good example of that was when I was still with my late husband. If it got to the point where I wanted to strangle him. Well that was when I went out for a drive.

Not killing people - a really good idea! (tic)

 

[Sandra]

That is a mind game that does look pretty and doesn't end well for us. When you are in flash back or panic attacks your decision making is impaired and thus we get involved. Tis hard.

Isn't that the truth.

 

[Sandra]

Not killing people

It sure was tempting.

 

[ms spock]

From the same book.

We're often quite definite, at first, about what we need and why we're resisting an emotional blackmailer. But the blackmailer's tools erode whatever clarity we have and persuade us that we really don't know what we want. Using these behavioural strategies, the blackmailer can almost always get our compliance hardly surprising, considering that a person who resists is likely to be spun around, criticized, ganged upon or found wanting. Yes, this sounds dire, but it's all learned behaviour that we have helped teach. And as we'll see, just as we've effectively handed blackmailers their tools, we can also take them away or render them useless.

It is challenging when it is your parents. I had to cut them all off. There is much food for thought in this thread. Thanks Sandra

 

[Sandra]

That's an understatement. I so know where you are coming from on that. It's just my sister that I have any contact with within my immediate family now. I removed my brother and my parents died years ago.

And yes it's sure been a very in depth thread with a lot of good info I have been getting out of this book.

 

[ms spock]

Wow Sandra, so can I. Like a shark moving in for the kill while you are reeling, bleeding. They are predators, and we are their prey. Knowledge is power; perhaps that's the key. Include self-love and self awareness.

Sharks are actually hungry and that is their place in the food chain.

What these people do is not normal or part of the lifecycle or an ecosystem. These people do it to meet their own distorted whatever? (no one is really sure) through controlling, manipulative, sadistic behaviours. A lot more research needs to be done to have robust scientific data so we can manage these people in all their various forms.

I think it is important to be careful ascribing (from our own point of view) behaviours and agendas (sometimes based on our own compassion and understanding of the world) because that leaves us so open and vulnerable whilst we try to apply a moral code, an explanation or understanding of the abusive person's behaviour that is relevant to us but has no bearing on THEIR behaviour and motives.

I spent years trying to work it all out. (My parents are sadistic, abusive and horrendous abusive on all levels. They may or may not be psychopaths and sociopaths - that is a convenient shorthand for me to talk about them.) Unfortunately, it is what it is and I/we have to protect ourselves and learn skills that many 5 year olds from non abusive families have learnt - who is safe and who is not.

Knowledge is power and for me, I have had to learn the same thing over and over getting just that little bit better each time.

 

[ms spock]

A good comeback to a person like that is "I'll just consider where that comment came from." That will probably shut their nasty mouth up especially when you just caught them off guard. And this is a good way to say shut the F--- up without it being nasty or vicious.

And don't reply back to a negative comment made by them. Don't forget that an abuser wants an audience. Don't be that audience.

Wow! That is a great strategy!

 

[Sandra]

If you wish to reply to the abuser I would say to them I will sit and listen to you when you treat me with respect and talk to me in a positive manner then leave the room or whatever. Leaving them standing there dumb founded by your actions and reply.

 

[Sandra]

And don't forget the abuser had probably did a play act in the head before they came to see the person they wish to abuse. So if you catch them off guard that will leave them dumb founded due to YOUR reply or action. So catching them off guard is usually the key to shutting them up.

 

[soulofLC]

Sharks are actually hungry and that is their place in the food chain.

What these people do is not normal or part of the lifecycle or an ecosystem. These people do it to meet their own distorted whatever? (no one is really sure) through controlling, manipulative, sadistic behaviours. A lot more research needs to be done to have robust scientific data so we can manage these people in all their various forms.

A very astute distinction...there is nothing normal in their behavior in the traditional sense of the word. It is normal for the abuser, as they seem to 'feed' off of our hurt and pain; it is a pathology to those of us who get eaten...or escape getting eaten (to co-opt a more positive scenario)!

 

[Sandra]

Yes that's how they feed their sick egos etc by causing and seeing their targets in pain. And they think that makes them more powerful.

 

[soulofLC]

I can use all of this information right now with my son if I need to. It is so timely. Thank you Sandra and Ms. Spock for keeping this thread going, and anyone who I might have left out. My brain and stress level is on overload after a new development today with my most precious love, my granddaughter. I will check in tomorrow and try to find a place/forum to talk about it.