Poll How Are Your Relationships With Your Family As A Result Of Your Trauma?

[Lav]

Thank you AngelaMarie, I too share your annoyance, my family does't and has never acknowledged my Ptsd.

Rainy_daze, thank you for your thoughts, I'm not just saying that, I mean it. I only have my partner and my Psych.. My partner is great but I don't like to burden her too much. That is why I am here at this wonderful forum. Don't be too jealous it can get damn hot sometimes, and yes it is sunny today not yesterday though.

My family continues to hurt me even now, I feel weak and pathetic when it comes to standing up to them. I cut ties with my father years ago, I hardly ever talk to my stepfather and he doesn't talk to me much either, but my mother she's the one who I trouble with. I have never told her that what she did to me and how she treated me all those years and even now has seriously damaged me. I don't want to hurt her feelings, even though I know I don't need to protect her, she never protected me. My brother and I had a falling out a couple of years ago because he was try to encourage me to play happy families with my father who sexually abused me, ouch.

Very sad.

 

[rainy_daze]

Vary sad Lav. So glad to hear you have your partner; real family. And a psych! And this wonderful forum, of course.

It is sad..You've survived it all though, and that is something to try and remember. I am amazed by the strength it must take a person to live through all that pain caused by people who should love you. I hope I am not over stepping because obviously I don't know you, but I hope you know that none of those people will have deserved you in their lives (in my opinion), and I hope you don't let them win, I hope a healthy anger overtakes you to carry on - really, I am so amazed at how people overcome such awful families. Well done to you and those on the forum who survived the people who mistreated you and keep fighting to get better xx I will take inspiration from you all :)

 

[Lav]

Gidday

rainy_daze, survived, yes I have, however my thoughts are drawn to those who have not...No darling you haven't stepped over the mark at all. Concerning your comment earlier about your biological relative, I have a lot of trouble calling my father "father", you have got me thinking, so from now on I'm going to start thinking of him the way you think about your biological relative.

By the way, it's cloudy today in my area of Australia :tup:

 

[rainy_daze]

Lav - for some reason I feel like I have never seen a picture of Australia being cloudy. If I have my brain cannot find it. Thanks for teaching me I have stereotypical views of weather (lol); I crave sunshine and it always feels like everywhere in the world is sunny except here under my dark cloud..

I think there comes a point when someone has hurt you so much that you have to take away all the remaining power they have left over you. I'm not saying I have fully achieved that yet, but my first step was realising I was not loved by my biological dad. Someone who truly loves you would not hurt you so deliberately. Once I realised that I began to focus on those who deserve my love back. My dad/father/evil man is only related to me by blood, and in the end, that really means absolutely nothing. Just a name on a bit of paper. Paper I can throw away and forget about, erase from my life. He has no power to hurt me now, nothing he can do or say that can touch me. The only power left is my brain trying to remind me of the hurt (and I am sure that is something i will learn to control or let go of in therapy).

Like Lav, my thoughts are with you all; finding the strength it takes and the ways you have to go/what you have to go through to actually grow from the traumas caused by family (instead of disentegrating, if you understand what I mean) can be done, it just takes time. And a lot of venting, I think.

 

[freakofnurture]

My p*rents are the ones who traumatised me for 18 years. The relationship has never actually been good, but I managed to fake it for 8 years after my f*ther said "Sorry 'bout that *tear*". It sucked.

The contact with them was a huge burden, the dumping of which was one of the best ideas I ever had.

 

[Britt.f7]

I think we are somewhere between the Rocky and non existent.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I cut off contact with my dad for over twenty years. He died of cancer this year. I feel relief that he cannot hurt anyone anymore. I have had to cut off contact with my sibs. I have one sister who I keep in contact by phone only. She is dying, and I think I will feel relief when she goes. I think that is very sad. I had to cut off contact to protect my own family.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Very dysfunctional & toxic with my parents, and my only brother & I are estranged. Sadly this is just a result of the family dynamic for the most part, we didn't have a falling out or anything... In fact we were extremely close when we were children. We're just very different people now & can't connect. It's so uncomfortable I hide when I can avoid seeing him, the occasional time he makes contact with my parents which is rare. I am going to be an aunt for the first time in February & I don't expect I will see my niece or nephew much... And he & his wife have disappointed my daughter, who wishes to have more contact with them, repeatedly. They make excuses or promises they don't keep. It's really sad.

 

[MissMacD]

Cut ties completely with my biological parents and only biological sister - no communication of any kind in almost 2 years. Out of five siblings I only have a relationship with one. The other four (including my bio sister) were contaminated during my trauma.

Just because we are related doesn't mean we are bound to a relationship, especially when it is healthier for us to go our separate ways.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is better to go on seperate ways. I think I am trauma bonded to my sister because I had cut her out of my life and I missed her and recontacted her. Now I am sorry I did. I would have been better off staying away. So it is not so good. She is very sick and dying and I fake it with her. She is a very bad gossip and she is also two faced so I tell her nothing about my life. She has caused me so much damage. She has hurt me so badly. She is very sick and troubled. I will continue to have phone contact only with her. i have learned that I can cut the phone calls short if I need to. This is a good thread.

 

[MissMacD]

My sister suffered from some really traumatizing things from a very early age and I know by the way she treated me. I never had a normal relationship with her and she did everything she could to sabotage my existence. When I was a toddler she bit me, pinched me and bullied me constantly but not in a normal sibling jealousy way. It was excessive and unfortunately she never grew out of it. Her odd behavior escalated into her adulthood. She is almost 33 and I had to let her go last year after she finally drew the last straw. She traveled 6 hours from another city to help me move and disappeared in the middle of the weekend - that was the last time I had contact with her which was almost 3 years ago.

When I am down and suffering she bathes in it and wants to be there but when I finally met my boyfriend she became nasty and degrading so I let her go and told her that if she wants to have a relationship with me it has to be all or nothing. She is not allowed to come and go and disrupt my life like she got away with for two decades.

As for my mom and dad I stopped contacting them because aside being part of the reason I have PTSD they have caused more problems than help since I moved 15 hours from home 5 years ago. When I moved here I had this unrealistic idea that we'd suddenly bloom a relationship here but in the 5 years I have lived here my father has called me 0 times and my mother comes and goes when she feels like it. I put an end to that too. Letting go of my mom was really hard because about 5% of the time she can be there and is the best mom in the world but the other 95% she stops calling and communicating with me and totally breaks my heart all over again.

Neither of my parents have ever sat down with me and taken responsibility for the things that they have allowed to happen to me and for that alone I have cut them off. I've tried and they won't even talk to me about it and deny any of the things that happened. I feel that if they cannot take responsibility for things that they have done so that I can let those things rest we will never be able to have a relationship. I got tired of pretending that everything is okay when it's not, and out of respect for myself I cut my ties.

Just because we are related doesn't mean we have to have a relationship. I have found friendship and support from non family members as I have 'adopted' as my family.

 

[rainy_daze]

I feel that if they cannot take responsibility for things that they have done so that I can let those things rest we will never be able to have a relationship. I got tired of pretending that everything is okay when it's not, and out of respect for myself I cut my ties.

Just because we are related doesn't mean we have to have a relationship. I have found friendship and support from non family members as I have 'adopted' as my family.

This rings true for me. We need to do what we have to do in order to protect ourselves. I think it is natural to cut people out who are toxic to you - when all the negative points outweigh the slightly nicer times, when there is no acknowledgement/remorse for hurt that has been inflicted upon you, and simply when you have had enough and know what is best for you. I read a rubbish article a while ago saying to "contact your abuser, forgive them, cutting them off leads to more problems because they are family", and to that article I just rolled my eyes/tutted/knew the writer held a different world view from me. The writer had never felt what I have felt, and never been in the situation I have been in. Maybe some people can forgive their horrible families, but some cannot or should not have to simpy out of a biological connection, and I think it's dangerous to have people in your life who treat you badly.

So well done to you all for looking after yourself, knowing when to put yourself first and that friends are just family under a different name. (@gizmo: it's been a therapeutic read for me this thread, glad I posted)