How Can A Single Person Cause Triggers/stressors

[StillStella]

StillStella hope you are doing well. I'd love to hear what's running through your mind

That I don't know where all of this anger and anxiety and shame and fear came from. (We went through this a dozen years ago) That I have to not let it spill out onto my kids. (Hence withdrawal) That I have to find a way to make it go away. (I have a job that requires I be sane on a daily basis and today i left work early for the first one ever..:/) Everyone else is on a good path right now. We are trying to move on.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Best advice I can gi

How long have you been friends?

Intimate friendship or plutonic?

She's trusted you with something...

Seems like she is doing everything she can to forget about the rape

 

[StillStella]

I am looking for clarity on my situation.

I am a male a female friend of mine opened up to me tel...

I think she is frightened that she made herself vulnerable to someone by exposing this trauma. Now she feels you may use this against her or judge her. Or maybe she was taught to keep her mouth shut. At any rate, I think the best thing you can do is try to treat her the same way you always have.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

I think she is frightened that she made herself vulnerable to someone by exposing this trauma. Now...

Probably best thing to do is disappear from her life for a few months. She can't look at me the same anymore while I can

 

[StillStella]

Probably best thing to do is disappear from her life for a few months. She can't look at me the sam...

Can you not disappear but rather just go dark? I have a friend who I realize does this for me. He's the cop that babysat me, taught me defensive shooting, helped me pick my self defense weapon. And while it's too painful to talk to him every day, he is there, in the shadows. I reached out to him just this morning, asking him to confirm I'm not crazy. He gave me 'permission' to speak the truth out loud and that helped me tremendously.

 

[Whyteferret]

Now that's a question!.....a lot!.....strangely it was the good, decent people I ran from....the on...

Not so strange. The trust issue comes up : what's the motive behind nice? How are they going to hurt me?

With mean people, so to speak, you know what you get

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Can you not disappear but rather just go dark? I have a friend who I realize does this for me. He's...

No because it takes proper maturity, communication and boundaries to do that. She isn't ready for that

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Also fed up with being pushed away and being harassed and embarrassed throughout the pushing part.

 

[illusionist]

Regarding ' going dark '.........I personally have problems keeping people in the background and contacting them as I need them......feel like I'm using people, so not necessarily a sign of being immature? It is mature to consider other people's feelings?.....just a thought to consider?

If it is a long term friendship that is built on mentoring, well I see that as a great part of the friendship, so it is expected, acceptable...a friendship that is built on common interests etc I see that as different.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Considering others peoples feelings is almost a waisted effort. The victim can't control their own feelings. While the suppourter is In hell from trying to figure what's going on in victims head.

 

[illusionist]

If she knows you have a love interest she may well know that she will be stirring up feelings for you, if she turns to you as ' a friend ' for advice. This can open up problems both for you, and herself...the end result may be more turmoil for both of you...back to square one basically.

 

[StillStella]

Regarding ' going dark '.........I personally have problems keeping people in the background and co...

I hear what you're saying but I've known this person for twenty years. He has his life and I have mine. We don't feel the need to interact constantly, as there is no history of romance. But he played an important role during that time of my life and so for me he is like a truth teller. When people tell you through their sideways looks and denial to be quiet and pretend it didn't happen, you can start to believe you're crazy. However, as the conversation has unspooled I can see that's not a good option in this case.