General How Can I As A Ptsd Sufferer Approach My Carer And Say Things Need To Change?

[Lucille]

Eloise,
I can relate a lot to the situation you are in. It's not exactly the same for me, but same sort of sentiment. A lot of the time, I worry that I'm the problem... but I can't be at fault all of the time. I don't know how to make him understand. It becomes so difficult to communicate that I avoid communicating until we fight. Then neither one of us is acting like an adult.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Thankfully my current husband prefers to talk, but I can remember the bad old days when my inner hurting child got into it with ex's inner hurting child. We just ended up as two screaming kids with lot of broken crockery. Wash, rinse, repeat.

If you can't sort out having adult discussions it aint gonna get any better.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Lucille, I think it's a problem because my (x) supporter also got chronic burn out. He at least can walk away from the pain I feel, and he should when he can. I do wish at times he didn't add to it though by dumping on me. So I am trying to propose a new way to approach a conversation or an argument, and hoping it doesn't keep turning into a fight.

But I learned just trying to avoid things doesn't do anything but delay the the explosions.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Pale Warrior, thank goodness for your current Hubby then. (X) supporter is used to being a "take charge and fix it" sort of person, and his solutions were not going to help, so I ended up protesting, and then finally digging in my heels. He has one way he's used to communicating, and I prefer another. It'll be an effort, but so is living with PTSD and getting better, so this is just maybe part and parcel of things if they're going to work out.

 

[Eleanor]

EL -" Once a horse person, always a horse person" - any horse in your life now? Arabians are most interesting horses. Too smart for me! There was this beautiful Arabian mare at my barn for a while who was "crazy" and I loved her to distraction. I didn't think she was crazy, she was just kind of anxious and seriously ADD. They let me work with her a bit, and as long as she had something to FOCUS on (like where she had to put her feet because you had left about thirty rails randomly strewn around the arena) she was fine. If you just wanted her to kind of blop along - disaster. But then her owners decided to move her and... well you know how that goes. I'm glad you and your boy had each other for then, and that you carry him in your heart.

I used to get "sucked into" my patterns (hurt child, issues, whatever) when H got triggered and YIKES. No broken dishes, but ear protectors and flak jackets would have been a good idea. Then, one evil weekend, he played out his parents divorce (when he was five) first doing his mom, then his dad. And after that when he would get into an episode I would just repeat to myself "I will not talk to dead people." It kept me out of my "stuff". I don't have to struggle so much against getting sucked in now, so can occasionally have a thought that is actually helpful! We communicate very well when he is not triggered tho.

Two thoughts: One: If he can't "fix it" and that is his (or one of his) main modes of relating, what else does he have to offer you (from his perspective)? Two: Is he willing to "fix" himself, or just others? PW's cautionary tale is a good one, the mirroring thing is - you are right - the only way to know for sure if you've been heard correctly - AND some people find it intolerable, or just flat out don't want to do it. So it is worth explaining it and checking first, and then... cross fingers and hope for the best!

And PW is so right - saving up conflict is just piling up gunpowder - after a certain point it just goes BOOM. Better to handle it one or two grains at a time when it comes up.

 

[Mrs. T]

Hope I'm not repeating anything, but first of all I really wanted to say that your list of expectations is totally what I expect in my relationship.

To answer your first question for myself. H and I didn't know about his ptsd until Nov last year, so we had lots of time where he had a personality that we both didn't know where it came from. He knew it was linked to his past...I'm sure because of his flashbacks and other reminders, but some things he just described as, "I'm just weird that way". Things such as his anger caused by someone or something that is unclean. His loss of apetite for reasons such as a water mark on a glass at a restaurant. Those things, he didn't know were linked to his past. Unexplained physical pain...etc.

My point is, there was a long time where he had to explain things to me that even he didn't fully understand.

What helped me is his patience with me when I kept thinking I understood yet would get frustrated still at times. He needed lots of patience with me. He re-explained things to me as much as it frustrated him, but slowly I began to understand (at times it was more accepting then understanding).

Now that we know about his ptsd, it makes a big difference. He still has to explain things to me (but less now, thankfully :)). When he tells me how he feels and at times tells me why, it really helps. He sometimes tells me what I can change that would really help him. This is really helpful to me as I am often doing something in effort to be helpful and at times I am completely off.

To be a good partner in any relationship, I think it is so important for the person to have an interest in the other. I mean in every aspect of the person's like...that including the difficult parts.

If your supporter is willing to listen to your side on level ground, I think things are looking really hopeful. He needs to understand ptsd and accept it. If he can do that, then it may just take a lot of patience from you as you may have to explain and re-explain things to him so he understands better.

 

[EloiseLandau]

I'm studying for midterms, so please pardon the delay.

My x-supporter doesn't seem to know the difference between constructive feedback, giving info, and just outright dumping his frustrations on me at this point. He doesn't like being told when he is off, and he allowed himself to get burned out, badly, and I almost wonder if it was on purpose. Either way, he's not my top priority. He can take care of himself, and I can take of myself, and perhaps that is also what distresses him.

But thank you for the words, Mrs. T. It's good to remember the importance of communication when the avenue is open. :)

 

[Knak]

What you are discussing is interesting. I have a strong feeling my husband is not going to change from his age two year old denial stage.

He came with excellent credentials but knows nothing about being a partner. I got to where I don't care what he does with his life so I didn't die from the pain of it.
He is responsible with money, pennypincher, and I need someone to support me. I have an overwhelming fear of supporting myself financially, or doing it alone. I have agoraphobia and without drugs cannot talk to others in a conversation. My jobs have been as slave to a master and they didn't pay well.

I basically don't believe I could ever meet a man that would respect me or want to be with me or help me unless he had an ulterior motive to steal everything from me physically and emotionally.

I was a psych major and began counselling in grad school twice. The first time I had a nervous breakdown that lasted from age 21 to 33. The second time I went to grad school I got married instead of finishing because marriage and family is what I wanted out of life, not a career.

I have seen dozens of psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitalized, therapy groups, support groups, drugged into a zombie, but mostly it is the people/Christians who really love me and accept me that help me the most.

My parents were living some image created for them and I was not treated as a child to nurture but was expected to learn how to be an adult and function with no help from them, and even semi-imprisoned when necessary.

I've only met two women who treated me with compassion, basically accepted me with no expectations, but emotionally supported my mere existence. I am 62. I met one at age 36 and one at age 58. She died in 2 years. Her husband died less than a year later. They alone gave me confidence to live.

The trouble is that I haven't been able to communicate and chose men who did all the talking. Then the bad stuff shows up. My husband thinks compassion is weakness.

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[LizardViolet]

Knak, I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time. I hope you've found some insights and validation here.

Eloise, a few things to add.

First, what is positive in your relationship? Why would you want him in your life? Why does he want to be in your life? I hope that you will add that topic to your agenda. If there are great things about your relationship, and great things you see in him, that gives you a starting point. If there isn't anything worth saving, then you are better off without him. On top of that, every relationship needs positive interactions to balance the negatives. You can't survive the tough stuff if there isn't a good measure of positive and neutral stuff.

Second, I think a fundamental issue with your ex is that he wants to solve your problems. He needs to back way up and do his best to come from a place of SUPPORT not FIXING. Do you think he can understand this distinction? SUPPORT means respecting you and the choices you make and accepting that what you say is your reality is the real thing. You are the driver of your life. He is a passenger. FIXING means he's the boss or the parent and you are not in control.

Third, a ground rule that works well with me (supporter) and my bf (sufferer) is that when we are talking about something tough and it gets difficult or painful for either of us, either one of us can say STOP (well, what we actually say is "Let's talk about squirrels") and we immediately move the conversation to harmless and neutral topics. If your supporter is going to explode if he doesn't get out that one last point, he can write it down for later. This way you might be able to avoid the worst of the blow-ups and yelling and painful stuff, by cutting things off before you get too far down that road.