How Can Someone Be Okay With The Little Things?

[WillowMarie]

I am having a hard time letting myself be upset over small memories I have remembered. Basically, I feel like I just push them away and don't want to think about them. But I know I need to be okay with them and know they affected me or be okay with how it made me feel.

My last few memories that came up a few months ago were ones where I was getting yelled at/scolded for stuff during junior high or high school age, mostly my dad, but one with my mum. I did mention them in therapy, but didn't really talk in detail about them. I feel like I shouldn't be getting upset over things like that, and that is what others expect of me, too.

It also annoys me because the people that take me seriously, also believe that there is way worse stuff that has happened that I blocked out. Which I kind of suspect, too, especially because I have a couple memories of my dad being physical with my younger brother. But I don't know anything yet, but I feel like some of these people would rather focus on what I don't remember than the little things that are coming up that I think I need to actually process in order to keep the memories coming up.

I try to remind myself, that if it was only verbal/mental abuse, that I am okay with that. I know that my dad was scary mad when he was mad, and remind myself that even if it was only the stuff I remember, I know that that is enough to be upset/sad/mad/hurt about.

So I guess I am wondering if anyone else was at this point and how they helped themselves be okay with the "little" memories and letting yourself process them without feeling silly about it.



I have been trying to journal to my inner child (six times so far?), since my therapist suggested it. I have just been feeling so disconnected when trying to do it, and it feels silly and weird. I journal about being okay with feeling and that I support her. I was even writing the other day and started to write, "I will never minimize", but ended up crossing that out because it felt like I was only lying to my inner child and didn't want to break her trust, so I reworded it to "I never want to minimize"... :bag: because I know I have thought before, this shouldn't make me upset, why am I letting it bother me.

I am happy to say I did cry one time while writing the second time I tried. :tup: I was telling her I understood why she would wonder why dad was being nicer to her when she entered high school. About her wondering if it was because she was nicer and tried to talk to him more, or if it was because she started playing field hockey and that dad loved sports. I told her I understood it was her way of trying to rationalize/understand it. <- That last line when I journaled it, the tears just started falling down my cheeks.


I just need to find a way to be okay with welcoming and feeling what I remember. I want to keep healing, I want to keep fighting to heal. So any suggestions would be awesome... thanks!

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hey Willow Marie -

Any feeling you feel is yours - it is legitimate and it is part of the process of healing. For me the memories unfolded the way that I needed them to.

I know for me growing up with my rageaholic alcoholic father, one of the main problems I had was trust.

It was hard for me to trust my own feelings and my own intuition. But once I realized that, I began to give myself permission to trust my own intuition and my own feelings and I felt more at peace and that helped my healing.

I don't know if that is of use to you in your situation. I also know that journaling helped me get a sense of distance from what I was experiencing and was able to see things more clearly.

Sending you much courage and peace -

Laurie

 

[PureDogs]

@WillowMarie

As you stated inner child journey, I have challenges to do that because lot of them has been block out and I only remember few spots. May I ask - how do I start with inner child journey? I do have Therapist but I would like to know how or/and what to start. Your feedback would be great.

Thanks

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is it possible that you're minimizing the effects of emotional/verbal abuse? I've had all three types (emotional/sexual/physical) and the emotional abuse was by far the worst and the hardest to heal.

 

[WillowMarie]

It was hard for me to trust my own feelings and my own intuition. But once I realized that, I began to give myself permission to trust my own intuition and my own feelings and I felt more at peace and that helped my healing.

How did you get to this place? I have gotten there in the past, but have closed down again and am having a very hard time opening up again. It was very good for me when I trusted my intuition, very good. But I seemed to get bashed or brought down for believing in it. On my best days I am enthusiastic about making progress with surfaced memories, but others look down on that or think I am strange. Which I know shouldn't matter, but it takes it's toll on me, making me doubt myself.

My therapist is excited when I remember stuff, but she is consistently reminding me that it is not happening, there is no need to react to it. I liked it at first because it meant she understood the emotions surrounding trauma. Which it is starting to sound like I shouldn't react in my head, and especially with the "little" things, it seems silly to discuss them with her. It could just be that my brain is trying to find any reason not to trust her because the past few months I have been finding lots of little things that my head is screaming that doesn't sound right. I have talked to her about them, and she sees that if anything can be seen as invalidating, I have a problem with it.

I kind of mentioned this to her last session, but didn't really mention that she does this. Just that most people seem to not think the stuff that is popping up is a big deal and that it shouldn't bother me. And she said that once I see the big picture, it may not be that big of a deal, or something like that. I guess I was trying to tell her, I need people to empathize that even the "little" things are a bit deal to me right now.

Thank you for the courage. If I can find the courage to carry on by myself, I may get there again. It is when I start attempting to let other people help, or share things with them is when I start to doubt and hold back. Maybe I should just go back to trying to process things by myself... I made so much progress when I did that.

 

[WillowMarie]

Is it possible that you're minimizing the effects of emotional/verbal abuse? I've had all three types (emotional/sexual/physical) and the emotional abuse was by far the worst and the hardest to heal.

Yes, I think that is happening. Especially with the people who have believed/took me seriously are convinced that something worse must have happened for my huge memory blocks and dissociation. I know myself that it was horrible with just the emotional/verbal, even if I can't feel it know, I remember what emotions I felt during some of the situations. I remember I was very angry about this, or that I was crying and felt bad about that. It is when other people are added to the mix and don't see it as bad as I view/remember it, it makes me doubt myself and hold back.

Thank you for sharing your experience about the emotional abuse being the worst/hardest to heal from, it is strangely comforting because it is validating to me. I need to remember that I probably experienced everyone not acknowledging or comforting me, and that's why it is so hard when I see those reactions when I share with others now.

I had an idea yesterday that I am going to create a mantra to say everyday to help me stay optimistic and not care what others think about it. Something to keep me strong and remind myself that I can count on and support myself and that I don't need anyone else. Some people may disagree with the second part, but that is how I have kept strong my whole life and that is how I can stay strong and keep healing.

 

[WillowMarie]

As you stated inner child journey, I have challenges to do that because lot of them has been block out and I only remember few spots. May I ask - how do I start with inner child journey? I do have Therapist but I would like to know how or/and what to start. Your feedback would be great.

I have a TON blocked out as well. It is really hard for me, but I remind myself that when I show my body/brain that I am ready, that I can deal with it, I will remember.

When I write I remind myself it is okay to let myself feel. I take what I do remember, or thoughts I know I had, and tell myself that I understand why you thought/said/felt this and it is okay. That I will support her and be there for her. That I will acknowledge how she feels/felt. I write how some of the actions others showed her, were not right, and I tell her what she deserved: support, patience, being cared for, loved unconditionally, understanding. I remind her she shouldn't have been treated the way she was treated.

I also internet searched how to write to your inner child, and read a few things others have wrote to help give me an idea... ;) It is heartwarming to read them. I only wish someday I will feel super connected when I write and have it come out as heartwarming.

I did mention to my therapist that I was having a heard time writing to the little girl inside me and she explained more. Parent her. What would you say to someone who went through what you did? how would you comfort her? Hope that helps a bit. :)


I have a question for you PureDogs, do you react/get triggered by things but you don't know why? Like something makes you want to break down and cry, but you don't know why?

 

[PureDogs]

@WillowMarie

Yes it does happen to me when something trigger me and broke down then cried even I couldn't figure out what is it.

Writing a letter to my inner child? That sounds good idea but I am not sure where to start.

I remembered I do hear screaming or crying while I cried and crashed. Someone thinks it is coming from my own voice when I was child.

I am not sure if I am able to identify that

 

[Barberian]

In the past, pre-PTSD, I've done biofeedback to help get over the little things. I had a little monitor that had two finger cuffs that measured skin electrical resistance - the higher the stress, the higher the tone from the monitor. I'd randomly think of things, and wait for the tone to start to increase. That would let me know what I stumbled on was a stressor. I'd then work on that memory until I could think of it and not get a higher tone from the monitor, or at least much of a response. Some things I just couldn't eliminate a response.

I discovered quite a few things that caused stress I had no idea was an issue. Most were trivial, but some turned out to be quite difficult to work out. Anyway, that was a strategy I used in the past. I've long since lost the monitor, but when I want to work at it, I can still notice the changes in my breathing, heart rate, etc to discover things I still need to work on. My biggest issue now is finding the motivation, and strength to actually do it.

That is how I work on coming to terms (for the most part) with the little things. If you have enough, the little things become a mountain. If you work them out, they become a mole hill.

I haven't done much work on this post PTSD, simply because I no longer have a biofeedback monitor. Radio Shack no longer sells them. This has peaked my interest and I'll look for a new source. I'm out of time for now.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi WillowMarie

To answer your question, I found I was able to start trusting my intuition again when I started to be able to rely on my inner wisdom again. And for me, that happened after I started meditating regularly. I found that my meditation helped me be able to take a step back from my emotions (which are really only thoughts that get out of hand) and when there was a little bit of space there, I could once again access my innate wisdom and intuition, which we all have.

Even before I became Buddhist, I myself used mantras I made up to help get me through things and it worked really well for me. I found that it distracted the mind from grasping at the scary or negative thing that was happening and it was comforting.

And I so totally agree with what Solara said and what you said about emotional abuse being worse than physical and sexual abuse.

As for writing a letter to your inner child - It seems to me there is no right or wrong place to start - I have noticed that I ran into problems doing it when I started editing my own thoughts even before I put one word on paper. And the times when I did that, I never started.

It was only when I finally just let go and did not expect anything or judge what I wrote but just started, that things began to flow. It does not matter where you start - again that is part of trusting your intuition - once you start, it will lead you where you need to go and I am telling you it is SO freeing. Well, at least that is how it worked for me.

Sending you blessings - Laurie

 

[WillowMarie]

Yes it does happen to me when something trigger me and broke down then cried even I couldn't figure out what is it.

It frustrates me a bit when this happens. I guess in time it may show us why it is triggering.

I remembered I do hear screaming or crying while I cried and crashed. Someone thinks it is coming from my own voice when I was child.

I remember this happening to someone I knew and that was what I thought when they told me, as well. I can only imagine how creepy that can feel if one is unsure of what is happening.

@Barberian Very interesting, thank you for sharing.

And for me, that happened after I started meditating regularly. I found that my meditation helped me be able to take a step back from my emotions (which are really only thoughts that get out of hand) and when there was a little bit of space there, I could once again access my innate wisdom and intuition, which we all have.

I have heard of others doing this, what exactly is meditation/how do you do it? I remember reading/hearing something about repeating the same words in your head over and over and that just seems boring to me. But maybe there are other ways to meditate.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi WillowMarie -

There are a bunch of different types of meditation. There are the ones like you heard about where you chant a mantra that you are given and that works well for some people.

I have not tried that one.

The one I am talking about is usually called mindfulness meditation.

Most of the time we cannot get in control of our thoughts. This meditation helps to start to do that by teaching your mind to concentrate on one thing at a time. That one thing is the breath.

And it actually can seem to be boring as well at first, but the payoff in the end is that you are able to have more control over your thoughts and helps you to be more present in the moment..

To do this, as I said you start by feeling the sensation of your breath in your body. You simply breath normally just like you always do but your start to bring your awareness to the sensation of your breath in your belly or the sensation of cool air over your top lip as you breath in and warm air as you breath out.

You focus your mind singlepointedly on that one sensation.

As you do that, all the other thoughts in your mind are going to try to distract you away from that one task. That is perfectly normal. The idea is not to have no thoughts but to recognize your thoughts and be in control of them instead of them being in control of you.

So, you place your mind on that one sensation and as a thought jumps up and tries to take your mind away from the object of your breath, you simply acknowledge it. You can label it if you like - such as memory, or sound, or planning or fear or anxiety.

Once you label it, you simply let it go - do not follow it or make up stories about it or pay it any mind. You simply label it and let it go. Imagine it like a cloud returning back into a bright blue sky and then return your awareness back to the sensation of your breath.

Or you can imagine your thoughts like puppies you are trying to house break. Each time they wander off the newspaper, you gently pick them up and put them back on the newspaper. You don't have to interact with them or talk to them. Just be gentle but firm.

Being new at it, don't try it for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Since we have had what the Buddhists call "monkey mind" all our lives, it is going to take a while to get our minds so that we are in control and not the monkey. But slowly, slowly, we begin to notice that we can keep our mind focused on our breath without being distracted for longer and longer periods of time.

And then once we can do that then we can begin to recognize our thoughts as the begin to arise. We can recognize a pleasant thought as it arises, a neutral one or a negative one and we can choose whether to allow them to fully manifest or not.

I know that was kind of long winded but I hope that gives you an idea of what this meditation is about and in what ways it can help.

Blessings on you - Laurie