How Can You Accept A Memory?

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It has been almost a week that I have been struggling with severe anxiety. I feel like I can't breathe, I know part of me is throwing up regularly (I have DID and have no memory of actually doing it, but that part writes it in the journal). All of this stems from a memory that is trying to emerge.

I contacted my therapist tonight and we just got off the phone. She says it's so bad right now because I am scared of the memory. She says that's what's making it so bad. She says not to be afraid of it because I have already survived it. But I AM TERRIFIED and I don't know how to not be.

She mentioned going to the hospital if I really felt like I was having a lot of trouble. But I've been to the ER before when I was sick and their attitude completely changed once I told them about PTSD and I became mute out of terror. So I don't exactly think I'd be helped going there. Meds completely freak me out so there's not really anything they'd be able to do to help me though I am almost tempted by a one time dose of something because it's getting unbearable.

So I don't know what to do. How do I accept a memory? How do I not fear it?

And to top it all off, we leave for camping tomorrow.

 

[TeddydaBear62]

I might be simplistic. But I look at a memory as the past. Nothing in the past can harm me unless I allow it. Only something in the future is to be on the alert for.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@TeddydaBear62 - Thanks for responding. I don't know what the memory is. I get that it was in the past, but I have feared learning it. At this point if that's what makes me feel better, I want the memory, but I still resist it. It's an internal war. I have plenty of alertness for the future, too!

 

[greenleaf]

I don't know if this approach will help... I have been trying to tell myself the following:
It is the past, and that can't hurt me and isn't here anymore, but also I originally was terrified enough to block it out because I had no support and had to keep functioning somehow anyway to survive. So blocking it out appeared necessary to me back then. However, now I have a lot more emotional skills and support; it's not going to destroy me to remember and to feel those emotions.

So, it's not just the feelings of fear of the event, but the remembered feeling that experience those will be so chaotic and destructive that I won't survive -- thus terror. The fear of the fear is in my memory, and needs to be addressed in its old context. It's sort of having to persuade part of yourself that you can feel strong emotions now, and you won't be destroyed.

 

[Lucycat]

I would say - stop trying.
Just leave the memory be, it will come in its own time when it thinks you are ready. Trying to force it in or keep it out is wasting your energy. Neither strategy will work.

 

[Friday]

For me I'd have to break it down

Am I ?
- afraid of the memory
- afraid of my reaction to the memory... Panic attack, homicidal, suicidal, numb, etc.
- not afraid of the memory at all but... Angry, guilty, regretful, sad, disgusted, etc.
- afraid of not being afraid...

This last one gets long so I'm going to paragraph it... Meaning I know I "should" have a certain response, but don't. This one ties into fear of my present day reaction, because it's damn hard with some things to shut them off once I'm reminded. There are memories I avoid, because they shut my emotions off like a switch, and it's a stone bitch to turn them back on. When I know a memory does that, then it's #2. I'm afraid of my reaction to the memory. But some memories, I can catch the edges of. And they feel wrong. Smell wrong. A little early-warning-system built into them (Beyond here lie monsters). I can delve into them... But I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe nothing. Which is always a nice surprise. But usually, it's pick a card. I might have a panic attack, get homicidal, suicidal, numb, angry, regretful, sad, disgusted, etc. I. Don't. Know. All I know is that I've caught the edges of something, and I usually drop it like a hot piece of metal. It's something I "should" react a certain way to, and don't, and it may screw up my life (or do nothing at all).

Now... You might not have to break it down at all... You plain and simply are afraid of the memory. I have to break stuff down because
- I'm bad at emotions
- I treat each of those 4 options differently / different things work.

If I'm plain and simply afraid of the memory?
- I don't go there alone
- I give up all hope for a better past
- I treat myself to something decadent & fun (I'm very reward motivated... Other people I know are less carrot, more stick, and line up a punishment or withhold reward until it's been done. I don't. I get to go swimming -or have an ice cream, or get a massage, whatever I've lined up for later- regardless of whether I've dealt with the memory I'm skeered of, or not.

... As I said before, though, I handle all 4 differently.
Some I make sure I'm alone, some I make sure I'm medicated, etc. Because each have different problems.

 

[Hope4Now]

I have a similar problem. It sounds pat...way easier said than done and takes practice. Breathe and feel your own feet on the ground. Look at your feet and feel them in the now. And tell yourself (or whomever is there in the forefront at the moment) that everything is okay and that you are safe right now. Look around wherever you are at the moment and focus in on individual things and name them (eg this is a towel...this is the floor in my bathroom, this is the faucet...I am feeling the cold water on my hands...etc.) and keep telling yourself you are safe now.

My therapist keeps reminding me that memory and emotion will not annihilate me. Tell yourself that. And try to trust that your system will not let things come out until you are balances enough to cope with them. It will be hard and miserable but things will only emerge at the rate at which you can process them. And they won't hurt you.

When you go camping find time to be alone and try to experience the outdoors through your sensory system...feel the sun or rain on your skin. Take off your shoes and dig your toes into the soil. Listen to the individual sounds around you. Chew and taste your food. And keep reminding yourself that you are here now and safe.

Calming to you, JEK. I understand. I'm with you.[DOUBLEPOST=1405219668,1405219486][/DOUBLEPOST]Oh. One more strategy...imagine yourself in a big 3-d bubble around the size of arms width. All the emotion that comes up can be in the bubble with you but can be separate from your body. This helped me with the puking stuff and some other miserable symptoms.

 

[blue_eyes18]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know that must be very difficult.

At this point, perhaps it is the fear of the unknown that is causing you such distress? Which is a natural human reaction. You don't know what the memory is, so you don't know how to prepare yourself for it. I can definitely see how that would be very stressful.

You've already been given wonderful advice and your therapist is right - whatever it is, you were strong enough to live through it. Try and keep that in the back of your mind, even though I know that's much easier said than done.

Try and relax and destress as much as possible, if you can. You will be okay. I wish you the best.

 

[ghotiff]

My first T was into memory recovery, so I did what she suggested and I re-remembered things and it was a disaster for me.

Now, I believe that a memory will come, but only when it should come which will be when I'm strong enough for it. I no longer seek or push for memories, it's not good for me.

After I left my first T I spontaneously remembered something and I cried for hours at that memory, but it didn't overwhelm after those initial hours. So for me, I wait until the memory comes on it's own.

Everyone is different of course, but I wanted to share my experience.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks everyone. I did not sleep well last night, but, strangely, I feel a bit more hopeful. It is nice to read everyone's thoughts on here and support. I think it is the fear of the unknown and admitting that this was my life. I think I am trying to stop the memory because I am not ready for it, but obviously my body thinks I am. I am just trying to convince myself that it was in the past, I survived it, I can handle feeling it in the present, but asking my body to hold off until I meet with my therapist. If I can convince my parts of that, I think I might be okay for now.

@Hope4Now - Thank you for the reminder to notice what is around me. I cannot convince myself that I am safe and never have even before these memories. I simply don't believe in safety and I am starting to understand why. Maybe someday that will change. I do however, find benefit from noticing my present-day surroundings so thanks for that reminder. I like the bubble idea, too.

@ghotiff - Thanks for sharing your experience. My therapist is not trying to force these out. She is a big believer of just letting things lie and come out on their own. This memory is surfacing all on it's own and because it isn't fully out yet it is causing me fear. I need to confirm what has been felt, but am still terrified to do so even though I know that it will be helpful in the end. I have been through this cycle before (memory starts to emerge, I fight it, it comes, I process it, I feel better), but I have not had such intense anxiety for such a prolonged period of time before this so I know this new memory is huge.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I would suggest using what strategies you have, to help you to reduce the anxiety - not with any intention to find a memory, but like others have said, if you are ready it will come. It's the anxiety, rather than the memory itself that is causing you problems at the moment, so that's the bit you need to focus on managing.

All the best with it.

 

[NovemberStar]

I might be simplistic. But I look at a memory as the past. Nothing in the past can harm me unless I allow it. Only something in the future is to be on the alert for.

That is not how PTSD works. A memory might not 'hurt' you in the physician sense but a traumatised mind reacts pay all as if the threat IS a howling. Right there, right then.

If it was that simple to just tell ourselves 'but it's not happening right now' then few of us would struggle with the trauma memories.

Flashbacks especially, are SO DAMN VIVID it IS like you are back there in the moment of the original trauma reliving it over and over again. @JEKBreatheandBelieve I'm not sure if it's flashbacks you're experiencing when this happens to you? For me it took years to work out what my particular flashbacks were. I used to think you were in a flashback for minutes or longer - and re-inact an entire memory. My flashbacks however are so subtle and last only a few seconds or even less - it is literally like one second I am in the present; the next second, I am back 30 years in a blink of an eye, and I am THERE, feeling the same terror - thankful I only 'lose' a second or two, and the first clue I have that it was a flashback is I find myself wondering why I'm driving a car or why my dog is lying on me when 30 years ago I was a child who did not drive or own a dog. The emotional after feelings last minutes; being aware I am back in the present doesn't automatically make the terror and emotions go away. I can have these micro flashbacks multiple times in an hour - at it's worst, they can happen every few minutes - and when I dissociate as well (due to the ongoing intense stress of them), I start to have this terrifying thought that maybe the 'present' isn't even real at all - the PAST seems so much more real than the present - what if the past 30 years have all been a dream and any moment now. I will wake up and I will be right back in childhood living the trauma in real time again.

Anyway - I just wanted to share my experience if flashbacks in case you relate to that in any way.