How Can You Meet Someone When You Don't Like Being Around People?

[Rizen]

It is hard to meet your "type" of person in your 20s. What kind of people did you like to be around before you were diagnosed?

There isn't really a before. I've probably had PTSD developing since I was in 3rd grade.

Suppose you were able to meet some people and you liked each other. Could you say what that would look like? How often would you like to meet or be in contact, what sort of things would you talk about, what sort of things would you do together?

They'd have to have PTSD, be liberal and like to be out in nature. It doesn't matter what they look like but I would like to meet people near my age (20s). It's hard to say how often I'd see them; some days I'm not doing well and/or can't sleep. I don't know. I like to hike.


I was hoping to hear how other people with PTSD manage to meet people.

 

[Hashi]

The reason I asked was because I'm wondering how realistic you're being in your expectations/hopes, and how willing you might be to move your life around enough to fit friends into it.

I think you're putting an awful lot of restrictions on this. They have to have PTSD is a huge restriction, then to add your uncertainty about being able to do things depending on your sleep and how you feel, I think you're bringing your chances down to almost zero. Especially when your starting point is that you don't like human nature.

To be honest, I don't think it's so much about finding a place or a group where you can meet people. I think it's about finding a way to accept the adjustments and effort that are needed for friendships.

If various things make the kind of socialising you want difficult, you will need to accept the difficulties or accept not socialising. I'm not sure how you see an alternative. I had terrible depression and insomnia in my 20s. I used to drag myself to appointments with friends because if I hadn't I don't think I'd have had any friends and I couldn't face that.

I think it would be good to think about it from a potential friend's point of view. There has to be a bit of give. It's also about them.

I understand wanting to spend time with people of a similar age, who are liberal and like nature. I don't understand why they have to have PTSD. I wonder if it's because you're thinking people with PTSD would be __________ (fill in the blank). I would suggest that if so, then the criteria is someone who would be ________, not PTSD. You might find people without PTSD who can be _______ and you might find people with PTSD who don't have the personality for it, or are too symptomatic.

I do think there's hope for you to make friends if you can change your expectations a bit. At the moment it sounds to me like you're making it too hard for anyone to get through and into your life.

 

[Notsowild]

I am the same way - introverted and extremely shy. I would say too I do not like most people. I like my co-workers but I find them extremely gossipy and nosy. I have went out a few times with them but I don't consider them friends.

My problem is I like being alone but then I get lonely (weird). I did join a meet-up group bit I'm like you I get anxious especially in large groups. I have one friend who I met in a SA group but she is moving away soon. I need people who at least understand a little about anxiety and PTSD.

My psychiatrist gave me a number for an Anxiety/Depression group. I might call but I'm too nervous about meeting new people.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So you've been to a sleep doctor? She's given you a laundry list of things to do every day, without fail, in order to get your sleep back on track. You've done all of these things without fail for an extended period of time, but still don't sleep?

 

[jmni]

There isn't really a before. I've probably had PTSD developing since I was in 3rd grade.

They'd have to have PTSD, be liberal and like to be out in nature. It doesn't matter what they look like but I would like to meet people near my age (20s). It's hard to say how often I'd see them; some days I'm not doing well and/or can't sleep. I don't know. I like to hike.

I was hoping to hear how other people with PTSD manage to meet people.

Well I think its not so much how, as what you are doing when you do meet people. I guess in my opinion you have to be guarded and keep your ptsd and troubles to yourself, until you select someone to share with, unless you plan on treating everyone like your personal diary. So you have to set a lot of boundaries and be ready to walk away when ever you see a "red flag." In general I don't think you should be alone with people until you've really gotten to know them. It doesn't really sound like you're doing anything wrong. Maybe try talking to each person one on one so that you can interact with each and get a more accurate impression.

 

[Rizen]

The reason I asked was because I'm wondering how realistic you're being in your expectations/hopes, and how willing you might be to move your life around enough to fit friends into it.

You asked me to throw out an ideal "magic wand" scenario:

I know this is only in imagination, but if someone could wave a magic wand and get you connected to some people, what would be the ideal scenario for your relationship with them?

and then you say I'm not being realistic and I need to change my expectations. I'm getting irritated with this.

So you've been to a sleep doctor? She's given you a laundry list of things to do every day, without fail, in order to get your sleep back on track. You've done all of these things without fail for an extended period of time, but still don't sleep?

Yeah, I've tried everything. I've had insomnia since I was born. Nothing has ever worked :(

@ghotiff, jmni, Notsowild, Marylouise and Philippa thanks for the advice and suggestions :)

 

[ghotiff]

I have a few friends which I treasure.

If I look back at how they came to be my friends, they were at the beginning 'forced' acquaintances....eg I was forced to spend time with them because of a mutual work project, hobby or our kids being friends. I'm not the easiest person in the world to develop friendships with (at least at the beginning) so I think getting through the first stage by spending time together with no requirement for friendship is what ultimately works for me. I have a very direct friend who when we became 'friends' told me that ...(I won't say what she actually said)...but she said she had a very different impression of me than after she came to know me for a while (I think it was after 6mths of spending time with her basically every day at work).

I understand the idea of wanting a friend with PTSD. I only recently came across PTSD as relevant to me....but almost all my friends (after years) have disclosed some type of childhood trauma (varying scales of course). Point is, I doubt my ability to have friendships with complete 'normals'.....I just don't have enough in common. The beauty (for me) of having friends with difficult childhoods is that they are very tolerant of my quirks....and there is absolutely no blame....cause they too have quirks, they're just different ones.

From the above, I'm thinking maybe you can join a group which is not demanding (ie don't have to go every week etc)...but doing an activity you enjoy. That way, you can do something you enjoy doing with people around that one day you might like, and they might like you back. Maybe small group hikes or walks?

 

[marylouise]

I just moved to a new city, so I'm feeling very aware of my need for connection with people and my capacity for loneliness. I did this once before, so it's a familiar situation in some ways. I remember from before feeling better just being around people, in any capacity. They don't have to become life-long friends. I enjoy just going out to dinner with a group of strangers with whom I have a common interest (or interests) which we can chat about.

I'm not the most social person ever, but I do like having people in my life. When I was younger, I didn't know that about myself. I had this attitude that I could take people, or leave them. I treated people like toys. They were amusing and fun to hang out with mostly. I didn't start making real friendships with the hallmarks of intimacy that stayed with me until I was 27. I was 7 years into therapy for complex PTSD by then.

I find that I'm very attached psychically to my stuffed lion - who interestingly came into my life at age 26. I find him really very comforting to have around when I'm lonely. I imagine a pet would be even more of a comfort.

 

[Philippa]

All my cat has to do is come up and snuggle into my chest and start purring, and I feel so comforted and at ease. he always knows when I need that as well. Cats are natural healers.

Their purring vibrations have been found by sound therapists to be at just the right hertz, in sound frequency, to assist with healing, both themselves if there is any issue and anyone they are near. Cats are awesome.

It might sound a bit eccentric, but I also consider my crystal collection to be like my natural mineral 'family'. I've collected stones and crystals for about 25 years, so my house is full of them. Not the same as human family or connection, I realise, but it can make a person feel better.

 

[rondynash]

Searching for new friends is something which has become very easy because we have been equipped with many online sites to get new friends.

 

[sugarlove]

I find that I tend to keep things to myself and seeks isolation alot. But it's really a step at a time. Saying Hi to my neighbour helps, even if it's twice a day. And keep doing that until he or she strikes a conversation. Then you know, life has funny plans. THey might have a party and invited you over and you might meet someone or whatever. The first step is to say Hi to someone. Learn that initiation technique. And usually such interactions are short so it won't be that difficult. Maybe the postman. Just get used to having that human interaction. It's not easy, sometimes I just want to pretend I am not home. But it will get easier.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am an isolate, I isolated myself for year. No matter what age I have been, I never felt like I fit in with my age group. Never really had friends ect, and after my disastrous first marriage, I create my impossible list. Which was a list of qualities that someone had to have for me to even consider dating. Thanks to the internet, I was able to meet that person.

It is very difficult to be lonely and yet not wanting to be around people, especially stranger at the same time. With the internet you can get around that.