What kind of realisations and readaptations?
Are you living at your parents right now? Even though your still having a bad time you don't sound so desperate and on edge all the time.
Generally I think so, I think I'm doing a bit better. Still at my parents, hopefully not for much longer. I mean for the most part it's not like anything magically changed. BUT, 3 main things made change:
1. accepting what is more, or trying to- when I arrived I was somewhat broken I think. I mean I tried to tell myself I'll magically move on and change everything in like a week because I didn't handle being here...but it doesn't work like that. Some things take time. I spend a long time depressed or anxious and couldn't move forwards. When I started accepting what is, it helped a bit. For example when I first arrived it really hurt not knowing anyone and I was so hurt and lonely ...since I accepted this as more reactive time, my time to heal and study and reflect, rebuild, until I get back to normal socializing, that really helped.
2. I set a date to return to my city and get apartment/get independent- for mid-December. I can change that later on, but since I set an exact date I started working out and taking walks and applying for work more. Knowing there was a date I'm aiming at is helping it feel temporary and is motivating me to actually do things.
3. STANDing up for myself and accepting I may be heard- I got sick or some things at home and started standing my ground a bit with my parents. Even though I often have to repeat conversations and it doesn't always give result, saying what I think more has been liberating. That way I admit my voice matters too, even if I'm gentle and diplomatic, I still make it a point to say my peace. That helps. My parents are set in their ways, they may not change, but liking myself enough to think that my opinion matters, changes how I think of myself a bit.
And also as I said, I ended up reflecting a lot. I've watching a lot on personal finance, on body issues and other topics popping up. I realised some things about growing in poverty, about disliking my body(even when I weighed a LOT less and no one had any idea why), about generational cycles and about why poverty when I'm away for home bothers me less than when I am here. I even did probably the most complete and unplanned analysis of my FULL job history from teenager until now and how exactly I got myself in such a bind. Obviously trauma plays a role, but there were many other things I have never thought about.
Making this constant analysis of my situation and different issues in different context ended up with journaling daily reflections I'd never had before. That is helpful both in accepting everything that happened, but also, in trying to figure out WHY I got here. Because I'm here if I want it or not. But this is my chance to change the trajectory of things. Once I am back in my city I'll need to get apartment, housewares, all my stuff from friend's houses, socializing, working out, running around the city to apply to jobs. I want to be active when I get back. So there won't be as much time to figure out how my job history got so messy, how to build career if I can't do the job I used to have and need to start from scratch, what exactly to apply for. It will be time for action. So this is time to get money for an apartment...BUT also valuable time to figure out where I went wrong so that I make sure I don't do it again.
All in all I think the main point in this is still basically acceptance of things being messy and uncertain right now.
It is what it is and I'm doing the best of it.
ALSO, lately I feel like I'm waking up, and I have felt like I'm under water for at least the summer.
Maybe it was the situation, but also, maybe I was very depressed and while I didn't like doing nothing for a month and then doing very little and increasing in time since here- maybe it's still allowing me some chance to heal. I don't know. But I am trying and yes, things have been a bit more active and more tolerable. Not because anything around me did, but I think I did.
