Relationship How Do I Cope With Ptsd Wife?

[Mitch]

This is my first new thread here and I'm new to this site. My wife has PTSD and she has a chronic illness. She has had this for most of her life (in early forties now). Without going into all the details, suffice it to say that she has been subject to the sort of trauma that no person should ever have to go through. For which she has my sympathy.

My question is; How should I deal with it?

Since we've been together I have tried to make allowances for her erratic behaviour. She is a beautiful person, kind, loving, caring, hardworking and genuine. I love her more than I ever thought possible. But from time to time she can push me away very hard. It hurts a lot. I know it is only her paranoia and fear getting the better of her and that she does love me. After a few days or weeks she calms down, apologises and goes back to being her normal good self. She stops shouting at me, drops the snide comments and allows me to touch her again. We get on well for a few weeks until I start to notice the fear/tension building inside her again. Eventually she blows up over what is usually an insignificant matter (like me forgetting to take my mobile phone with me when I go to the grocery store) and the whole cycle starts again.

I am getting better at handling the situation, but that usually requires me walking on eggshells or accepting being treated like a dormat. I realise that this is not ideal as If I don't respect myself I cannot expect others to respect me either. Lately I have tried to stick up for myself a bit more in as calm a manner as possible. This sometimes works. I really want to make this marriage work. I am trying so hard, but no matter what problems there are, they are always "my fault". It is always me that has to give in and it is always my feelings that are ignored. Naturally my wife claims the the opposite is the case. Lol.

I know I'm not perfect. But I'm not that bad to live with. I clean, cook, listen to anyones problems, try to help, never forget a birthday or anniversary, I regularly engage in spontaneous romantic gestures (flowers, love notes etc.), am very capable at home maintenance and other practical things. I try very hard.

I can't see our problems getting dealt with unless we both get counselling and some mental help. My wife has had counselling in the past. I feel she needs more. I feel I need counselling too. I have started to get help, but I know I can only be one half of the relationship. I once tried to suggest as kindly as I could that my wife needed more counselling. I offered to go with her, have couples counselling, anything so long as she was involved too. Sadly she didn't take it very well and refused to entertain the notion. After about a month or two she forgave me for mentioning it and we made up. That was the worst few weeks of my life. I went through so much emotional pain during that time as I was treated in an aggressively hostile manner.

How do I help her see that she needs help too?

<Edited for posting in bold.>

 

[Mitch]

P.S. I forgot to mention that we both poor health, which doesn't help. I have my own imperfections too, by no means can I blame my wife for every problem!

<Edited for posting in bold.>

 

[Mitch]

I reckon my post was too long. Nobody has answered it. Lol.

 

[Barberian]

"

My question is; How should I deal with it?

Well I was going to joke "very carefully" but I thought better not.

Honestly I was hopeing others would take the lead on this one. I was looking for some inspiration on this as well. In our relationship I'm the one with PTSD, my wife is the supporter and has a few of her own issues.

When we first got together, it was her issues that got us to go to counseling. I didn't have PTSD yet. The way I encouranged her was I went to counsleing first. After the sessions I'd talk with her about what was said. Sometimes she could agree, sometimes it made her mad. After a few sessions she wanted to sit in on them so she could get her side of the story out to the counselor. After a few couples counseling we each had separate counsling with the counselor along with couples counseling. I kinda did this on purpose, because I knew my wife very well. I knew it would work to get her into the counseling sessions.

Was I a bad boy for manipulating the situation? Some may say yes, some may say no. Our marriage did improve from the counsling and we are still together 20+ years later.

Just remember, you can't force anybody to do something they don't want to do. To try to do so will certainly cause more problems than you are already dealing with. Take care of yourself first. You can't take care of anybody else if your a mess.

 

[BigBear]

I reckon my post was too long. Nobody has answered it. Lol.

Sometimes you just catch a bad day... For instance, my life's been pretty nuts for the last several months. It's pretty much built up until I couldn't answer much of anything for the last week.

Each thread is going to reach a small subset of those here at a given time. If they are all at a low moment, the thread will quickly drop out of the top 10 list. Remember that there are currently over 22,000 threads on here. Once a thread disappears from the top of the pile, good luck finding it again... So it's mostly a mater of timing...

I can't see our problems getting dealt with unless we both get counselling and some mental help. My wife has had counselling in the past. I feel she needs more. I feel I need counselling too.

Couples counseling is a a good idea. Perhaps saying, "I need counseling, could you help me get it? Be there to support me."

It sounds like she's stopped working to recover. If so, that is a very bad sign! Have you explored with her what you can do to help her, what her unmet needs are. Have you considered what "love language" she uses (there's a book that talks about the different ways people are able to perceive love).

It sounds like there is something worth fighting for here! Don't give up...

Bear

 

[Curly]

Hi Mitch, glad you found this site - it's been a Godsend for me. I spend a lot of time reading posts here but I'm now trying to participate so I hope you don't mind my input.

Your wife is obviously aware that she has PTSD but if she will not entertain counselling has she given a reason? The best advice I keep reading on these forums is regarding looking after yourself first and setting boundaries. You should not allow yourself to be treated like a doormat and you should not have to be forgiven for suggesting counselling.

You say you've started sticking up for yourself in a calm way - this is exactly what I have been doing with my BF recently and he has now gone back to counselling and we have an appointment for couples counselling. I am not saying that me standing up for myself and explaining when something wasn't acceptable was like waving a magic wand but something has clicked. Some behaviour is not acceptable whether there is PTSD involved or not.

Please take care of yourself, go to counselling yourself if you need to (it may show you leading by example) and keep reading these forums, there is so much help and information.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Mitch,

The others have given some great thinking, particularly regarding you both getting help (either together or seperately) with you leading the way.

One thing did occur to me, in that you say your wife has a chronic illness. In my experience, chronic illness, even without PTSD, can take it's toll on the mind and spirit. My husbands PTSD was all mixed up with his medical issues and disablity.

I don't know the details of your situation, so am only speculating, but might you gain some support or insight via any self help groups (or doctors) for her specific condition? We had a breakthrough moment when we found a trauma rehabilitation specialist who signposted us to specialist services, including a carers group for me.

Best of luck, x

 

[ProudWife99]

I am getting better at handling the situation, but that usually requires me walking on eggshells or accepting being treated like a dormat. I realise that this is not ideal as If I don't respect myself I cannot expect others to respect me either.

Hi Mitch. I'm so glad you were able to find this place and I hope you find some comfort and wisdom here. It is encouraging to hear that others struggle with the same things we do as in our own worlds we feel completely alone.

Walking on eggshells is a common term used when talking in terms of PTSD. Sometimes that cannot be avoided. My husband was released from his PET therapy, is a full time student, a wonderful husband, and most of the time extremely caring and compassionate. THIS took years of work and fights and battles and tears. It did not happen over night. I also learned that it wouldn't ever go away completely. There are moments I know to avoid talking about things that stress him out more than he can handle. We have developed a system that works well for us.

When we walk in the door the first thing we do is report our irritation level. If I say a 3 and he says a 2, then we're both feeling pretty good and can converse about just about anything. There are some days he will come home and say "Babe, I'm at a 4" and I know that means to give him some time to cool down from whatever bothers him to talk. I won't approach anything serious until he feels like he is below a 4. Anything above a 4 means "I need some time"

It seems juvenile, but it has saved us so much heartache lately. I have to worry about walking on eggshells less (because honestly, sometimes we just don't catch that we're in a bad mood) and we communicate at appropriate times when we both feel safe.

Just my two cents.

 

[Tinyflame]

Mitch, I don't have much to add as I am single, but I was impressed by how you take much responsibilty for yourself, or see it from 2 sides and as a relationship- 'both people'. I think that's terrific.

 

[ISupportHer]

Mitch,

It can be very hard for you, I'm sure. I'd bet that I have felt much of what you feel.

You ask "How should I deal with it?" No easy answers there. No "one size fits all" template. I can share some of what helped me.

The forum: I came here thinking that I had to find someone who was in the exact same situation as me in order to benefit anything. What I have found is that any one person here can help any one other person here. No matter if supporter or sufferer, male or female, no matter age or sexual orientation. Sometimes something will just click for you as someone says something that will help. Take all the little pieces and put it together as best you can to help you find your way.

People: I was fortunate enough to develop some close friendships through communication with other members. Even some former members that I am still in contact with. It provides a chance for more immediate feedback. Validation of your feelings as well as a source of support. This is not for everyone though. For me? It was just something about talking with someone who "gets it".

Books: My wife's trauma was sexual. I found a few books that helped me a lot. Helped to not only explain some behaviors but also my own reactions and feelings. I have mentioned them several times but if you need the info, let me know.

Therapy: My stress level was such that I never lasted long in the several attempts but I can now look back and see that there was value in it. Some suggestions that I still follow. I think it's worth a try for anyone, including supporters.

Do anything: There are bits of information to be gleaned from so many resources. Podcasts, magazines, self help groups in the community. Online articles. It's easy to be overwhelmed with the situation at home and want to withdraw. Look anywhere you can for knowledge that will help YOU. Help you understand, help you react, help you grow.

ISH

 

[fish out of water]

Mitch

Welcome, I have ptsd and my husband looks after me and from my point of view I know its hard acceping help and seeking external counselling. It toook me a long time to attend sessions after my husband had attended his. I knew I needed something but its hard to accept. Joint counselling did help but I got more upset when he showed emotion so we did our seperate sessions. Prehaps if u discuss how much counselling is helping you she might be able to find a way.

Hope this helps.

Stay strong and keep supporting her as I know the only reason I keep going is because of my husband.

Fish out of water.

 

[LizardViolet]

When she's being mean, just say, very calmly, something like, I see you are not in the mood for conversation, or I see you are grumpy, and we can talk about this later. And walk away.

In my own situation, I have started to tell my sweetie if he is being mean. Or I say, STOP. Walking away from him is very, very hurtful to him so I don't do that, but when I ask him to stop, he does, and we change the subject.

I used to just take it and say nothing, but it hurt me too much and hurt our relationship. There was no virtue in being strong like that.

It helps me to know that when he is reacting, or pushing me away in some manner, it's because he's triggered. I know that he doesn't intend to hurt me. So I give him some space and protect myself. You can do the same.