How do I do “processing”?

[grit]

Please do not create feelings that go against what you feel. Precisely why would you do that? That was not my intention at all. However, I will take the fault of not expressing myself clearly. I can be more fixing than helping sometimes (or most of the time) - my own fallacy which I am working on.

My point is this whenever there is a dissociation during therapy (and this is based on my personal experience as well as reading upon it on few articles), you are dissociating from a fundamental split in your psychic. Something that is deeply embed in your body/mind...and it has to be a intense feeling, otherwise it does not require to disintegrate you now. It could be hate or rage or abandonment or extreme need for rescue or shame or many other original (not a residue of something else) but original emotions based on biology....meaning even a new born child could experience.

I am not a therapist nor do I know your life anymore than what you post here, I only gave you an angle I thought may be beneficial. I am sorry your mother passed away recently. A lot of adults go through extreme regression after such a loss of a parent and usually come to realize more about their relationship and love and a lot of other things. Grief is tough because it challenges the core.

Dissociation in a child or young adult is usually a great defense of extreme situation but a dissociation in adult-form is resistance to an extreme emotion from the past not the present (unless again you are in war zone like experience) which you are not. I hope you find whatever that is and feel safe.

 

[barefoot]

@grit - I see, sorry for misunderstanding and getting confused.

I think a lot of my dissociation in therapy has been triggered by shame...I would start to feel a tiny sense of shame and then my head would just be gone.

As I mentioned, my dissociation has improved a lot over the past year or so, but I suppose I still worry about triggering it in a tough therapy session. I suppose that fear of dissociating badly creates a hesitation to diving into the harder stuff.

 

[NightSky]

@grit - I see, sorry for misunderstanding and getting confused.

I think a lot of my dissociation in therapy has been triggered by shame...I would start to feel a tiny sense of shame and then my head would just be gone.

As I mentioned, my dissociation has improved a lot over the past year or so, but I suppose I still worry about triggering it in a tough therapy session. I suppose that fear of dissociating badly creates a hesitation to diving into the harder stuff.

I am noticing that the dissociation is improving in sessions, because a few sessions ago I was talking about some body memory stuff and I turned bright red. I’ve never done that, and could always sort of discuss stuff with no feeling. That showed me that I’m “in the room,” and the only way to combat that shame is expose it to empathy. You can learn all about shame and how it shouldn’t belong to you, but I think feeling it in the presence of a caring person and realizing it won’t kill you is one way to chip away at it.

 

[Mach123]

I used to say "you can't force it." It's like giving birth, it happens in its own time. Why didn't I understand this before maybe my therapist is not doing her job. Maybe you weren't ready to know it.
Why do I have to keep saying it over and over? It's so traumatic and I don't feel like it's helping.

Because that's what processing is.

My first trauma therapist said "You'll get to a point and be able to say I was sexually abused easily." That was a long time ago and it hasn't happened yet but you know what? I can sort of picture it now? I can imagine it without feeling like if I said that I'd be struck by lightning. Or throw up.

I don't want to say it or like saying it and I can't think of many scenarios where I'd feel like I should or had to say it and I hope I don't. My head probably won't blow off though.

 

[grit]

@grit - I see, sorry for misunderstanding and getting confused.

I think a lot of my dissociation in therapy has been triggered by shame...I would start to feel a tiny sense of shame and then my head would just be gone.

As I mentioned, my dissociation has improved a lot over the past year or so, but I suppose I still worry about triggering it in a tough therapy session. I suppose that fear of dissociating badly creates a hesitation to diving into the harder stuff.

Shame is a secondary emotion and requires others to be around to be witnessed or induce in others. Shame is not a feeling born in solitary so what was creating the shame is the deeper issue that perhaps your body and mind are fighting not to repeat or remember in therapy. I have had and still have some of those feelings but for me I am no longer dissociating about them but feel depressed about them - a tiny but mighty improvement for me.

 

[barefoot]

@NightSky - I actually had a similar experience in therapy a few weeks ago. I was talking about someone in my family who is triggering for me...she hasn’t done anything wrong...it is more that she triggers feelings of shame and disgust, I think because of things I was experiencing at her age. I suddenly felt incredibly hot - in particular, it felt like my face and ears were burning. I asked my therapist if she felt hot and she said she didn’t. I then asked her if I looked hot and she said that, yes, my face was very red and had been for a while. She smiled kindly and gently said, “that’s actually good progress.” So, I suppose I am getting somewhere with this stuff...slowly, slooooowly...

My first trauma therapist said "You'll get to a point and be able to say I was sexually abused easily."

Reading this made me feel a bit panicky!
I’m so glad that, even though you’re not there yet, there have been shifts for you.

Maybe there is something in that fear for me, which is stopping me...fear that I won’t be able to manage if it all came out or that fear I mentioned earlier of dissociating badly because I won’t be able to control myself and stay present... My T always tells me that the worst has already happened and that my psyche now won’t allow anything that I cannot cope with...and, intellectually, that makes sense to me and I can nod along and say ok because I get that...but perhaps I am still holding too much fear that I never really let go and allow everything to come?

 

[Freida]

My first trauma therapist said "You'll get to a point and be able to say I was sexually abused easily." That was a long time ago and it hasn't happened yet but you know what? I can sort of picture it now? I can imagine it without feeling like if I said that I'd be struck by lightning. Or throw up.

Its taken 3 years but my T finally got me to admit to the word ... gasp... VICTIM. :laugh:

 

[Friday]

Shame is a secondary emotion and requires others to be around to be witnessed or induce in others. Shame is not a feeling born in solitary

Profoundly disagree. Humiliation might require an audience, but my deepest shames are completely independent of what anyone else thinks or feels about them. It’s enough that I am ashamed of myself. No one else has to be, nor does their opinion -good or bad- matter. My shame is my own.

Its taken 3 years but my T finally got me to admit to the word ... gasp... VICTIM. :laugh:

LMAO... I’ve always rather liked the word victim... because it’s past tense. Sure. I was a victim of this or that. But I can only be a victim while it’s actually going on. You have to rather purposefully drag victimhood forward along with you (which is the gross yucky part I think most of us revile against, the attempt to carry it around). But having been a victim? Sure. Yesterday. Last week. Last month. Last year. Last life. Not right now. Unless I am, shit happens, but if so it won’t be for long! :sneaky:

Survivor, on the other hand, clings. Shudder. Nope. That word can f*ck right off.

 

[grit]

I think you either misunderstood my comment or you meant to say something else and I did not get it.
The question about shame is: how did you acquire it? That was the gist of my comment. It is yours today but where did you get it from?

 

[Friday]

The question about shame is: how did you acquire it? That was the gist of my comment. It is yours today but where did you get it from?

Exactly. And I’m disagreeing that it has to come from someone/something else, rather than my own beliefs, values, experience, & character.

 

[Freida]

LMAO... I’ve always rather liked the word victim... because it’s past tense. Sure. I was a victim of this or that. But I can only be a victim while it’s actually going on. You have to rather purposefully drag victimhood forward along with you (which is the gross yucky part I think most of us revile against, the attempt to carry it around). But having been a victim? Sure. Yesterday. Last week. Last month. Last year. Last life. Not right now. Unless I am, shit happens, but if so it won’t be for long! :sneaky:

Survivor, on the other hand, clings. Shudder. Nope. That word can f*ck right off.

this makes soooo much sense! :laugh:

On the shame thing -- I think its kind of a combination. I have shame about the things I did during my trauma to stay alive that I will probably never admit to another human being. But it comes from acts orchestrated by someone else who put me in a position of being humiliated for their entertainment -- which then left me ashamed of myself.

I think putting that shame where it belongs (under survival) will be necessary for me to finish this journey.
But as Scarlett OHara said -- fiddle dee dee - I'll think about that tomorrow! :laugh:

 

[barefoot]

In case it’s of interest/use to anyone, I did actually bring this up with my T a couple of sessions ago... I asked her what the difference is between “talking about it” and processing...in terms of what would that look like and what would we be doing differently.

She said that I repress my feelings. That as soon as a feeling comes up, I push it down and make it be gone asap. So, without the feelings, when we talk about stuff together, it is generally a purely intellectual exercise.

To process stuff, she said I need to engage all of me - not just my mind. And the key thing seems to be that I need to stay present with my feelings for longer instead of immediately repressing them.

I said that I don’t think I can do that and she said that she can help me with that and that she thinks I am ready but that we can go slowly.
I remained sceptical!

She said my go to to cope with (ie avoid, I guess) my feelings used to be to dissociate. And that I then shifted from dissociation to repression. And that, since I made that shift, I can make the next shift from repression to the next step. I asked what that was and she looked a bit shifty and smiled a bit tentatively and said that I might not like the sound of it...But that the next step is me using the therapeutic space and our relationship as the container...

So, we’ve left it that that’s now our aim...that I’m going to work towards feeling my feelings and staying with my feelings more with her...and she’s going to help me...

But it sounds horrendous to me. The thought of her witnessing my feelings feels awful and the idea of me needing to...I don’t know...lean in....more to our relationship feels terrifying. I told her that. She just smiled kindly and said she knew but that we’d get there.

She is so patient and kind and encouraging. But now she is feeling too close. And part of me likes it and wants to be closer. And part of me is in a total panicked frenzy about it and wanting to run or at least create a lot of distance between us. But I know that’s the opposite of what I’m “supposed” to be doing.

So...it was a good conversation and useful to get some clarity and her insight into all this. And she is so encouraging without being pushy and she genuinely seems to think I can make this shift and take this next step. I just don’t think I’m capable. I’m just so rubbish at all this ?