How do I do “processing”?

[Freida]

I’m wondering if your post relates to what I was just saying about getting caught up talking about talking about it?

yep. :laugh: I spend so much time trying to find outside answers because I'm scared to look inside. So round and round and round we go. My T has been calling me out on it more recently... Yes - that is a fact of what happened. But how do you feel?
Loooonnng process!

 

[barefoot]

Yes, circling round and round sounds familiar...!

I think my T is starting to call me out on it more.

She has mentioned the importance of me “being witnessed” with my feelings a few times lately. I think that has spooked me. I don’t want to be witnessed

 

[Freida]

She has mentioned the importance of me “being witnessed” with my feelings a few times lately. I think that has spooked me. I don’t want want to be witnessed

Yes! the first time my t went on about that I almost bolted. Then she changed it to "the power of letting someone be with you when you have feelings about those horrible things"

I'm still working on that one. :laugh:
I think that's why being here is helpful ..... because I allow people to talk with me about how I feel

 

[barefoot]

Being witnessed sounds like someone is just staring at me, watching me. And I know that isn’t what this means in this context. But I think that connection I have with it makes me feel worse. Perhaps I need to try to reframe it.

On the occasions when I have got a bit emotional in front of my T, it has felt so excruciating and I have asked her not to look at me. And she looks away or looks down and I gather myself and then, once gathered, I generally talk about something else.

Sometimes I’ve covered my face, literally hiding myself under a scarf.

Shame, shame, shame.

T has said recently that truly being seen deactivates shame. But her looking at me when I’m feeling ashamed or whatever just feels worse. I don’t know how to bear it.

 

[Freida]

Yep...yep...and yep!!! :laugh: I feel the same way a lot! Still..and we've been together for years. That's where a place like this is good --helps you feel more normal. Plus if you can't tell people with similar stories they should be ashamed of what happened to them then you can't tell yourself that either :hug:

T has said recently that truly being seen deactivates shame

true.... But she means eventually..not necessarily right now

You are doing the work, even though it's hard and messy, and that's what really matters :hug:

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the encouragement @Freida

 

[MyWillow]

So many wonderful responses but I wanted to say @barefoot you are not alone. My last however long has been full of dissociation and triggers....psydoc therapy, equine therapy, trauma sensitive yoga, sleep...

....the whole concept of “processing” is beyond me. I’m flicking back to just “making room” and knowing “it will pass” and that “I am safe” and although “it feels just awful” in time “I will be ok”. Thanks to my GP, yoga teacher, psychologist and psychiatrist for all those quotes.

 

[shimmerz]

Sorry, I haven’t actually read anything besides the original posting. So please forgive me if I’m restating something or if this post just doesn’t seem to fit.

For myself when I referred to processing I referred to challenging existing beliefs systems and kicking the crap out of denial. It’s also for me, about looking at conflicting beliefs that can’t really reside together in one headspace. Things like I don’t deserve to be loved versus I shouldn’t be treated like nobody loves me.

It’s a lot of work this processing bullshit, but well worth it at the end of the day

 

[Hi Fear this is me]

Hi barefoot, the dissociative states are exhausting and have felt after 'processing' I apparently experience far fewer. I say 'apparently' as I have really patchy memories of these times; I somewhat blackout. This blog was helpful for detailing how I 'process' when I am triggered "The art of healing trauma" The Slowed Down Thinking Exercise – The Art of Healing Trauma
What you are doing is really hard. I am deeply sorry for what happened to you, it was not okay. You are good, you are wise, and you will get through this.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks to recent posters who have given this a nudge and reminded me that this thread exists!

So, we’ve left it that that’s now our aim...that I’m going to work towards feeling my feelings and staying with my feelings more with her...and she’s going to help me...

I haven’t made any progress with this ^^^
It doesn’t matter how many times I say I want to dive in, do ‘the deeper work’, really start processing... I just don’t seem capable.

 

[Tj's Paradigm Shift]

For me processing means getting out of my own way and letting my brain do its thing. No fighting it, no trying to distract myself, no self-judgement. Just letting the thoughts/feelings/emotions and what not run amuck and trying to stay present while it happens. I do feel kind of like it's something "seperate" from me - like my brain is an alien and it is sorting stuff out on its own and I'm just along for the ride. Then when its done I can step back and look at what has changed, stayed the same, has feelz attached, all that stuff.

I've been through so much trauma the past eight months that it unraveled the progress I made in therapy some time back. I still struggle with isolation, past and more so presently. It was past trauma that caused me to detach several years ago. Recent events from a medical nightmare, the residuals of that and ongoing harassment leaves little hope. It has triggered horrible trauma from the past. Every day is a living nightmare. I pray that counseling can help me transcend what I am currently experiencing.

 

[Fozbear]

so thankful for this forum and this thread!!! I am processing grief from my childhood today. Things that happened in my childhood that makes things more challenging today like communication, memory, concentration. These areas have always been a problem but they have been improving lately and I maintain a good attitude but I still have these feelings of grief coming up today. Perfect health is my birthright! I want to go to a women’s social group today but I’m afraid I will start crying in group and I don’t want to do that. I left a group last night without saying goodbye to everyone because I was already fighting back tears. The grief I am experiencing though is a positive thing though because it will bring me more healing.

I’m trying to decide between going to the group to feel better or to do self care at the moment.