How do I explain my issues of stuck greif to my new therapist?

[Fadeaway]

My last horrific therapist is now on personal leave. I have a new one finally, but they are in the same practice.

There are pros and cons to this therapist. She mostly does group therapy with another therapist and only takes on a few private patients, so if I am really struggling, she can generally make time for me. I don't want to abuse that though do I doubt I will utilize it if I am not in crisis. I like how she took the time to explain to me what was wrong with the system and why I couldn't get help.

On the other had she has made an assumption about why I struggle with stuck grief. She also pushed too hard during my last session. It was my 3rd appointment.

Two days before my last session I had an online friend pass away. I didn't sleep the night before as myself and others where trying to support our lost friends daughter.
At my session I wanted to talk about my issues with grief.

She asked what I thought happened after death and I told her I don't think it is possible for anyone to know. She got stuck on that aspect of it. However, my real issues come from no one giving two shits about me when I lose someone. Being told thing like "Don't you dare shead a tear over him" regarding my grandfather or earning the nickname "ice queen" because I felt numb over my mothers. And then there are the deaths where I grieved all alone and not a soul in the world to talk to about it. And being put in a recovery room with a happy celebrating family while I mourned the loss of my daughter. Not a single visitor for the 11 days I was there. (9 days pre birth trying to keep me from delivering prematurly)

Anyways, I got too overwhelmed and wanted to leave. She made me feel obligated to stay and "sit with my uncomfortable feelings instead of running away"

I don't know how to tell her I don't need help trying to reconcile what happens after death, I have ideas, I just strongly don't think it is possible to know for sure. I need help with grieving in a healthy manner so I can move on.

I don't know how to tell her without feeling overwhelmed.

 

[Fadeaway]

I guess what I am trying to say is that my therapist has an intense personality which offers the opportunity for growth but overwhelms me at the same time. If I want therapy at all I have to make this work because therapists are far and few between around here.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you write it down? Say “____ makes me feel overwhelmed”...?

 

[Fadeaway]

I am not sure I could tell someone there personality overwhelms me. It seems mean.

 

[scout86]

I don't think it has to BE mean though. You're not blaming her for "making" you feel something, you're providing the information that you DO feel a particular way. It's not anyone's fault, it's just a thing.

I don't know how to tell her I don't need help trying to reconcile what happens after death, I have ideas, I just strongly don't think it is possible to know for sure. I need help with grieving in a healthy manner so I can move on.

When I've had that kind of conversation with my T, it seems like we usually don't get it right the first time. It usually takes a longer discussion (or several of them) to be sure we understand each other. That's been a little uncomfortable sometimes. I guess it feels like I'm "being difficult". My T doesn't seem to see it that way though and learning to take a chance on "being difficult" to get my thoughts heard and understood has been valuable all itself. (Still a work in progress, I'm not very good at it most the time. It still feels "wrong" more often than not.)

 

[MyWillow]

Tough one. Probably also good to consider transference (normal, not bad!!!). Last session with my psydoc (who is amazing) I was terrified of her. Needed actual physical distance. And she’s a strong and safe person. I know that logically. She’s apologised in the past for triggering me.

Tell her what YOU feel. You don’t have to make it about her. “I feel overwhelmed by your strength” for example. If she’s a T worth her salt she won’t take it personally but will use it as a springboard for discussion.

 

[grit]

I think you must own your own overwhelming feelings. You are grieving, have PTSD (assuming you are on this site) and you are meeting a new therapist. All these events will make most of us overwhelm or at least anxious or seriously depressed or under the weather so own it. They are your feelings rather than assigning them to her or put it on her that she is making you overwhelm. You came to her with feelings of already overwhelming. The easiest thing you can say to her is I want to go slow therapist Louise. I need to grief, assess the group dynamics, and learn first in my own pace and feel safe. I find the minute you throw the word safe in there, most therapist are trained to hear it loud that you are in control of your healing and can determine. Just say as kindly and peaceful as you can, without blame/judgement or projections, I want to go slow. If she brings up a topic, I appreciate that Therapist Louise, but I want to take it easy and feel safe first before I can go on.

I am suggesting the above things because of what you said further down in your post; which strike me odd especially your comment about "intense personality"? What does this mean for you? Are you afraid, intimidated, giving her or assigning her your power/locus of control? I felt that by saying that you meant all of sudden you are the mouse and she is the cat. I suggest you think a bit more about this and at least re-frame for yourself.

 

[Fadeaway]

So, I am trying to put this in the right terms which I find difficult. It isn't that her personality is a bad thing. I don't feel threatened by her. Even when she made me feel like I was obligated to stay when I wanted to leave I didn't feel afraid just overwhelmed to the point I was dissociating. She asked me to commit to staying another 15 minutes but then she talked for 1/2 hour so I ended up staying the whole time. Which is what she was going for. Is over stimulated a better word? She is very extroverted and I am an introvert who has been very isolated. I feel like I am in slow mode where every thing around me is moving to fast.

 

[joeylittle]

Even when she made me feel like I was obligated to stay when I wanted to leave I didn't feel afraid just overwhelmed to the point I was dissociating.

If you told her this in your next session, what do you imagine is the worst thing that could happen?

It’s hard to discuss things that are often hard to pin down, like ‘personality’. But sharing concrete examples of events that transpired and how you reacted to them can be a very productive way for both therapist and client to learn more about each other. This will help the therapist be more effective for you.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't know how to tell her I don't need help trying to reconcile what happens after death, I have ideas, I just strongly don't think it is possible to know for sure. I need help with grieving in a healthy manner so I can move on.

That seems pretty clear.

You are allowed to say no. It’s actually your responsibility to state no to things you do not want to do in therapy.

]Even when she made me feel like I was obligated to stay when I wanted to leave I didn't feel afraid just overwhelmed to the point I was dissociating.

You will get further if you focus on... when you... I felt... I would like... my just in words to her but generally. It’s a boundaries thing between you and her.

People do stuff. Then we have a response. They don’t make you or I feel this or that. She is her and you are you and you don’t have to do or feel whatever she wants and the more you can claim your space with her, the better.

The more direct you can be in your needs and the more you can now what you need the better she can help. Even if it’s not understood at first. It gets easier. The

She asked me to commit to staying another 15 minutes but then she talked for 1/2 hour so I ended up staying the whole time. Which is what she was going for. Is over stimulated a better word? She is very extroverted and I am an introvert who has been very isolated. I feel like I am in slow mode where every thing around me is moving to fast.

You can state at the beginning, please help me leave right on time today, I can’t stay after the time.

 

[mamachick]

I agree with Justmehere about owning the feelings. Others don't make us feel anything. It may seem small but language does count for a lot when communicating and with practice it can be very empowering too.

I have read many posts where poster is worried about being honest with therapist. The truth is, not only are you doing yourself a favor, you are also doing the T a favor as well. Therapists need feedback to know if they are effective or not. They are not mind readers and they make mistakes as much as any profession. The feedback can help to guide them to meet you where you are at, and may help them change direction.

Just as you said, you don't feel that your grief is related to what happens after death, when my mother died I had horrible anxiety. I did not have horrible grief because she never played the mother role in our relationship and we were not very close. However, in short, I discovered that the anxiety (was not grief) but was about both parents being deceased and knowing my generation is next to go and still having children to raise.

 

[Fadeaway]

You are right about wording. I shouldn't have said she made me feel obligated. She told me to stay and was trying to coach me through sitting though uncomfortable feelings and I have difficulty speaking up in those situations. I was trying to interject but couldn't do it very well.

She is different than any therapist I have had before. I think it's this area though. People are louder here than in places I have lived before and are very out spoken, less of a filter with strangers.