How Do I Help My Girlfriend?

[Concerned Boyfriend]

She suffered from a past boyfriend what amounts to inappropriate physical intimacy on many levels. I don't know all the details but it seems to be the guy engaged in inappropriate hugging, with him seeking after his own desires but no rape was actually done. She currently feels that according to her, her virginity/eternity was stolen from her. The guy was simply dumb, stupid, and to some extent not understanding social behavior. The reality in the situation is that while she was wronged by what happened, and what happened afterwards by what other people were saying to her like "oh its nothing" and dismissing her feelings/

the guy himself is growing in his understanding of social behavior and is doing better. He's not perfect... in fact he's kinda socially ackward in a major way. But I can vouch at least right now, I do not get the sense that his heart is in the wrong place.

Upon her thinking about what happened, and talking with me, (because I was the only one who took her feelings seriously) I noticed several troubling trends. As a Christian, and she is too, running away from sin is essential. However, this whole situation caused her to run towards sin in thought, word, and deed. I managed to help her see that her behavior was pushing people away and not helping but to a certain extent its becoming overwhelming. I think she understands how she was pushing away people now.... but I need advice as to how to treat her in the future with regards to her past and stuff.

I think what underlies alot is a difficulty in trusting.

<Posts merged by Amethist>

 

[BloomInWinter]

The guy was simply dumb, stupid, and to some extent not understanding social behavior. The reality in the situation is that while she was wronged by what happened, and what happened afterwards by what other people were saying to her like "oh its nothing" and dismissing her feelings/
I do not get the sense that his heart is in the wrong place.<Posts merged by Amethist>

Hi Concerned Boyfriend.

Welcome to the forum.

This is just my opinion...and if none of it applies, feel free to discard. But you did ask.

It's nice that you seem to want to fix what you seem to be indicating is a 'misperception' by her.

Which, I wish to gently point out, is exactly the opposite of being supportive and validating. You do say you're the only one who took her feelings seriously, but many of your words are minimizing of her feelings and perception of the event.

It is not for you to explain YOUR perception of the abuser's motives, behaviors, and now that he's been identified, the status of his generally good nature. None of that is helpful nor healing.

You say 'do not get the sense'...huh.

So what?

You're not her. You have no idea what really happened. You have what they both told you so far. ...and you seem to heap judgement upon her far more than him. Why is that?

You asked for help in knowing how to treat her. My suggestion?

Believe her!!! Believe her version of events as being exactly as she describes them. Know that likely, there is MUCH more to the story than you will receive from either her or the abuser. Give her the FULL benefit of the doubt, with NO qualifications, judgments, explanations, or 'shoulds' (she 'should'....)

Try that.

Maybe she'll feel like you're more trustworthy then. Why trust someone who minimizes an abuser's actions?

I'm sure you're a lovely person. But by what you've posted here, I'd tell her to RUN the other way from someone like you as you are and find someone who won't make excuses for her abuser's behavior, and be ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT QUESTION TOTALLY ON HER SIDE. She deserves that.

Hope it works out for all of you. I'm sorry for your pain.

I hope she finds her way to this forum as well. Sounds like she could use it, too.

In peace,
Bloom

 

[BigBear]

OK,

For one thing, if she's got PTSD, she's got to help herself. You can't do it for her and you can't make her either. Another is that there are numerous serious issues that are easily mistaken for PTSD and the treatments are not that similar. There are 2 things that you could best do to help her. Encourage her to see a professional Psychiatrist (encourage, do not do something stupid like try to force her), and get diagnosed. And work with 1 your self to see what you should actually be doing...

I'm assuming that you actually care for her. Caring means putting your needs second and putting in real effort for the other person.

I hope for the best for you both,

Bear

 

[Concerned Boyfriend]

For one thing, if she's got PTSD, she's got to help herself. You can't do it for her and you can't make her either. Another is that there are numerous serious issues that are easily mistaken for PTSD and the treatments are not that similar. There are 2 things that you could best do to help her. Encourage her to see a professional Psychiatrist (encourage, do not do something stupid like try to force her), and get diagnosed. And work with 1 your self to see what you should actually be doing...

I'm assuming that you actually care for her. Caring means putting your needs second and putting in real effort for the other person.

Thanks for assuming that I wasn't actually harming her.

<edited Nicolette: no need to quote entire post>

 

[Nicolette]

I have removed a few posts here being the initial provoking one from Tabula-Rasa and the related responses.

Please be sure to differentiate between opinions and assumptions and thoughts and attacks.

Thanks for assuming that I wasn't actually harming her.

I would suggest you ask BigBear to clarify as I actually don't think he meant you were harming her from what I know of him and am tempted to believe your reaction may have been inflated due to the removed posts.