Hello,
I'm new here, so I hope I'm posting in the correct thread. And also, I apologize that this is long, and if it is not appropriate - moderators, please feel free to take it down. I was sexually assaulted by a "friend" of 4 years this past June. June 3, to be exact. It happened in my apartment. I managed to fight off the rape itself, but I got beat up pretty well in the process. He's a blackbelt in 3 different martial arts (I met him through my martial arts class, which I've not been back to since). I only escaped because (a) I do have years of training, (b) he was intoxicated on something that I think was more than alcohol, (c) I was fighting for my life, and (d) I ultimately chased him off at gunpoint with every intention of pulling the trigger. I called 911, but the legal system completely effed me over, and the lawyer from the rape crisis center apologetically yet professionally told me that I had no case. I just had to let it go. And clearly, he knows where I live.
I immediately called my best friend on earth, a Marine who I know absolutely would have hunted this guy down, even if I begged him not to. He had PTSD from his tour in Afghanistan. Come to find out, he took his own life at almost the exact same time I was being assaulted (down to the hour). Double whammy there.
I started therapy. I have diagnoses of PTSD, major depression, anxiety, and chronic insomnia. I have recently started a new relationship with a very, very kind man. He has been up-front with me that he has diagnoses of high-functioning autism (formerly known as Asperger's), ADHD, and anxiety. He's in therapy and sees a psychiatrist. I'm not one to judge, given that (a) I'm clearly not a pile of normal, and (b) I was a therapist for 10 years before transitioning to neuroscience. One really wouldn't know he even had the diagnoses without knowing him well or interacting with him a great deal. But I do understand that this will affect his ability to understand the emotions of others.
He just moved to a new house. I've spent two nights there. My own apartment is on the second floor, and even though the assault happened here, I've gradually felt safe here again. I'm a gun aficionado and have guns all over the place, but I don't put a chair in front of the door anymore. It's on the second floor, so unless someone wanted to rappel up onto my balcony, I'm safe here.
Last night I was at his house, and I woke up with a start. I could've sworn I heard a door slam out in the living room. He said it was just the dog laying down. It probably was; my therapist told me that waking up with a start thinking that one had heard a loud noise is not uncommon with PTSD. But he is tolerant of the fact that I cannot sleep without a gun next to the bed - until I picked it up. He snapped at me that it was just the dog and to put the gun down. He told me the only other living thing in the house was his dog, and he didn't want me to shoot his dog. Dude, his dog isn't more than 2 feet tall. I have a concealed carry permit and over 12 years of range training. I know the difference between a dog and a human. But he demanded that I put down the one thing that was helping me feel safe. All I could think was, "Well f***. I don't know where my knife is. I should know that. It's irresponsible of me not to know that. Now I'm completely unarmed." He was irritated because he had to get up early for work, and condescendingly went through a few rooms saying, "See? Nothing in here. See? Nothing in here." Like a dad assuring his 3-year-old that there were no monsters under the bed or in the closet. He asked me to lay back down and didn't understand how distressed I was until he felt me shaking all over, breathing fast, and tears falling down my cheeks. He tried to comfort me by snuggling up to me - which entailed being tangled in his massive comforter, held down by a large man's arms (he would never hurt me, but I couldn't get up easily, and a prone position is one of the worst positions to start a self-defense situation, and plus now I had my back to the door). NOT HELPING. I finally told him I was more comfortable sitting up, and I could see my gun because it has glowing Tritium night sights on it, but I wasn't allowed to hold it because it was his house and his rules. So I just sat there mentally rehearsing and re-rehearsing how quickly and efficiently I could pick it up and it and get it on target in time.
This is a PTSD website. We all know that intellectually, I could spend all day telling myself I was safe, but my sympathetic nervous system was off the charts, and I don't know how to turn that off. I couldn't. I was just straight-up terrified. I tried deep breathing. I tried telling myself everything was fine (we all know how well that works). Finally his alarm went off (only maybe 20 minutes later). We spent some time talking about it this morning. He doesn't understand. He had a terrible childhood, and was abused. So he wonders why I am dealing with this when he isn't? I don't know. Maybe because this happened to me less than a year ago and he's 47. Maybe because this was the 2nd time I've been assaulted. I don't know. Everyone's physiology reacts differently. He really wants to help. I just don't know what to tell him. I'm making an appointment with my therapist for this week, but I thought it would be helpful to talk to others who may have been in similar situations, who can empathize, and maybe provide some helpful hints or advice.
I'm sorry this was so long. I didn't know any other way to explain it. Thank you to anyone who can help.
I'm new here, so I hope I'm posting in the correct thread. And also, I apologize that this is long, and if it is not appropriate - moderators, please feel free to take it down. I was sexually assaulted by a "friend" of 4 years this past June. June 3, to be exact. It happened in my apartment. I managed to fight off the rape itself, but I got beat up pretty well in the process. He's a blackbelt in 3 different martial arts (I met him through my martial arts class, which I've not been back to since). I only escaped because (a) I do have years of training, (b) he was intoxicated on something that I think was more than alcohol, (c) I was fighting for my life, and (d) I ultimately chased him off at gunpoint with every intention of pulling the trigger. I called 911, but the legal system completely effed me over, and the lawyer from the rape crisis center apologetically yet professionally told me that I had no case. I just had to let it go. And clearly, he knows where I live.
I immediately called my best friend on earth, a Marine who I know absolutely would have hunted this guy down, even if I begged him not to. He had PTSD from his tour in Afghanistan. Come to find out, he took his own life at almost the exact same time I was being assaulted (down to the hour). Double whammy there.
I started therapy. I have diagnoses of PTSD, major depression, anxiety, and chronic insomnia. I have recently started a new relationship with a very, very kind man. He has been up-front with me that he has diagnoses of high-functioning autism (formerly known as Asperger's), ADHD, and anxiety. He's in therapy and sees a psychiatrist. I'm not one to judge, given that (a) I'm clearly not a pile of normal, and (b) I was a therapist for 10 years before transitioning to neuroscience. One really wouldn't know he even had the diagnoses without knowing him well or interacting with him a great deal. But I do understand that this will affect his ability to understand the emotions of others.
He just moved to a new house. I've spent two nights there. My own apartment is on the second floor, and even though the assault happened here, I've gradually felt safe here again. I'm a gun aficionado and have guns all over the place, but I don't put a chair in front of the door anymore. It's on the second floor, so unless someone wanted to rappel up onto my balcony, I'm safe here.
Last night I was at his house, and I woke up with a start. I could've sworn I heard a door slam out in the living room. He said it was just the dog laying down. It probably was; my therapist told me that waking up with a start thinking that one had heard a loud noise is not uncommon with PTSD. But he is tolerant of the fact that I cannot sleep without a gun next to the bed - until I picked it up. He snapped at me that it was just the dog and to put the gun down. He told me the only other living thing in the house was his dog, and he didn't want me to shoot his dog. Dude, his dog isn't more than 2 feet tall. I have a concealed carry permit and over 12 years of range training. I know the difference between a dog and a human. But he demanded that I put down the one thing that was helping me feel safe. All I could think was, "Well f***. I don't know where my knife is. I should know that. It's irresponsible of me not to know that. Now I'm completely unarmed." He was irritated because he had to get up early for work, and condescendingly went through a few rooms saying, "See? Nothing in here. See? Nothing in here." Like a dad assuring his 3-year-old that there were no monsters under the bed or in the closet. He asked me to lay back down and didn't understand how distressed I was until he felt me shaking all over, breathing fast, and tears falling down my cheeks. He tried to comfort me by snuggling up to me - which entailed being tangled in his massive comforter, held down by a large man's arms (he would never hurt me, but I couldn't get up easily, and a prone position is one of the worst positions to start a self-defense situation, and plus now I had my back to the door). NOT HELPING. I finally told him I was more comfortable sitting up, and I could see my gun because it has glowing Tritium night sights on it, but I wasn't allowed to hold it because it was his house and his rules. So I just sat there mentally rehearsing and re-rehearsing how quickly and efficiently I could pick it up and it and get it on target in time.
This is a PTSD website. We all know that intellectually, I could spend all day telling myself I was safe, but my sympathetic nervous system was off the charts, and I don't know how to turn that off. I couldn't. I was just straight-up terrified. I tried deep breathing. I tried telling myself everything was fine (we all know how well that works). Finally his alarm went off (only maybe 20 minutes later). We spent some time talking about it this morning. He doesn't understand. He had a terrible childhood, and was abused. So he wonders why I am dealing with this when he isn't? I don't know. Maybe because this happened to me less than a year ago and he's 47. Maybe because this was the 2nd time I've been assaulted. I don't know. Everyone's physiology reacts differently. He really wants to help. I just don't know what to tell him. I'm making an appointment with my therapist for this week, but I thought it would be helpful to talk to others who may have been in similar situations, who can empathize, and maybe provide some helpful hints or advice.
I'm sorry this was so long. I didn't know any other way to explain it. Thank you to anyone who can help.
Last edited:
