General How Do I Overcome This Feeling Of Regret?

[sphilip83]

i dont know where to begin...my parents are from india and i was born and brought up here in the states...although i dont have an emotional or patriotic attachment to india, its a nice place just nothin that concerns me...my parents have always been avid india lovers imposing the culture on me...which is great i loved the dances and the food and clothes...

i think my problems began when i finished high school my parents forced me to go to college in india...whereas i wanted to be a doctor or lawyer...i didnt want to go and tried ways to get out of it...i even contemplated swimmin from chennai back to california...i struggled in every aspect...health, socially, educationally, emotionally. i didnt pass a single class and that too brought me down....my last year i got diagnosed with gilberts syndrome which affects the liver i was so sick i baffled the doctors that i was still alive...i was yellow, and the highest reading for billi is 50 mine was at 500. my dad was there and so was his family nobody helped me...honestly it was through faith that im still here...i came back home only to discover that all this was my fault...how? i knew what i wanted to do and i couldnt...i tried i really did..but the first month i was there i was in the hospital more that i was in class...diagnosed with eradicated diseases like typhoid, i suffered. but somehow i came back i thought my parents are doing this for me to be successful so try ur best...i failed...1 i didnt want to be there 2. who goes to india to learn comp sci 3 i was forced to go without any support but threats....my parents wanted me to find a guy from there an get married...how selfish....after i came back theyve just been blaming me and blaming me...comparing me to other kids...

i dunno why i failed but i know that if i can go to college here and pass then the issue wasnt me...they talk to me stupid, although im 26 they are my parents and i love them...i dont know why they tell me the things they do like we dont love u...u need to move out...we need ur room to store furniture and giving me time limits on everything...like i have to complete the cpa by this year or nobody is going to marry me...what a stupid reason...they dont ever tell me they are happy with me they constantly critisize me and i dont want that relationship with them...i work and go to school and i dont have time to really do anything...my mom instead of sayin i know ure busy but try to help a little around the house, ok mom ill try and i know ive been so busy, instead she says ur room is terrible even homeless people arent like this..how would u feel to hear that after coming from work and school? it hurts and i hate the person ive become and i dont know how to overcome the feelin of regret, resentment and anger....

i really want a good relationship with them but how if they refuse to understand anything about me or what im doing? i just cant figure out what i did wrong to them for them to do this...ive tried and they refused to let me succeed unless its their way, ive noticed that if i do what they want they treat me nice otherwise i should eat other peoples feces according to them...now that im tryin to make something of myself rather than getting married they cant stand it...im scared to go home sometimes and i cant afford to move out right now....i have a slipped disc and sciatica from the stress...doctors cant understand that either...im constantly depressed on the inside but i cover it up with a sense of humor on the outside...help...

 

[Mahtalat]

I don't know how you can overcome the feeling of regret. When I was younger my parents put me through hell, and I became very sad and angry. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong, perhaps I was just not meant to be born. And that I was this horrible burden. They treated me no better than a servant when I was younger after moving back with them. I was told once "God made a mistake when he put you on this earth." and for a long time I really believed this because I already felt it...when I was 'good' they said how proud they were of me, and when I didn't live up to what they wanted, or they accused me of things I didn't do I had better keep my head down and low.

In the end I began to express my anger towards them (as dangerous as this was). I shut them out, and eventually I began to 'disappear'. I began to rebel and do things that ended me up in 'mental hospitals', 'near group homes', and even kicked out for a short time. This apathy and 'mental breakdown' response generally made them frightened and hurt me more even when they tried to be supportive. They in turn became more frustrated with me, when I did not respond to their 'tough love'.

(In my case my parents were divorced, and much later for a more permanent situation I got the opportunity to leave by being taken in by a relative half way across the country) And when I left (I was 16 when I left permanently, for the rest of my life) I rarely contacted them except when I had no choice to return.

In my case though because my parents have worked a lot on themselves to be better to me in that aspect, and where once I felt animosity towards them, now I feel proud of them, and love them as well as respect their efforts in trying to be parents today. Though I will never live with either of them again, we have all gone through a lot of healing and are still working on it today (in separate places).

In your case I can't recommend anything to you. I can only say that maybe you really need to get away from the source. And then begin the healing process and reconciling that you can not be their expectations, and that you are a great and wonderful person, and to surround yourself with people who see this.