Sufferer How do i talk about what happened?

[purplebear13]

Hey,
I'm Abby. I was sexually abused by my neighbor. It started when I was 6 and stopped when I was 12 because I told someone. I've never been able to talk about the abuse, and I'm not sure why. Nothing ever got reported, and now he's going on to be a teacher, which is a really scary thought. My flashbacks/body memories have been happening more and more often recently, and I had a nightmare about it last night (I haven't had a nightmare in almost a year). I'm in therapy, but whenever I try to talk about it, I feel really stupid, dirty, and disgusting. I get so embarrassed about it all, even though I know it wasn't my fault. I know that I need to talk about it because it won't get better on it's own, but I'm stuck and just can't. Please help!

 

[flowerapple]

I'm sorry that happened to you.

I don't think you have to talk about it if you don't feel comfortable doing so. My therapist told me that I don't have to tell her what happened, and even if I choose to, I can tell her as much or as little details as I feel comfortable doing. It's isn't something easy to talk about and it isn't fun either. You don't have to talk about the details itself, you can talk about how it makes you feel now and how it made you feel then, talk about how it affects you because that is what matters and that is what you want to fix. Don't try to force it and do too much if you aren't ready yet because that can traumatize you more and that is no good.

If you feel you need to though and feel you are ready but you just can't start it, try writing it down and emailing or giving it to your therapist. they would know where to go from there, as well as then you can talk about what you want to talk about without having to say the details because you did that part already. Or you can just go in and say it. Just breathe and then say it like you're ripping off a bandaid and if it gets too tough then just stop because there is no rush and it isn't something you can or should try to rush. Personally, I prefer ripping of the bandaid because once I say it, it is out there and she knows it and it's no longer this burden I have to carry, but I only say what I can and feel comfortable doing because I tried forcing it once and I was triggered and it wasn't that great to say the least. Plus once I said it I felt good, though nor immediately, because I didn't have to worry about saying it the next time I showed up because it normally took a couple sessions with me waiting in the waiting room, normally 5 or 6, before I actually built up the courage to tell her. So if you plan on doing it and you change your mind last minute don't worry because it will happen when it is time.

Good luck on whatever you choose to do.

 

[littleoc]

I don’t remember the entire process (someone who will comment later may remember all of it), but the amygdala in your brain is blocked somehow as a result of trauma, making it difficult to talk about trauma at all.

I have selective mutism as a result of trauma, which is basically the same thing but slightly more exaggerated (can’t talk at all during certain high stress moments, for example, even when it isn’t related to trauma).

But what you’re going through is not rare. Try to be patient with yourself, okay?

Welcome :)

 

[WillyKat]

@Abby4015,
Our stories are similar. I was raped by my neighbor when I was six. He was about 14 I reckon. To the best of my memory, it didn't happen again, but I can't be certain of that. He did terrorize me daily. We rode the same bus back and forth to school. That lasted three years until we moved away.

I also don't remember what I told my mother. There were obvious signs that things were not right with me. But I was too little and couldn't put it into words. So the upshot is that no one knew, until I was 21, recovered enough memory and told someone.

I tell you this to convey the idea that you're not alone. The second thing is to not rush this and try to find comfort in the idea that these things can take an agonizing amount of time. Be kind to yourself and think in terms of small goals. You'll get there and you'll find your voice.

 

[KwanYingirl]

All I’d like to add to the thread is to consider carefully if your t suggests using a workbook for PTSD. I just couldn’t write about my traumas to this day I have several workbooks and I find them too triggering. Now I can talk about my traumas without dissociating. But I get to lead with what we discuss in therapy. Be kind to yourself. It doesn’t have to be told unless you want to. We suffer shame when we talk about rape. It wasn’t your fault, you have no shame.
I used to call the sexual abuse crisis line. That helped because the women I talked to were strangers and the anonymity was helpful. This may tip your toe in the muddy waters.

 

[Mach123]

IDK the first time I talked about it it didn't work. Well, before that I had therapists tell me it was nothing, that boys did that type of thing and it was natural. This silenced me again. I was in my 20's, shell-shocked like you read about. Then in my forties, it sort of came into my mind that I had been sexually abused. I tried again. Saw a couple therapists, paid out of pocket for EMDR (i think) and was told OK, you should be all set. I don't think I said much, I didn't know really what I was supposed to do. So I went on my way getting continually worse. Finally, I was in so much pain I went back on drugs. First couple years were great. The relief was so overpowering, I'd been suffering so long. Then the usual happened. I hate to even remember it. Vicoden, Tramadol, Soma, Adderall, Valium, then the psych meds. For bi-polar, for sleep, then Klonopin. Needless to say, I nearly died, several times. Then we got into trauma therapy. Someone finally told me I had trauma. Trauma from CSA. Then I started to try and talk about it. That was five or six years ago and four or five therapists. I feel bad for people, it's really really hard to "get help." I don't think just "telling someone" does anything. You have to process the whole fu*king mess. The whole thing, what you were like and how it messed you up and how you behaved and the chronic behaviors and yada yada. So, yeah. How do you talk about it? You're lucky you even got to the place you could ask. I feel so many of us don't survive and no one ever knows what we die from. We die because we couldn't tell anyone. I know this is dramatic, I do this every once in awhile in response to a post. I must like it I guess but, it is real. I wish you well. I hope your journey is easier than mine.

 

[EveHarrington]

I am not trying to blow you off, but considering how devastating the outcome can be of you letting the trauma out in the wrong way, I highly suggest you work through this issue with your therapist as she will know the nuances of your exact situation. I don’t advise taking advice from those on the internet because if your Pandora’s box explodes, you could destabilize, and then all bets are off as to what could happen to you.