How do you build a sense of self-worth?

[ninja]

How do you develop an internal and relatively stable sense of self-worth?
I seem to walk around with a sense of worthlessness that is activated whenever don’t do as well as I’d like to. Be it grades, art, work, relationships. I can’t keep basing my worth on external ‘things’. It’s gradually driving me insane.

I can respond to the feeling with compassion and understanding. I can try to be rational about it, but I haven’t found anything that gets rid of the shame and worthlessness. I’m beginning to lose hope that it will ever really go away.

I’m mostly looking to hear other perspectives and open a dialogue. What has worked, what hasn’t, how do you handle this.. that kind of thing.

Thank you.

 

[Friday]

1. By knowing what I value.
2. By living it / doing the things I value.

When I haven’t got one, the other, or both? I’m f*cked.

 

[ninja]

@Friday what if the shame / worthlessness stops you from living / doing the things you value? Do you just find a way to push through it?
Thank you.

 

[Friday]

@Friday what if the shame / worthlessness stops you from living / doing the things you value? Do you just find a way to push through it?

Nope. Like I said... if I’m missing either aspect? Knowing what I value, or the ability to act? I’m f*cked. Read: Years spent homeless, jobless, nonfunctional or barely functional. Not based solely/purely on that, rather it’s just one more domino that falls when I get really symptomatic. Or when I’m sick/injured for too long.

I went into a bit more detail about that here >>> How do you build/find self worth?

 

[Rainman8772]

I agree with Friday completely. Find what you value. I value my dog and being outside fishing or walking in the woods or shooting. That’s how I de-stress. If I don’t get to because of weather or health I spiral downhill. You have to find time to enjoy something and baby steps all day on whatever task you have to do. Think about too much your cup gets too full. It is a battle every single day.

 

[mumstheword]

Keep acknowledging yourself. The efforts you make, how authentic you are, courage you pull out, just showing up for yourself and those you show up for.

Be fair to yourself, you have intrinsic value.
And strengths and gifts that are part of who you are, you just have to acknowledge them, be a friend to yourself @ninja.

If and when you experience the shame? Acknowledge where it comes from. Observe it, without judgement, just acknowledge it, it's part of this shitey territory. It's shadow stuff. Everyone has shadow stuff.

It's part of this injury, soul injury. You wouldn't judge someone with a broken leg, or any physical injury, so why judge yourself for soul/emotional injury?
It's healing. It takes time. And self compassion. And patience with one's self. And focusing on your strengths and achievements, no matter how big or small they are.

And every time you acknowledge your shadow stuff? That takes courage. It's strengthening. And you are doing that. So acknowledge. Practise kindness. To yourself. Life is tough enough, without being overly tough on ourselves.

But maybe I'm wrong.

You are a very bright, deep, wise young women. You will find your own way. What works for you. You can, and will, discern for yourself, but just be a little gracious with yourself, please. You deserve it.

I am telling myself all this stuff, too, because I struggle with the same stuff. I think you are amazing and I want you to feel that.

 

[grit]

I use any experience that I struggled and succeeded as a baseline for y value and worth....and when I fail at something I have memory f what succeeded.

 

[ninja]

Thanks @Friday
I'm glad you were able to eventually make your way out and find what works for you. :)

@Rainman8772 Thank you. I often forget about the baby-steps thing, and doing things for their sheer enjoyment. Holding out hope that there is a time where it's not such a battle each day. Definitely get it.

 

[ninja]

@mumstheword thank you. For putting so much thought and kindness into your reply.

Somewhere along the way I switched from celebrating strengths and achievements to feeling ashamed that I ever celebrated what sometimes felt like such trivial accomplishments. This hadn't occurred to me until you mentioned it....

I don't think you're wrong. All being overly hard on myself has ever done is create more frozenness. Less compassion and kindness for everyone. Less openness. Less vulnerability and courage. Less room for growth.
These are all core values for me because I personally want to be soft in a tough world. Hmm.. I'm beginning to see "what's happening".

Ok, putting away the judgment hat. Will practice patience and openness... so that what works actually has a chance of being tried.

Bookmarking your response.
You, too, deserve to see and feel your intrinsic worth.
We'll get there.

@grit thank you. Can I ask how you decide where to place the bar for success / failure?

 

[Ronin]

Other thing coming to mind...

Mind where is you-ness, sense of purpose, things you feel very alive & you and right doing and so on - in the ordinary daily activities.

It can help bridge the despair of not doing Enough, not being needed, not belonging or being like an old you, and so forth.

As in even zen aside, there IS a lot of meaning and mattering in saving bugs, if you're a Save Something type, informing people of regulations and policies and laws casually if you're a been-a-cop once, making traffic flow smoother by driving well and signaling properly if you're a once-been-a pro driver, taking care of kids with simple coughs if you're a once been a doctor, and the like.

Needing to kick back to own A game or up your game to the best of current time's possibilities?

Jumps off well of the small things, and proper credit to them and valuing them.

 

[The Albatross]

29 Ways to Increase Your Feeling of Self Worth

 

[Wonder Woman]

29 Ways to Increase Your Feeling of Self Worth

There are lots of great suggestions on that list. Thank you for sharing it, The Albatross. ☺

I would suggest picking only one or two to start. Otherwise, it could become overwhelming and be counter-productive.

Great thread, ninja!