How do you build/find self worth?

[Friday]

And if you can´t do that, then look for what traits you admire in others.

Not just others (although that’s a HUGE trick! :tup: Noticing what you admire in others, and bring more of that into your own life // both in practicing what you want to learn to be, as well as associating with others who exhibit traits you place a high value in)... or yourself... but I was mostly speaking about looking at what you value in life in general / as a whole. Rather than just one facet.

For example, if you value nature, or academics, or museums, or physical prowess, or spontaneity? You think those are profoundly worthwhile things / traits / endeavors? But don’t spend time outside, or learning, or in the Arts, or using your own body (or watching others use theirs, Hey sports fans! It’s a thing, or so I’m told ;)), or acting on a whim/in the moment ? “Here’s something I view as important,.. that I do nothing about, that is not in my life, that moreover is indistinguishable from the things I don’t care about, or even despise.” will wear away at most people’s self worth over time.

Putting time and energy, word and deed, into the things one values? Into what’s meaningful to them? Actively pursuing, being a part of what one values... Builds a person up. Puts your money where your mouth is

________ is really important to me.
I really value __________.

Oh yeah? Prove it :sneaky:

That’s the fun part.

The hard part is usually determining what one actually values.

And not being put off by seemingly inconsistent or opposite mores. Like being a person who both demands rigorous honesty and delights in mischevious lies? Might seem impossible, but Scientist by day, community theatre by night, voila. Or a thousand other variations.

Becoming the person one wants to be, determining the content of your own character? To misquote a bit... some are born with it, or have it thrust upon them, whilst others achieve it. One may not have always been this way, or stumbled into it by accident/handed it on a silver platter, but one can decide to become it.

Decide what you value, bring it into your life. On every level. Seek it out.

 

[Pt1203]

I have been able to build self-worth in a way, but deep down I still hate myself. I can look at my accomplishments and good qualities and be proud of them and actually feel like I am worth something, but this only works in a sort of a superficial level. Deep down I still hate myself, but normally I do not connect much with the deepest level of my emotions, so the low self-worth and actual self-hatred nowadays don't dictate how I feel most of the time or behave. I would suggest trying to find positive things about yourself and maybe like trying new things and trying to do some things you are or were good at, with an open mind. Whats often done in CBT is trying to create new positive experiences. Like now that I'm able to do programming effectively (something I hadn't been able to do in years) and work in the industry (even though its an internship at the moment) my self-worth has skyrocketed. Of course this is only superficial, since the feeling of self-worth should not be tied to accomplishments and functioning, but this is still a huge improvement in my case.

One thing that came to my mind also is behavior. You can also go the other way around and influence your thoughts and emotions through your behavior. Like when I stopped doing drinking (I'm an alcoholic) and engaging in other self-destructive behaviors, I think that was what started a positive trend also in this area.

When it comes to building a healthy feeling of self-worth in the deepest level, that's something I would also like to know how to do. In my case I have a feeling that the self-hatred is actually a sort of a defense mechanism, when I blame myself for everything, in my case it also creates a feeling that I shouldn't feel the emotions related to the trauma, and what it especially is its function I think, is to prevent feelings of hate towards the perpetrators from surfacing, which made it possible for me to not to resist when the abuse was occurring (since that would have only made things worse).

And also working with the inner child might not be a bad idea.

I am new to this group but i share your struggles on many levels. Having hard time finding a therapist to help me work on me.

 

[willhealeventually]

You are fortunate to feel and enjoy your inner child.
I see mine and can’t stand seeing her. I hate her just like she was hated. I hate that I froze at the age she was abused. I am digusted by her.
I can’t get past it and Ive tried. I wish it were different.
I used to pray to be completely erased from existence. I still wish it only now I have kids depending on me. When they don’t need me anymore, maybe I can be granted that gift or I’ll also accept release from my pain.

 

[PreciousChild]

I appreciate people's comments about focusing on what one values and acting on them. I think that when you're abused as a child, you don't get to have your needs and values expressed, and my experience has been that I continued to suppress them in adulthood because they were problematic for my parents in the past, and I developed censors against my own needs and values. So being deliberate about developing them and devoting energy into them seems like a good cure. I also appreciate people's comments about deriving value from the outside and other people. My upbringing left me completely devoid of social skills - expressing empathy, having a conversation, you name it. It made such a huge difference in my life to learn these skills, and instead of getting feedback that continued to feed into my sense of worthlessness, people started to respond positively to me and helped me realize that I had a lot of say in how people responded to me.

But I don't think any of these things touched the core of my sense of self. I don't think I could truly build up my sense of self until internally, I started to embrace the parts of myself that I hated. I definitely understand Eve in her identification with her inner child and the innocence and spontaneity it has. I channel my inner child to connect with a primordial sense of joy and mischief (I was very mischievous) but also a primordial sense of wanting love, belonging, etc. She still feels the ache for it, so she guides me as to what to search for in the world. But it's easy to love the adorable stuff. What I found hard was to embrace the parts of myself that my psyche recoiled at. I learned that when we bury our true needs as children to survive, we do that by condemning those parts as what was unloveable and bad, and what got us into trouble with our parents. So the really authentic parts of ourselves are often banished and shamed. In this case, no matter how adept we get at building value, it will always feel like we're faking it. It's like polishing a shiny jewel for everyone to look at but only to direct attention away from the shit pile of the person we truly believe lies within. When I allowed the unloveable parts to surface, I visually saw her as literally beaten up, bruised, pale from the lack of sunlight and completely disgusting. But I hugged her hard and never stopped. It took me a long while to "integrate" her, but I didn't give up. After months and months of feeling like my head was a raw, open wound. My internal censors were on emergency mode, and there was a heightened sense of alarm. I gradually started to feel better, and I am so much the better for refusing to bury the "ugly" parts.

 

[willhealeventually]

I learned that when we bury our true needs as children to survive, we do that by condemning those parts as what was unloveable and bad, and what got us into trouble with our parents. ... When I allowed the unloveable parts to surface, I visually saw her as literally beaten up, bruised, pale from the lack of sunlight and completely disgusting.

I completely relate to this feeling disgusted by the small me. I don’t like the phrase “inner child” for some reason - I find that repulsive/triggering too. I am not at the point where I can take “her” in as you have.

 

[PreciousChild]

I completely relate to this feeling disgusted by the small me. I don’t like the phrase “inner child” for some reason - I find that repulsive/triggering too. I am not at the point where I can take “her” in as you have.

That's good to understand where you are. I had been in therapy for years and have overcome lots of stuff like depersonalization and depression, and was in a place that I could "take her in". In high school, I couldn't even stand to look at a reflection of myself, and the reaction of disgust was so automatic that there was just not even enough distance to be able to even take a second look. I wish you the best in your journey.

 

[willhealeventually]

Thank you - I hope to get to a pount where I can differentiate what happened to me from me

 

[grit]

Create something. Could be anything art or story or taking care of someone or doing a great thing at your work. Do something concrete that is yours alone. Could be a long bike ride on a beautiful day or similar...Do something. It is not just in the mind.

 

[Spacefish]

I completely relate to this feeling disgusted by the small me. I don’t like the phrase “inner child” for some reason - I find that repulsive/triggering too. I am not at the point where I can take “her” in as you have.

So do I. I've always completely rejected the concept, it brings up huge destructive anger and hurt - of wanting to self harm. I'd like to say I feel bad about that, but I don't. I'm not even at the point of wanting to consider taking "it" onboard.

 

[PreciousChild]

So do I. I've always completely rejected the concept, it brings up huge destructive anger and hurt - of wanting to self harm. I'd like to say I feel bad about that, but I don't. I'm not even at the point of wanting to consider taking "it" onboard.

The books I've read say that rejecting the "unacceptable" parts of yourself was a way of protecting you from attracting bad attention from your parents and keeping you alive. But once you grow up and you no longer need to suppress yourself to appease the parents, those efforts do more harm than good, so they're maladapted. Plus, they might say that the anger that you felt about your parents get redirected to yourself because when you're a child, you need your parents to survive. That kind of anger is hard to unpack. Best wishes.

 

[Spacefish]

The books I've read say that rejecting the "unacceptable" parts of yourself was a way of protecting you from attracting bad attention from your parents and keeping you alive. But once you grow up and you no longer need to suppress yourself to appease the parents, those efforts do more harm than good, so they're maladapted. Plus, they might say that the anger that you felt about your parents get redirected to yourself because when you're a child, you need your parents to survive. That kind of anger is hard to unpack. Best wishes.

That makes sense, I guess I can swap out parents for abuser/s? I don't recall anything particularly bad about my parents except they probably weren't around as much as they could have been ... but do have early sexual abuse, including from siblings/relatives. I remember being a "hider" ... I was a nice little angel and when I could I slipped away and hid.

And yep the anger, I had that hidden away in a box in a cupboard for years as it was the only way I could get through some of the layers and still stay intact and relatively functional. But after really bad traumatic therapy (recent) where everything got jumbled about, that box and cupboard door were opened and every day now is a struggle to survive.

 

[willhealeventually]

That makes sense, I guess I can swap out parents for abuser/s? I don't recall anything particularly bad about my parents except they probably weren't around as much as they could have been ... but do have early sexual abuse, including from siblings/relatives. I remember being a "hider" ... I was a nice little angel and when I could I slipped away and hid.

And yep the anger, I had that hidden away in a box in a cupboard for years as it was the only way I could get through some of the layers and still stay intact and relatively functional. But after really bad traumatic therapy (recent) where everything got jumbled about, that box and cupboard door were opened and every day now is a struggle to survive.

@Spacefish I noticed you are new here - welcome! If I understand correctly, it sounds you had counterproductive therapy and the wound was opened and not in a good way... the struggle to live with ptsd is very real. The anger/rage was/is up for me too. In my case, I had no idea why I was so angry most of my life until the repressed memories surfaced. I’ve been up and down and writing a lot on here and got lots of great support...
I’ve been “partially” hospitalized - a day program, and getting therapy twice a week now. It’s so important to get a good therapist/psychiatrist. It took me awhile to find one. She diagnosed me with ptsd a year ago - even before I felt I had that. And now it’s obvious. As you said, it is a struggle. Any stress in life just triggers tge trauma and everything feels 10 times harder.
Today, I actually felt like I was starting to feel some compassion for myself. But before, I hated myself, thinking I was some POS and deserved everything that happened to me. That was a huge breakthrough but there is so much more work to do and the daily stresses keep coming.
Do you have a support system now?