How Do You Come Out Of The "cave"?

[AmyO]

I am freaking out so bad right now. I feel like I have gone into cave mode and I can't shake it. I have been triggered so much lately that I don't want to go out and just avoid it all. I can't deal with my issues when I have to help three boys deal with theirs. I keep getting from everyone that I need to show my feelings to them but when I do they get insecure and protective. I feel like it's my fault anymore. I should have taken a little more of the beatdown to get them out of the room. He just wouldn't let me.

I hate my apartment when I am here. It makes me ill sometimes when I hear the gripes and complaints of the 'grapevine'. I feel like I am not deserving enough to have a stress free life because I didn't fight back harder. I should have protected them more and we would be okay. My guilt just won't go away. I have started therapy and all of it has come flooding back and I want to push it all away again.

Can anyone please help? How do you be strong when all I want to do is crawl into a hole. I have to be 250 percent all the time and the well is about to run dry. When does the pain end?

 

[Reclusive]

Oh AmyO! ::hugs if you accept them::

You don't need to be strong, you already ARE strong - know that you can handle this. Have you seriously considered moving? I think that would really help.

But for now, concentrate on breathing. For me, as long as I can do that, I figure things are probably going to be okay.

Other methods are finding 5 blue objects, studying objects around you, touching things that feel funny, grabbing an ice cube.

But remember that you're human and you're allowed to have these feelings. They're valid and they're telling you something. You can do this. I believe in you.

 

[Froggie]

Heard your cry AmyO ... what you are feeling ... especially with therapy is so normal or better yet, natural ... You did what you could with what you had. Just venting it out will give you some peace ... you're not alone and there are many members on this forum who will accompany you through this. ((((Hugs AmyO)))) candle burning for you

 

[AmyO]

I will take all the hugs I can get right now. I feel bad for even coming here for something like this. I can't stop crying and it hurts so bad. I feel nauseous and confused. I blame myself for the turmoil my family is in and it kills me every time I look at my boys. I want to just break down, but I know I can't do that either. My mask is crumbling and I feel like I can't stop it.

I hate bothering others with my problems because I have always had to care for others. I feel like I have completely lost myself in this whole darn process. I ask myself "Where is the happy woman I used to be?". I lost all motivation with everything. I have to stay up late to comfort the boys with their nightmares and get maybe 3 hours sleep a night right now. I feel totally alone and I don't know what I did. I feel like a bad mom because I can't control this and just be on my game at all times. My boys were totally broken and I blame myself.

I thank you all for just reading this but at the same time I ask myself "Who am I to burden all of you?". I am sorry for any pain I am causing anyone else and I hope that anybody offended by my drama will let me know. I know I should just suck it up and deal but I don't know if I can anymore. Why can't I be like more of you when I read your posts and you all are so much more grounded than I. But I appreciate all advice I get, more than anyone could ever realize right now.

I am looking into moving down by my mom in North Carolina but it just doesn't seem to be happening fast enough.

 

[Froggie]

Sweet AmyO, we have all had to do what you did. It's necessary otherwise it stays inside of us and makes us feel worse. There were some posts that I couldn't deal with so I left with no comments. Some, like yours today, hail me and I comment. There are times we need to NOT be alone, you are not imposing anything to anybody but if someone writes something that will do you some good, then you will have that special space to act as a better person. This is a good community, there are always some on the forum that will drop a line or 2. Share your burden, as I am certain that you will also listen to others. This is also a great place to learn how to care for ourselves. first steps first ... ((((AmyO))))

 

[Reclusive]

Don't feel bad - this is a place where you can come and set your burdens down. Be yourself. Let it go. This forum is everything that a community should be - we should have systems like this in the real world and we'd all be healthier for it.

Do you ever take time for yourself? You need to treat yourself - show yourself that you value you even if you don't at first.

And you can't burden us - we can choose whether to click the link or not, so those of us in the thread with you are CHOOSING to stand by you.

I'm glad you're moving down by your mom - I really hope that helps. How long do you have to go?

You and your poor boys... I forget - are you in counseling or no?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Amy,

It is OK to break down and ask for some help. It is incredibly hard to deal with PTSD from domestic violence, and to attend to the needs of children suffering from the results of domestic violence. And, oh, there is that horrible burden of guilt that just brings us to our knees. (I have four children and still feel the effects of my former marriage, as do they.)

This is a place where you are free to be "Amy" and not "Mom". This is the place where we support each other, and work on getting better, so we really do have the strength to help our children and others. It is OK.

(((hugs)))
Deb

 

[TEL]

Wearing a mask is not a life. I know. When I lost the 'strength' to put mine on, that was when the REAL healing started. And yes, it was a bit scary.

We absolutely must allow our outsides to match our insides. When things came tumbling down for me, I cried for years and years. No way could I stop it - and really, that was the good news.

I hope you can move real soon to be nearby your mom. You need all the support you can get. And you are worth it, AmyO. You are worth it.

I've heard it said that "should" is "sh-t". Maybe you might tell yourself that everytime you say "you should have...." let that one go. Stop abusing yourself. DIdn't your ex do that enough?

Mother guilt is a tremendous mental abuser in itself. And it does not serve you or your sons well. And it will diminish your well being like toxic poison. It will interfere with proper disciplining/raising of your boys. That one I learned the hard way. And when my son grew up, he used my guilt to manipulate me into saying yes for helping him in ways that prevented him from doing for himself.

Finally figured out that I was actually hurting him with my own guilt. We've both gotten past that now. Whew.

Can I make a suggestion? (as if I'm not already doing that here!) Something that helps recovery alot is to begin seeing ourselves in ways that we may not yet have achieved, so to speak. For instance, I used to have a stuffed Eeyore (from Winnie the Pooh) that I loved because I related to him. On the cartoons, he always said things like, "Oh bother. What's the use?"

So I gave Eeyore away to my granddaughter.

But as time went on, I needed a better vision of myself. I now have an angel statue called "courage" that sits next to my computer here. She's holding her arms up in the air. I like to see myself as that way.

So, please forgive me if I'm overstepping boundaries to suggest this but here goes: how about getting yourself a new Avatar pix? I mean, I know its a beautiful girl (probably beautiful like you) - but beyond that, she is miserable and stuck w/shackles. Maybe your mother guilt is keeping those shackles there...?

For your sake and your boys sake, see yourself as free - even if you don't feel it yet. It is our thoughtlife from which everything else flows; our feelings, our behaviors, our beliefs, etc.

Love and hugs to you AmyO.....TEL

 

[AmyO]

I am in counseling myself. But I just started two weeks ago. I think that is been what is helping to bring me down. I had to remember things that made me worse. The last three years of our marriage, my ex would bring some of his friends home every friday night. I would put the kids to bed (thank God) and they would start drinking. He would lock the boys bedroom door from the outside and he and his friends would take turns working out frustrations on me. Usually anywhere from 4 to 6 of them and they would get to do the things that they couldn't do at home.

On top of the daily beatings and such I just blocked it so completely that I 'forgot'. I got so weird today that I got several bloody noses from just thinking about those boots (He would put his work boots back on to kick me).

The sad thing is...I don't know if I remember how to take care of "me". I got so Stepford that I completely lost who I used to be. I miss her, I just have to dig so deep to reach her and I don't know where to even start looking.

I guess too, that TEL is right. I need to let go of my trapped Angel. Thanks all. :cry:

 

[Reclusive]

Start with little things. What do you like to drink. To you prefer orange juice or apple juice. What ice cream do you like. And slowly work deeper from there to find yourself. You're still in there. You might not come out the way you went in, but you can still find YOU.

Your experience sounds absolutely hellacious and I am SO glad you are out of that situation!