How do you come to terms with the things you did?

[MatthewO1987]

Hi guys,

I know this may be a bit of a pointless exercise but does anyone else struggle coping with the things you did before you knew you were sick? I have been wracked with guilt about things I’ve done before I found out I was sick, I literally feel like a monster for hurting so many people that I really did love. My partner is gone and basically doesn’t want a sorry from me (would she really trust or believe it even if I did??) and most of my family have been really good but I just can’t get my head around why I did those things and I can’t stop thinking about the people I’ve hurt. I feel such a horrible person at the moment. Has anyone else had this? How did you cope?

 

[blackemerald1]

@MatthewO1987 - I didn't do a whole lot of horrible things to anyone before I knew I was unwell. Possibly I did wrong some people by not doing things I would have ordinarily done. Idk I didn't know what was wrong with me when I finally was diagnosed with PTSD.

PTSD didn't make me behave badly. I probably stopped interacting with everyone at the level they usually expected. I was in survival mode long before I actually realised I was.

I lost a lot of people in my life after I became ill. I think with some people yes - I would love to go back and explain but it would not change their minds. They left me when they knew I was unwell. They certainly knew about my trauma and maybe they expected me to not be traumatised. Idk But that was their choice and it speaks more to their minds than mine. But I cannot re-write my own history and I would not be able to convince anyone they should have not left.

I think you are wanting to re-write your history and are grieving over the loss of relationships and friendships that could not last regardless of why you behaved the way you did.

If you have stopped the behaviour that you think drove people away then you are doing well now.

wracked with guilt about things I’ve done before

Guilt is such a loaded word. But if you do feel guilt use it to move on and improve your behaviour and yourself now.

would she really trust or believe it

Idk what you did to your partner. But rather than trying to prove something to an ex-partner who has now left. Let her be and learn that bad behaviour has big consequences for you. That is enough. Try not to keep belting yourself up over what is done and learn better ways of behaving. Have higher expectations of yourself.

Concentrate on recovering and building respectful relationships into the future.

It's the future you have some hope of having control over. Not the past.:)

 

[scout86]

Are you in some kind of therapy? There's a lot to sort out that's hard to do on your own.

AA talks about "making amends". Feeling the need to do that doesn't make you a bad person. Quite the contrary. It might help too read up on the concept?

 

[Friday]

- When I've been super lucky I've gotten the chance to learn from what I've f*cked up. To be presented with the same scenario, different time & place, and choose differently. It doesn't erase the guilt of the past, doesn't change it, but it helps to balance it. To square it some.

- When I'm not that lucky, it's just something I've learned to wear. Snort. Often times badly, but hey. This is the one that chafes the hardest in the onslaught if the 'not your fault' business. Yes. Actually. Some things are my fault. And there is jack all I can do about it. <<< That I know of, in any event.

- When I'm unlucky, not only do I really f*cking hate & despise what I did, but I would do it again.

***

And maybe someone has a better answer to how you deal with that, than mine; You just do. Own it, learn from it, and if you're f*cking lucky as hell maybe you'll get a chance to do differently someday.

From something I wrote a bit ago

 

[MatthewO1987]

Hey guys thank you for the reply. So you think just leave her gone and don’t even try to explain that I had PTSD (she at present likely just thinks I’m a asshole). And I still can’t stop feeling the guilt, it’s like I feel the need to inform people I’ve been so bad if that makes any sense what so ever. The therapist keeps saying that I should just try to move forward and stop trying to apologise to all of the people I have hurt but it doesn’t seem that easy. I’ve fairly quickly at least got the message to other people that I was f*cked up and to be honest I am ok with that.

 

[Friday]

The therapist keeps saying that I should just try to move forward and stop trying to apologise to all of the people I have hurt but it doesn’t seem that easy

Repentance doesn’t mean saying you’re sorry.

Repentance means living differently.

It’s a helluva lot harder than sorry. Ain’t easy at all.

 

[MatthewO1987]

I know and I truly am trying to sort my life out. I really am making a conscious effort to pull my shit together and get back on track. Dunno just seems open to not even tell her.

 

[Friday]

So you think just leave her gone and don’t even try to explain that I had PTSD (she at present likely just thinks I’m a asshole). And I still can’t stop feeling the guilt, i

Im not saying what to do/not do.

I would suggest, however...

My partner is gone and basically doesn’t want a sorry from me (would she really trust or believe it even if I did??)

...indicates that getting in contact with her to make yourself feel better -regardless of what it does to her, and directly against her wishes- is just another way of hurting her / being an asshole.

IE If you really want to stop hurting her? Listen to what she’s asked of you.

Otherwise what? You make your self feel better, but end up owing her an apology, for apologizing, after she’s said stop no more. And then what? You’ll owe her an apology for the apology for the apology? And then what? :confused: See how this goes? Round and round the merry go round of you doing what she’s asked you not to, to make yourself feel better. Probably not all that different from what you want to apologize for originally.

 

[Hollandi]

Hi guys,

I know this may be a bit of a pointless exercise but does anyone else struggle coping wi...

Oh Matthew, at 31 you seem to be willing to take on the troubles of the world! Wouldn't it be more productive to focus on yourself.

If you have PTSD then your partner would have been 'sub-consciously' aware, in fact these are the features, most often, that attract us to other people, their failings and vulnerabilities. Please don't contrive to understand 'other people' when you so clearly have no significant handle on Matthew would be my advice.

 

[ILoveLife]

Hmm.. I'm sorry for my bluntness. Seems to me that using the explanation that you have ptsd is using the disorder as an excuse. Would you forgive someone solely based on their diagnosis, not based on what they actually do and are as a person, right now?

I used my MI as an excuse and got nowhere in my guilt for the longest time. That is, until I realized I actually changed and wasn't harming myself or burning bridges around me anymore.

It's really up to you how you're going to face this. Excuse or accountability?

And I think @Friday is right, if she asked to be left alone you should do that, respect her wishes. Maybe someday you'll be able to apologize, and maybe she will forgive you. If she doesn't, you will grow and move on from those behaviors regardless.

Hug to you man, I've been in that position and it sucks.

 

[MatthewO1987]

Thank you for the reply. I think I will just leave her be but the guilt still stands. It’s not about forgiveness (that is not going to happen at all) it was more about standing up and being honest for once and being genuinely sorry. It isn’t just her I owe it to, I owe apologies to everyone, it’s more that I haven’t had contact with her to apologise where others can see that I’m sorry if that makes any sense. It was put to me (by a friend who’s a councillor) that I was being selfish by not apologising to people or at least offering that to them. I think that I will continue to improve and sort myself out but I guess time will tell if I ever get to truely atone

 

[ILoveLife]

I was thinking though. Is much of it frilly your wrong doing, or perceived wrong doing that didn't take place? Sometimes we blame ourselves for things that are really not our fault.

I understand what you mean though. It sucks, but you do what you need to do. I did apologize to everyone, even if it was thorough text and probably never read. So, do what you think is right.

Not frilly, really*