Relationship How Do You Communicate Effectively With Your Sufferer When Angry?

[Sephira]

Hi guys-as the title says: How do you comminicate effectively with your partner when you get angry?

Yesterday was my birthday and my sufferer did something thoughtless guaranteed to really piss me off. When I became angry, I became his stressor. He got upset and isolated the rest of the day. Needless to say, it wasn't the best birthday.

So, how I want to learn how to communicate my feelings in a manner that works, because bottling my anger and quietly seething to avoid stressing him out is not working-especially because then my anger usually manifests in a tone he doesn't like.

I struggle with this because my anger always is a stressor for him but anger is a normal emotion. Ugh!

Thanks everyone!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, I don't communicate with my partner when I get angry. If he pisses me because he is being an ass, I just have to remove myself from his presence. I'll usually just say something like "stop", "you just hit my limit" or put my hand up, then I'll leave.

I have a hot-head that I have finally learned to manage. It is not in my nature to back down from confrontation either... but it didn't take me long to learn that it isn't going to fly in a PTSD relationship. My vet knows it too, and he can appreciate how I hard I have worked to curb it. I think he knows that if I hadn't, I'd probably be wearing him like a shoe by now because I'd have my foot lodged up his rear.

He knows that is the time I need MY space. I need to go off and cool down. I'll get in my car and drive around with the windows rolled up cussing him out for awhile, or if I'm really pissed, I have a box of old plates I break against the back wall of my shed. It feels sooooooooo good to break something sometimes. :devilish:

Maybe one of these days I'll be zen enough not to get angry. I wish I was that mature, but so far I'm not. I do know that trying to communicate with my vet when I have any kind of high emotion (anger, sadness, frustration, etc.) just ends up in shambles. I just wait to calm down before I try and talk to him.

 

[Antidote]

What really helps for me is the "I" sentences, like "when you did this I felt/thought...." or "when you did that it came across as ..... to me".
Also if you can, first state what you thought their intention was, show them you're trying to see it from their perspective.
Maybe try to let things go untill a quieter, more settled time in the day? That way it gives you time to settle out what you really want to say and will maybe give you time to settle any strong emotions.

 

[Sephira]

Sweetpea, my problem is...even if I don't yell or scream, even if I tell him stop-just my feeling of anger stresses him. If he knows I'm unhappy, that's all he needs to isolate.It seems like no matter how I handle it, it doesn't work well. Then it's my fault for stressing him. I think I may just pretend I'm okay, quickly leave then scream my head off in private.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I feel your pain.

You know, it's not your fault if he is isolating or having a bad stress reaction because of your emotions. You are allowed to have feelings too. Unless you are purposely doing things to stress him out of spite, his stress is his to own.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe you could write it down for him? I find reading is helpful, & writing helps me try to communicate but not hurt others feelings (hopefully).

I am frightened of others' anger. I guess because it's frightening I can't tell if they are 'right' or not at that moment. Presumably I suppose they are, but really mostly I feel panic & not sure what else, try to flee I guess. I can only think of 3 things that make me want to flee: anger, distrust, & large-scale emotional triggers.

 

[Sephira]

Junebug, I've tried the whole writing thing. Sadly, that doesn't work either. He calls it my "emo wall of text". When he sees it, he won't read it all all. And Sweetpea, you're totally right about it being his reaction. intellectually, I know it isnt my fault. But man, when any negative reaction happens and it results in him leaving, I feel bad. Especially when he thinks I'm the cause of his stress. Then he says I'm not being kind. I really love his company for the most part, so when he isolates, I miss him. Especially when we have a great day planned. The whole thing just drives me crazy!

 

[Wastinglight]

my anger always is a stressor for him but anger is a normal emotion

Hi Sephira. Yes, I totally get what you're saying here, and I really feel for you. My guy does something similar - any time I'm not 100% happy, it stresses him and put ever more strain on the relationship. Coming on here and talking sometimes helps put me in a better frame of mind, sometimes it doesn't. I wish I could tell you that I have a strategy that works, but I'm afraid the opposite is true at the moment. The problem is that if I'm upset or angry, it helps me to talk about it with him, but that's exactly what makes his anxiety go through the roof. He says I should be talking to a therapist about my problems, not him! *sigh*.

 

[Sangamo]

I can relate to your situation. I have been trying to find a way to stop things before I get upset but as a man she has a way of hurting me in ways I never thought of. I have always been a romantic and she even scolded me about writing a sweet sticky note. I hope you can find a happy medium I find that just walking away works as long as I can not show any emotion as I have done in past

 

[Sephira]

Hi everyone- I'm still struggling with this. I've been reading about this and I guess there are three steps a sufferer experiences- stimuli, schema, then response. And PTSD changes the sufferer's schema so things that wouldn't be a big deal before PTSD become major stressors and they view them through a different schema or lens then before.

I understand a bit more but it only makes me feel marginally better. Anger is a normal human response and it's really rough for me to always be Ms. Happy with him.

Over time and with therapy, does this get better? My dearest is so much better than when he was first diagnosed but still has many issues to deal with.

We have boundaries in place but when I get angry, his fight response is triggered and he gets very angry, very quickly. Once he has reached that place it takes days to calm down. I confronted him about being insensitive on Friday, and had a tone. The evening was ruined, and he will isolate all week as a result.

I'm the problem he says because I know being angry stresses him, and I should watch my tone.It's so painful for me because I think...if I had just watched my mouth, he'd be talking to me instead of isolating. On the other hand, I'm angry with him because I shouldn't have to disguise my emotions- he certainly gives his free rein.

Im not trying to be insensitive to sufferers- I can't imagine their pain, just frustrated at the complexity of my relationship.

 

[Sephira]

Sangamo, I completely understand your frustration. I wrote my dearest a sweet note as well, and he deleted it before he read it. He said it was a wall of emo text and he couldn't be bothered :(

 

[Sangamo]

Good morning hope this finds you well. I just read a note that turned my heart inside out. It's like she has totally forgot "us" and everything is I me and mine.