How Do You Cope With All Judgement?

[anni]

There is so MUCH to this subject, and all the post have been insightful. Thank you for the thread, and all the replies.

I can't wait to be through this particular part of healing because it's quite frankly such a pervasive, disruptive and comprehensively limiting aspect of PTSD in my life at the moment. I'd actually like to be aware enough while processing the various healing tools to be able to still 'keep' the ability to my antennae out. It feels like the same mechanism with which we are terribly aware of what others are 'thinking' ( and usually over-reacting or misinterpreting that) can also allow us to be terribly compassionate humans. I have no idea on the planet how to pull 'it' off, but would really like to get the heck rid of picking up on other's negative crap while maintaining this big, fat soft hearted geek I've turned into in the last 20 years.

There is nothing at all even slightly 'good' about PTSD, or the traumas that got us here. Given a choice, I'd rather not have gotten beaten, poisoned, stalked and had my baby kidnapped by an alcoholic kook. I have PTSD and it sucks. I wasn't some big jerk pre-traumas but I wasn't as compassionate or as driven in a need to just plain HELP others in pain. That part I'd like to have hang around after this judgement/shame/avoidance/fear work is done.

Take care,

Anni

 

[OMNICELL]

Im an intelligent man... from a middle class background.. at-least to start with.. However, I changed.. at times in the past.. I looked acted, and dressed more like a Gang-member then anything else...

No one even gave me a chance... It was all about the symptoms... Being judged by my symptoms instead of my inside person.. anyway, that is how I got judged...

Many people saw me sociopathic... and other men, of-course wanting to make a mark.. would see me as a confusing threat... Their I was intelligent, yet with a personalty that would go all the way with a personal war... I wasnt posing.. it was real for me.. and I found myself around allot of fakes and posers...

Their fore, I would never interact with anyone... afraid I would end up in real trouble if I become dissociative... SO then , people began to think I was weak and could be tak'n advantage of...

Ive been judged in every direction to the satisfaction of all around me... except for my own satisfaction... these people refused to except me the way I am... and this has been a confusing problem ..

I dont need to prove anything to anyone ... because of the horrors Ive been through, and what the long exposer of those personal genocidic experiences has done to me... I am a civilian.. Im not talking about the service... , I just dont need to prove myself.. ive already done that... and more insecure people have a hard time with that..

It is hard getting over triggered and not knowing what to do about it.. IVe learned that its attraction.. not promotion... and this can bend people the wrong way, when they see I will not budge or people please them...

Im not sure if this helps... I haven't put down to many posts yet.. and Im not used to talking about this stuff in a group this big..

 

[heather q]

Something I came across that is helping me a little is from a book called Messies, I'm in the process of cleaning house and this comment I saved.

Rudeness
The person who has the poor judgment to treat me rudely in the first place, seldom has the good judgment to stop it.

At work I get a lot of rejection, today at coffee time I brought a christmas treat for everyone, a ginger bread type thing, my crew all rejected it. So still shaking I found another group who shared the ginger bread with me. I'm trying to be accepted but I'm realizing that they cannot accept me. I don't think they can be accepting of me.

The sooner I can quit needing acceptance, the sooner I can let them have their behaviour without it affecting me, then it wont hurt me anymore. I was expecting too much and I don't need to do it anymore.

Now if I can just remember this.

Heather

 

[AthenaErdmann]

BTW, just recalled a thought as a child; "Beating up is OK, it's the shouting that hurts".

This is maybe off topic, but this line really rang a bell for me. Being hit, pushed, dragged about by my hair etc. - when each assault ended, it was over. With the ugly words came ugly faces that kept popping up in my mind over and over a long time after each incident. That feeling of being seen as an absolute no-good-for-nothing is horrible. I've often reflected that the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is just a big lie, when we are talking about children. An adult (without PTSD/CPTSD or some other serious mental/emotional condition) can shake off nasty words, but for kids, who are still developing their sense of self, words hurt a LOT.

IMO & AtME, as always.

Athena