How do you deal with hypervigilance from feeling trapped, unable to protect yourself etc

[Tinyflame]

I hope your group went well @recoveringfromptsd . You see, that's something I could not do.

One thing I have found, is that when it seems intractable there's some reasons yet unknown at play. For a small example, I cannot visualize a 'safe' place; I would think that'd be a question of safety, until I realized I can't visualize much in general.

I had/ have a prevailing sense of terror and horror. But not specific to people; I don't see myself a victim-in-the-making. Just the impending feeling the terror and following horror is split-second imminent and occuring.

Sounds silly but I'm going to write it anyway: my (large breed- German Shepherd) dog was a severely abused shut down rescue, afraid to eat, 'do her business' and come when she was called. She was non-responsive, we were told she would hide everywhere, could easily scale 6 foot fences (she can), would run away, and had to be crated and 'tethered' (tied to us). She cannot stand containment.

The first 2 days we hand fed her and added fresh steak and salmon to her dinner. We tethered her for one hour, then gave her the run of the house. We put her in a crate and I went down, put in laundry, came up and she was sitting beside it (wagging)- she had squeezed through the steel door with 3 locks (we would call her Houdini). I would take her outside to the same place and say "Thank you!" sweetly and happily when she would 'go', and give her a little hug and lift 2 of her feet off the ground; for 2 weeks she wouldn't 'go' with anyone else. We would call her with phrases without the word come. My sister took her everywhere, in the car, groceries, long long walks because she loved them- that was key- adding fun from the start= relax. Time, fun, training, consistency, gentleness.

It took one year before she barked. In time she became more confident than almost any dog you see, and is a Cuddle Bug who goes absolutely everywhere. She still wants to run 'out' in to T-storms, however, and during the sound of wind.

The point being, we didn't fight her terror, we added what she loved, and occupied her attention doing that. We didn't use their methods. Her sister, who was in much better shape, did well but not as well as she is doing.

Hugs to you. It's hard to keep trying and remember the light at the end of the tunnel isn't another train. Keep trying. :hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I had/ have a prevailing sense of terror and horror. But not specific to people; I don't see myself a victim-in-the-making. Just the impending feeling the terror and following horror is split-second imminent and occuring.

I found the dog stuff very helpful, and I guess in many ways I am like that, post abuse I have had to exist even when I did not want to. The survival instinct for both me and the dog in your post has keep us from giving up completely to the degree we can't exist.

As to the sense of horror bit, well my hyper-vigilance late like yours described here has some similarities yet is very much different. For me I was placed in an abusive group home situation by DSS, told DSS about it and was told to "learn to live with it". I am incapable for body language communication because when the abuse was happening it would escalate if I expressed like a frown or smile even, or no expression at all sometimes. I was raped by a staff member, I had to submissively let it happen, complaining or screaming, etc. would get me more abuse. That moment broke me. I was never the same after that.

When you tie not being able to get help because those who you complain to are a party to the abuse by choosing to allow it to continue. The abuse it self being enforced by not being able to escape it or get help, being violated in those conditions, and then being dumped on the street and homeless and unable to care for myself except by having to sell my body to not starve which each time was like being violated again (in 7 months and as many as 8 a day sometimes which is several thousand), I did what I had to do to not die despite how much it hurt me (the only way I could cope with it was by becoming an alcoholic. I understand this created my situational hyper-vigilance that governs my every moment. I find myself no matter how hard I try incapable of trusting at any level. Instead every interaction is governed by the opposite of trusting, and that is by how much a threat or risk I perceive. As I understand it internally my four F's use this mechanism to protect me from perceived or potential harm but in a hyper-vigilant way based on how I was harmed back then.

I very much have great insight to the processes that make things like they are. But that only helps me know what needs targeting treatment wise.

My last T betrayed me twice. Betrayal, abandonment, controlled, no win are all things that are like bombshells to my being. My new T may do the same thing, but I have to force myself to set aside fears of such that I have as I did with the old T initially, in order to have an chance or hope to get better, if I don't then I stop trying to exist.

My new T however is special at present, she took the time to read hundreds of pages of records and my accounts. She understands my thinking, and that is good because with that she can target my cognitive errors more specifically. I have better hopes this time around.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well thank you for saying @recoveringfromptsd , and of course that makes perfect sense.

Something that comes off the top of my mind is this :

My new T however is special at present, she took the time to read hundreds of pages of records and my accounts. She understands my thinking, and that is good because with that she can target my cognitive errors more specifically. I have better hopes this time around.

Thankfully she has come in to your life, and as far as it goes I think you should have hope as regards it. Again, having that glimmer of hope says much for your strength.

Do you do anything specifically as an outlet for the energy from the anxiety and hypervigilance, and within your capacity, barring injuries? And by that I mean in a large-scale way? Long distance running or sprint training? Long brisk walks (think miles, not blocks), tennis (even against a wall, more similar to squash)? Dancing, swimming, long distance cycling? Physical training that gives the feeling of great freedom if you have the financial resources to learn: horse-jumping, skiing (even bunny hills, though that's seasonally dependent), aerobics, or dancing (think dance dance dance- ie don't think). If I had one thing I could afford to do I'd walk the El Camino. Personally, I think this is huge because when it comes to stress, anxiety and hypervigilance my Stress Cup is a Stress Vat. I can't relax enough to listen if I can't take it in. And if I'm too exhausted after that, well at least I might sleep, and the next day reap some benefits. My body now however is much f'ed up.

I also can't remember too much if it's not written down (and in front of my nose when I need it).

Btw, I'm sorry about your situation with your sister. I wasn't referring to that kind of care specifically, rather devoting your attention to others who can't help themself, with or without pay. My whole life for one reason or another I've had to live a hair's breath away from the fear of homelessness, whether it be the cascade effect of physical issues, potential of limiting illness, natural disaster, no help, unexpected death. I see (only me, personally) those as off-shoots of excessive (and yet based on reality) worrying, not specific to ptsd. Understandable, but a whole other animal.

Similar too, much expressed here also about situational overwhelming anxiety and hypervigilance that we share across the board here, unique to our histories. Like a Vet friend here who told me what would go through his mind if he held his grandchild.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry I think I made a boo boo with the quotes, and to say what you've described is characteristic of child abuse/ csa, not sure any of us could show body language or expression or ever 'win' a way to control it. I think many of us were told (or not told- by silence of others we reached out to) to go back and live with it.

.And that the additional catastrophic suffering and sorrow you suffered that followed being homeless and abused similar to human trafficking; I am wondering if there are those familiar in caring for those coming out of those situations?

You have great strength and self-understanding.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Do you do anything specifically as an outlet for the energy from the anxiety and hypervigilance

Yes, and no no that is physically demanding, yes to something to cope and burn off anxiety. I also like to read stories online (I get headaches from books because my eyes dont converge at the same place depending on how close things are to my eyes - weak eye muscle), online I have a big monitor (32 in) so reading online works for me.

MUSIC. Writing and playing (learning), I let it consume my attention and meld right into it.
Physical stuff I can't even yoga in IOP left me in lots of pain.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I get it I am functionally blind in one eye and prohibited to drive (talk about losing freedom and increasing fear). Also podcasts, webinars, audio books, etc.

Yay to music! :) :tup: Put it on everywhere.

I think the reason physical energy output is required is the energy diffusion, and the connection to gut bacteria, along with levels of neurotransmitters in the brain, as well as the production of endorphins. Along with breathing properly they're as effective or more so than morphine. It's really a necessity, IMHO. No matter how hard it is to find 'something' you can do. And not doing it will compound your injuries and anxiety. Perhaps look in to therapeutic recovery models, since they are for people needing to begin at the beginning. You've got to get the energy out.

I think that was the reason Marsha- what was her name?, something like ~Linehan or similar?, a groundbreaking pioneer for treating Borderline Pers Disorder (who had it herself) required everyone in her pgm to walk 5 miles every day to start.

I'm going to be blunt- because I'm saying this only as applies to myself- but if I had to crawl to do it, to put the exercise in, or to care for myself,I'd have to find a way. It's still easier than asking for help or disclosure, no more terrifying or humiliating, and my anxiety isn't going to evaporate on it's own. It's physiological and includes overthinking, so more thinking won't reduce it, in my attempts, anyway. Though relaxation does- when combined with a change in thoughts, mostly listening to other's input, not more of my own thoughts and spins on matters. Just as writing and playing music occupies your focus and brain. :tup: And something you love! Do more of the same! :)

The thing with being physical is for those of us who need it the most, it's most difficult: walking with swollen legs with Diabetes (a stubbed toe could result in amputation), fresh out of open heart surgery you're on an exercise bike the next day, attempting to relearn to walk, speak, sit up on your own, overcome paralysis, with stroke, etc etc- the option to do or not do it is taken away. I physically cannot move if i don't keep moving. I've had times I can't straighten for days til I get the joint in. i can reset my own shoulder when it dislocates, etc. I have constant blinding migraines. It's a fact of life, which, tbh, nobody cares. Everybody has so much of their own suffering.

Can you start with walking? With music in one ear? Can you take pledges and walk for someone else? No one cares what we do; part of the cognitive distortion is thinking we're even on others' radars, whether it be abuse or otherwise. But we do know, without a doubt, many are currently where we were, and are children themelves. (Not said as guilt-inducing, but as action, and well just reality and focus off ourselves).

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

what you've described is characteristic of child abuse/ csa

Actually I have had CSA at age 5, the obvious behavior problems that followed likely contributed to me being a ward of the court. when I was placed at that place, mentally I was still a child, I was 19 & 20 when I was at that place. I was retained by the court as a juvenile ward until I was 21. So mentally and legally I was still a juvenile, when I ran away from that place, they even had a juvenile detention warrant out on me. So legally it was both CSA and Child abuse from a legal standpoint, while I mentioned being raped by a staff member, after that event I was also raped twice by 2 of my peers (clients).

I have problems with body language because of the way my abuse took place, coupled with body language or lack of it was often used as a reason to escalate the abuse. I could not win, if I was emotionless I got abused for to responding showing they were affecting me, if I used emotion it was used to against me for not expressing the way they wanted or not at all. It came down to they used it either way to abuse me more. I was abused more than any client there because of my age, and rebel nature when I first got there. So it seems obvious why NO-WIN with situational uncertainty puts me in an immediate suicidal state requiring intervention. No-win with situational uncertainty from a PTSD trigger standpoint is internally in my brain equivalent to being in the same situation conditions I was in back when I was abused there.

To simplify it all, I was in a place of constant abuse, where I was also raped by one of those abusing me, where I had no one to turn to for help, where body language was used to further the abuse. You combine all these and it gets pretty clear why I have my form of PTSD (literally no one to turn to, if I reported it to someone on the street they would have called CPS at DSS, who given DSS already had jurisdiction over me I would simply do what they already did, "learn to live with it". , in fact I went to a church when I ran away, only to be sent back there)

The only way I could have gotten out of there would have been to commit a criminal act, which would have gotten me as an adult in the jail system, or in detention until I was 21 in Juvie. I am not that kind of person to use this way to escape from that situation.

My T right now is very concerned what I will do on the anniversary (July 27) of when I was sent there. She knows what I had planned from earlier S/I. I don't know what steps she plans, I suspect she does not yet either. The options are INPATIENT, PHP or IOP w/ no car keys at night with Mobile Crisis followup at night, Beacon Place, or just taking my car keys (residential respite/intervention with 24/7 intervention). If nothing is done, we have put enough things in my way to make it hard to follow thru with anything, but that's not absolute.

I've had to live a hair's breath away from the fear of homelessness

I suspect many of us fear homelessness being near to our situations. Because I was gang r...d in a homeless shelter if I was to be homeless again I could not go to a shelter, unfortunately, it obvious what I would do. I have never stopped fearing homelessness.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sounds like a good plan, yes.

No-win with situational uncertainty from a PTSD trigger standpoint is internally in my brain equivalent to being in the same situation conditions I was in back when I was abused there.

Yes. It sure does. I dare say, for most of us here, I feel.

Yes , I've expressed I will kill myself if I become homeless. I hope not, on both counts. But why I started working at 14. At many times in my life it wasn't a fear it was a reality.That by the grace of God was diverted.

I wish you strength to get through the anniversary. Anthony has a great thread here on just that, they aren't replays (unless we allow them to be). April and May are some of the worst for me.

As an aside, Idk if you have anyone in your life, but something about suicide attempts I rarely hear mentioned but I really would consider truthfully instead of attempting, is not only that you can easily be left with more to contend with if not 'successful', but also it will haunt your thoughts how to get it 'right', it will add a whole new layer to your thoughts, IME. Fear is good-healthy-sane. Reaching out to your T, being honest, making safety measures, is the same. It's honest and takes a lot of courage and no BS. It recognizes and acknowledges the gravity, but also indicates you're sincere about making a commitment and participate in getting healthier.

Funny, I think it demands much of us, it's heavy lifting. Because it's far harder to fight than throw in the towel, and it really tests the limits of perseverance and faith. Funny you see- if I had car keys I wouldn't be 'here'.

Far as my dog goes, I think she is how she is now in her recovery because she recognized the difference and kindness and values it; she lives in the moment; her personality is not to be aggressive; she is cherished, she has no self-pity. She had given up -to a dog (or person) stopping eating and drinking is suicide, she was less than 50 lbs after 6 weeks of fostering and being made to get pregnant as a puppy herself (6 pups , they didn't recognize til the vet check she was even pregnant). She is now a 'perfect' (according to the Vet) weight of 85 lbs. She has a bad leg and wants to walk and run (fly) for miles. She throws up bile when stressed, but no longer fears she will be beaten for it.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Reaching out to your T, being honest, making safety measures, is the same. It's honest and takes a lot of courage and no BS. It recognizes and acknowledges the gravity, but also indicates you're sincere about making a commitment and participate in getting healthier.

I was very hard to tell my T about my planning that has be recurring in regards to the anniversary. I worried about being EP'd over it, Even having done that and thus sabotaging my opportunity potentially. The desire is still strong to get final closure with my life by making what happened a public matter where it is hard to ignore. But the relationship with the new T we built on the need to be able to do just that without fear of what might happen.

I would not say I am in recovery, more like being in survive the moment alive.

 

[Tinyflame]

That is a fine goal atm. First things first.

Enjoy the knowledge too, that sharing with your T did not result in your feared scenario. :tup:

 

[SeedMan]

we didn't fight her terror, we added what she loved, and occupied her attention doing that.

Wow! Your treatment program for your pup sounds like something I could use for myself. Thank you for sharing.