Thank you for the campassion Jline,
Sometimes simply hearing that someone wishes to relieve my pain, whether the percieved cause of that pain is rational or not, is the most healing and comforting act that someone can do. I have a very hard time relaying this to my carer; hence his comments about "playing the PTSD card".
My carer wanted to discuss symptoms, needs, and accountability again last night, and I engaged willingly. I was doing good controlling my symptoms of blaming others and self-guilt all the way to the end of our discussion. I was proud of myself, but I knew d*mned well that it was absolutely neccessary to take a "time out" afterwards. As my carer and I like to say, although I did well, "My bucket was full to the brim" and dangerously tipsey. Early in our discussion, we were interrupted by my grown son, and we "ceased fire" where the discussion had gone awry. Thank Thor for my son's random appearance.
As we sat there in his company for 15 minutes, I half dissociated (still hearing the conversation, but not interpreting it in any way); staring at a TV image that was not registering in my brain. What was going on inside my head was introspection, and I was giving no thought to either of the men in the room. I began to realize what I was really thinking in the last few moments before my son arrived, and noticing the physical symptoms that I had been ignoring in the heat of the moment. It's so hard to wrap my head around the fact that these things are happening to me without my knowledge of them at the time.
Rage had been building inside of me, and I didn't even know what the h*ll I was so angry about. I recognized, during that spontaneous time out and before continuing the discussion, a "me" that was very familiar. While in introspect, I felt like I "was" that 15 year old girl who sat in front of her mirror... hating herself. I realize now, in fact, that I may have been having an episode of "feeling as if the truama were reoccuring in the present time". I honestly felt like I was her, all those years ago. Expressing this fact, to me, is a tool that allows my carer to make a positive difference when I'm not able to. To him, it is me "being the victim" or "playing the PTSD card". My carer feels as though I am blaming him or reacting to him because of what someone else did to me. I get that, and how it could feel as though I were doing that. But the honest truth is that I don't consciously feel that way about his contribution to my episodes, and it's extremely hard to relay that fact and have it understood or trusted. I do almost feel like I'm Skizophrenic at times because I revert to very specific "Meli's" due to different triggers and my multiple traumas.
I wrote down my symptoms and emotions while my son was effectively pausing our discussion. I felt confused and out of control, and I wanted to review my list when I could be more rational. Two hours later, when I read what I had wrote, I was shocked. Some of the things I had written were inconceivable to me after I had gained control again. I actually could not physically remember feeling that way just a couple hours before. The symptoms had come and gone without any mental retention of them. It scared the hell out of me, and made me aware of just HOW helpless am I against this disorder. Of course, all the feelings of being broken and unloveable rose to the surface, and added to the already existant fragility of my psyche because of this realization. I became extremely vulnerable to a break down..... and proceeded to have one a short time later.
I did spend some time to myself after our discussion, and I felt proud of myself for not loosing it. I was getting ready to turn out the light and go to bed, and struggled to decide whether or not to tell my carer and say goodnight. I thought about what I needed; total isolation; and I thought about what he needed; reassurance that I still loved him and cared about the effects on his life. I decided to go to his office and say goodnight in person.
He was on the forums, and immediately wanted me to read his response to something I had asked about there (along with another reader who was confused about it as well). One comment in his new post caused a major negative reaction in me, and I carefully corrected the technicality, thinking I could still remain in control of myself. Bad move! I would have preferred now that I had left it alone. It wasn't important. His response to my correction (as it seemed to me while in the moment) was him saying that he knows better than me what I'm thinking or intend to say in my comments.... I yelled.
Following that short disruption to my otherwise commendable behavior, my carer came to our bedroom and expressed his love and compassion for me. And here is an example of full blown PTSD; because he did that, I was able to let down my guard (the rage, the tough ugly exterior, and survival instincts), and show him what was really going on inside of me; what I was denying to myself in part, and what I was not aware of as well. One of my closest friends (also a survivor of rape) told me "Melinda, I'm sorry, I love you, but you front". And I do, all the time. I'm not tough at all, and inside I'm as fragile as a china doll. I promptly let the waters flow when I saw the love on my carer's face. I don't do that often; I'm embarassed by my weakness. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't talk, and I couldn't bear the thought of being touched (another reason I front because people want to hug us when we cry). I was completely out of control, and in the deepest darkest abyss that was second only to the times I've considered suicide. I hated myself, and saw no future whatsoever.
My carer tells me that I should show him that more often, and I don't know what I think about that statement. That is an extremely terrifying place to be, and if I don't use some of my coping mechanisms (anger and numbing), I'm afraid that I will hurt myself or someone else. My point to all this is to express how volotile and dangerous this disorder is.
I will post my list of symptoms in an appropriate thread at a later date. I do not feel strong enough to address that purpose right now. My eyes are swollen, and I need time to recuperate. I have devised a process plan for this very thing;
Trigger/Episode
Realization
Mental Processing
Relaxation
To me, it's obvious that every episode demands this process in this order. The most important step, to me, being "relaxation". Without the time to let ourselves relax both physically and mentally, we cannot feel healthy. If we cannot feel healthy and rested, we cannot move forward out of a state of constant turmoil and stressors. Our episodes linger far longer than our carers realize.
~Meli
