How Do You Express Anger?

[Eleanor]

Here is the thing about anger - it is about protecting your boundaries. And if you have anger coming up, your alert system is trying to tell you that your boundaries are or have been violated. If you are not being physically threatened (a whole different situation) then you could use non-violent communication to ask the other person to do, or not do, whatever is causing the problem. If you search for CNVC.org in YouTube you can find a lot of information on how to do this. If other people won't respect your boundaries then you have to decide whether you want to stay and figure out a way to cope, or just leave. Walk away.

If you have a lot of free floating anger energy, and you want it to stop circulating/go away, then you need to STOP THINKING. The anger will dissipate much faster if you don't continuously reinforce it. If you need to do something physical; stomping (I kick the ball for my dog to retrieve) hitting pillows, roaring (I like to visualize being a fire breathing dragon while I roar - burning down a barn or something.) These things help me dissipate that energy.

I try never never to direct my anger at another person. Won't give you my record on that one tho...:whistling::bag:

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

It depends. If I catch it early enough I can sometimes say to a person that they're making me angry. Most often though it explodes out of me in a barrage of cuss words and shouting. Unfortunately I've said things that have hurt people and made them angry. I don't like doing this. I'm not proud of it. But I also know I'm sitting on decades of pain and anger and as a result I'm very reactive. It's pretty easy to make me angry. So when I notice anger brewing in me I tend to isolate before I start screaming.

 

[Eleanor]

I notice anger brewing in me I tend to isolate before I start screaming

Given what you said this sounds sensible. And the story needs to continue - when you isolate do you try to figure out what need of yours is not being met, and try to figure out how to meet it yourself, or how to ask others for help? Do you try to get that energy OUT somehow? What do you do once you've gotten yourself safely away from others?

I wish more T's did the kind of practice mine does. In my experience most T's are pretty cerebral - mostly cognitive. But my T - while she does some of that, does a lot more deep work with emotions, particularly old stuck emotions. She has me focus on the feeling in my body, ask it what it wants to say (usually it is something short, "I don't matter" or "No one cares about me" that kind of thing.) and then has me say it over and over and over (and lots of emotion comes up) until... it shifts and there is not so much energy behind it any more. And then say it a few more times... and then talk a bit. I've had particularly intense sessions where afterward I can't remember what they were about - I was obsessing about whatever it was before the session, but after it is just... gone. I don't have PTSD, so I can't say it would work for that, but for lesser things, old stuck pattern, garden variety old pain and fear, it works like a champ for me and the other people I've seen her work with.

 

[DMerish]

I prefer letting people know who I am and asking for what I'd like upfront. I usually handle compromising well, and I can accept "no" for an answer. When I do get angered, my tone of voice lowers, becomes firm or rather staccato, and I speak more slowly in short sentences. But I can't speak that way with my either of my male bosses. :eek:

I take a more of a demure and feminine approach with my bosses, softly saying "I'm not comfortable doing ____ because ____". Then we talk and work things out. I need to concede to their wishes at times, and if I become frustrated doing so, I try to hide it. Afterwards, ASAP, I'll take a brisk walk or get on my bicycle. If I feel someone's insulted me, I'll look at them rather surprised-like manner and say "Ouch!" It usually gets their attention and elicits an apology. A lot depends on the person and circumstance.

If I perceive someone (including myself) being mistreated, that can make me angered. But I don't get angered by people often. I do, however, get angry with "things" often - bank error not in my favor? I'm apt to loudly demand the error be corrected immediately! Clothes in the dryer not drying fast enough? I'll stand in front of it and tap my food for a few minutes. That'll hurry it up! Waffle maker not working? I'll stare at it intensely, get my two brain cells rubbing together real fast and use my super-powerful-incredible mind to make it work! :sneaky: Then I'll cuss at it :mad: for not being sensitive enough to pick up the message. And if it still doesn't work I'm apt to cause it physical harm. :meh:

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Given what you said this sounds sensible. And the story needs to continue - when you isolate do you try to figure out what need of yours is not being met, and try to figure out how to meet it yourself, or how to ask others for help? Do you try to get that energy OUT somehow? What do you do once you've gotten yourself safely away from others?

When I first go in my room to isolate I don't necessarily try to figure out what need hasn't been met. I usually know exactly what made me angry. I'm pretty aware of the things that trigger my anger. And in those moments I'm very triggered.

I think about who said or did what and why it made me angry. Like if someone tried to shut me up that will almost always trigger my anger. And I know that that is a trigger for me and why. So I'll sit there fuming. Sometimes I'll post here in my trauma diary ranting and cussing. Other times I've literally beat up my pillows and my bed.

In those moments not only do I NOT want anything from anyone the last thing I want is help. I want to be left completely and totally alone until I calm down and want to talk to someone I trust and really rant and get it off my chest. The big thing is I need to calm down. And then I'll want the help of a trusted person to talk to. But it has to be when I'm ready. Otherwise it just gets drawn out. I can't stand to have my space invaded if I don't want or I'm not able to share my space yet.

I've said it before. When I isolate its like a protective barrier. And since I never feel safe anywhere else I definitely need to feel safe in my isolation. Sometimes I need my space. And I need to feel safe. And I need to feel safe in my space. If that gets intruded on I feel almost violated and it will definitely trigger my anger. I mean if I can't trust you to respect my space when I need it then we have a problem. Really it's a bad idea to impose things on survivors of sexual abuse survivors of rape and others considering being imposed on was part of the problem.