How Do You Get People To Stop Triggering You?

[Abstract]

I can't speak now but you did amazingly and were very brave. You should be proud of yourself and it isn't your fault.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you @Abstract.

I get why you can't speak now, isn't it the middle of the night over there?

 

[sun seeker]

It's her fear of saying anything and having to be so careful that makes me feel guilty.

But if it's hard for her, what is it like for me??

I guess this will be the acid test. Will she stick around now she has this new information? Will she see enough else that is good about our friendship that it balances out how careful she feels she has to be?

 

[sun seeker]

I got back up and changed my last post. Paranoid of me, I know. I get afraid sometimes of people figuring out who I am and that leading to being even more alone.

 

[Sideways]

I think if you've shared as much with this friend as you have, it's worth trying to salvage things. She already has a lot of info on board, and sometimes, with the best of intentions, the people that do genuinely care for us resort to unhelpful things like "just snap out of it" and "just don't think about it so much" (etc etc) when they just don't know what to do, except that they desperately want to do something...

This suggestion flies in the face of common sense, but if you've tried to explain triggers using the right language, what about trying language that just elicits the right "response" and to hell with the scientific accuracy. Like:

"When you talk about ... that triggers my ptsd. Triggering my ptsd is like putting a tiant spider on the table in front of an arachnophobe - total and complete irrational meltdown. That topic is the giant spider, and I'm the arachnophobe, so it's gonna help me if you just don't go there. Like ever".

Maybe remove the brain and the memory and the processing and the amygdala and everything else from the equation. When she looks at you, when she talks to you, all that mumbo jumbo that we need to know about isn't helpful to how she's communicating with you. Simplify and dramatise - maybe she's got a better chance of remembering to not put a great big proverbial spider in front of you...?

 

[sun seeker]

I feel so worthless. Now I have this friend who is going to avoid saying much of anything to me in case of triggering me. Another who asked me if I have "tried not to be triggered." There is no one now except my therapist I can talk to if things get really bad, and things get really bad very often. I've been working on getting out in the world and doing more, and now I don't even want to leave the house because I feel like I have a big neon sign over my forehead proclaiming how different I am from the rest of the world.

I just read this thread about a similar issue:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/how-to-tell-my-friend-he-accidentally-triggered-me.56674/

Almost everyone responding to it was adamant that it's our responsibility to deal with our triggers and we shouldn't even tell anyone. "Deal with them in therapy and leave other people out of it, it's our responsibility, not theirs."

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead: If it were that easy to deal with my triggers in therapy, I would have already. What are we supposed to do in the meantime, stay inside and never answer the door?

I hate myself now. Just hate myself. I don't ever want to go anywhere or talk to anyone ever again.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am at a loss of what to say that would support you. Please do not hate yourself so much. :hug:

 

[Ava Jarvis]

@sun seeker - You are not worthless. You are a human being, and you have survived so much, and you are awesome. You are here, and you care about your friend, and you want the relationship to be good. All indications of you = awesome. I know, though, this is really hard, if not impossible, to see right now, so I am telling you straight.

Also, I looked at that thread, and sigh. This is a really nuanced issue, and I think that frankly people are so horribly abused by society's insistence that we must always control our feelings, that it's our fault if what other people do/say cause us to feel badly.

This is so cold and non-empathetic. And also makes no sense.

I think a lot of people don't have friends who can be totally with us when we are at our lowest. I am just f*cking lucky to find one friend (I mean, I have a handful I'd call friends, 3 who I'd trust deeply—but only ONE who I know can understand me that deeply) who is that awesome. Before this friend, I was so convinced that I had to work to keep the ones I had, that I had to take every pain that they triggered totally on me and NEVER tell them, because like, I totally had to keep friends. Right?

Here is the thing.

A true friend who triggers you, and you tell them about that trigger, will say, "Ah. Okay, I'll try not to do that any more. I'm sorry I triggered you. I'll do better in the future, because I care about you."

You see, in the strictest sense, no, it isn't their fault that you have this trigger. But they still caused you pain. INTENT DOES NOT ERASE PAIN. Are we playing a blame game if we ask them to not trigger us in the future? f*cking no. We are trying to make sure we don't hurt them AND they don't hurt us, thus improving the friendship and providing 100% more time for ice cream and movies.

To this date, I have only found one person who will do this for me. And they have also only found one person who will do this for them (and it is me).

Now, it is true that we cannot always share our most traumatic experiences all the time, because we both have limits in terms of what we can take any particular day and how traumatized we are, etc. We always set our boundaries—and we respect each other's boundaries.

But to me, this is the golden template. The golden goose, the golden cup, whatever.

This is the conversation that needs to happen repeatedly:

"I set this boundary. Please don't cross it."
"Cool with me. I have this other boundary. Please don't cross it."
"Fine with me. Let's go to Baskin Robbins and then see Captain America: Civil War."

And both sides must stick to not crossing that boundary.

Honestly, friendships where people hide their boundaries from each other and never tell the other when that boundary is crossed and causes them pain? They are lesser friendships. We can choose to accept these lesser friendships, sure, but we should NEVER EVER EVER say that those friendships are ideal in any f*cking way.

Anyways, if you need someone to talk to, I am here as much as possible.

 

[Sideways]

@sun seeker - at first, I was equally mortified by the concept that I should shut my mouth and keep my meltdowns nicely contained within my therapy sessions and friends shouldn't be called upon to help us out...

Really? If that's the case, having friends seems like a whole lot more work than it's worth. I'm with you, best stay locked away at home then.

The I took a moment to read that thread and, um, really actually that's not quite the message of that thread. It's a good summary of one post in particular, but really not the vibe I was picking up from the rest of the posts.

So, you and me can come out from under our respective rocks again:). The general consensus in the other thread seemed to be (1) geez, are you okay because it sounds like that trigger was a really nasty one; and (2) once you are okay, have a mull over how you reacted and what sort of help you're looking for from your friend...which is exactly what you're doing:)

Please please don't give up on this. That wasn't the message from that last thread (taken as a whole) and it's not the message of this thread...

 

[Abstract]

Hi @sun seeker

I can see why you are upset but this isn't your fault and you haven't done anything wrong.

As for sharing with others and responsibility this is the way I see it: Yes our triggers aren't others fault. But respecting a boundary as best as someone is able to do is the person responsibility. It doesn't make them evil or bad if they don't but it does mean we have a right to try to look after ourselves. I agree with some things said on the other thread and disagree with some of it. And there are some fundamental differences between your situation and that one. (you have already tried the first step and set a boundary in place but it wasnt enough to get your friend to understand or desist. And it sounded like you would have had to stop seeing her if you didnt try something more).

I think you can very quickly tell from peoples language if they are demonising the person that triggered them and putting unfair responsibility onto them. Making it them. I never saw anything of that in what you wrote here, What I saw was that you wanted your friend to stop when you said stop. And you wanted to keep your friendship and try to stay as safe as possible. The way I see it your telling her was a way of trusting her and of trying to keep your friendship.

I very rarely tell anyone anything but I don't see that as ideal. In the past I would take too much responsibility for others feelings. Now it is because I am not trusting enough and am overly private. Our triggers are not anyones fault other than the perpetrators. It is our job to work on healing but that doesn;t mean that we can't ask others to back off of certain things. Like you rightly said - you will be triggered at some point, You just want her to stop when you ask her to,

You feel for your friend and that is a normal human thing to feel. It doesnt mean that you are bad or defective or any of those things, You are just human with an injury and trying to find a way to have relationships and still stay safer.I agree with Muse on the other thread that all people warn others off topics in their relationships in some way.

Why dont you write her a card and drop it off. Tell her that that triggers are not her fault and you hope she knows that. That its rather just about doing things that can keep you safer. That you appreciate her and are sorry if all this is upsetting for her.

I hope you are being kind to yourself.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you everyone for your concern and support. I wish I could answer and do justice to each reply, but I can't right now. I am feeling so discouraged, even breathing is an effort. There needs to be education about this condition is what I'm thinking. End the victim blaming. Don't know what else to say.

 

[Mafia_Science]

Hey sun seeker. Sorry about your friend.

I don't make people stop triggering me. Although incredibly unpleasant, I need to get over it somehow, and repeated exposure to the triggers are what I need. If we all just didn't say anything that could potentially trigger someone, there wouldn't be much to say. Anything can be a trigger, every inanimate object, every word, every name, etc.

Although hard, I often need a reality check. I need to get over what happened years ago and realize that it's only hard to talk about for me because I made it hard to talk about.