How Do You Handle Friendships With People Who Don't Get It?

[sun seeker]

I'll start by saying that I have only a few friends, and don't make them easily. Those few friendships I have, I cherish. Mostly they are with people with abuse issues of their own who are actively working on themselves. It takes that element of shared life experience for me to feel comfortable with someone.

But I have one friend who does not have any of these issues. We have been friends for many years and I value a lot of things about her. In general, she is a caring, giving person who is fun to be around. We do things together like go for walks or play board games. There is a long history and a lot of mutual friends and acquaintances. But I am having increasing trouble knowing how to be friends with her since I shared some deeper things about my history of abuse, which I now think was a mistake but I can't undo it.

I know that a person who does not have PTSD will never really understand. Okay... then what? I learned soon after this that if I shared a little of what I was going through, I would get a very unhelpful response. The thing is I don't know how to respond to her responses without being rude. She just can't get her mind around what I am going through, and I've only shared the tip of the iceberg, at that. I think it makes her too uncomfortable to accept how much some people suffer and that there isn't always an easy solution. If I bring up a problem, she immediately jumps in with advice that is simplistic and miles from fitting the situation, or with a problem of her own that bears no real comparison. She also keeps making insensitive comments that trigger me.

Some time ago I told her I don't want advice, but she seems to have trouble remembering that, so I have stopped telling her anything about my more serious problems. Is the only solution to this to keep the friendship on a superficial level? I've withdrawn from her in the past few months because I just don't know how to be around her. I've stopped talking about anything except practical things in my own life and focused more on her, but it feels stressful to spend too much time with someone who is on such a different wavelength. I haven't said anything about how some of her comments hurt me, but sometimes I sit there gritting my teeth, trying not to show my panicky feelings, wishing I knew how to.

All I know to do in situations like this is withdraw, but this is the only friend I have in this town, and she really is a good person in general, just not very sensitive. Any ideas about how to make this easier?

 

[Seasounds]

Some time ago I told her I don't want advice, but she seems to have trouble remembering that, so I have stopped telling her anything about my more serious problems. Is the only solution to this to keep the friendship on a superficial level?

Due to her past behavior, demonstrating that she doesn't know how to respect your wishes, and demonstrating that she doesn't have the capacity to understand your situation, I would say, yes. You are exercising a lot of wisdom: don't share details and expect understanding, from someone who can't reciprocate .

Sorry for you pain. I relate; I recently dealt with something identical to your situation.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

If I bring up a problem, she immediately jumps in with advice that is simplistic and miles from fitting the situation, or with a problem of her own that bears no real comparison. She also keeps making insensitive comments that trigger me.

@sun seeker based on what you said to me this doesn't sound like a very supportive friend. I had a bad experience by telling some things to a friend of mine and he said I should be thankful and grateful to my parents. I told him how hurt I was about what he said and he intentionally repeated it again. Later on he apologized over a text message but I still don't believe his apology. For now, I am keeping him at a distance because he is having a very negative influence on me. It sounds that your friend is also having a very negative influence on you by making insensitive comments that are triggering you. Perhaps you can distance yourself from her for a while and see how you feel.

Another option is to tell her how you feel about the things she is saying to you. If she decides to make an honest effort to improve then she is a good friend. If not then you don't need her. I know easier said then done.

 

[Dee Morris]

I have many acquaintances that I keep at a superficial level. People like that just don't get it and likely never will. It sucks but it is what it is. I'd rather enjoy casual contact and avoid setting myself up for disappointment when they (yet again) say something insensitive and feel hurt and disappointed.

 

[Friday]

No one can be all things to all people, but most of us can be something to someone.

Just because she's special to you, and means something to you... Doesn't mean she has to fill all roles, you know? That's one of the benefits of being around many people; the differences & points of intersection.

When I have a lot of friends, I rarely get them all under one roof. They'd kill each other. Instead I have dancing friends, and sports friends, work friends, & travel buds. I get things from these relationships, as do they, but rarely are we ever closest confidante to each other. Instead, there are aspects of ourselves that we like & respect about each other. The points of conflict, meanwhile, don't outweigh the benefit. It leads to a rich and varied set of relationships, with diverse people, and my life is deeply deeply better for them. They're not all my besties / soul mates / brother by another mother. Those individuals are few and far between. But it doesn't make the friends who don't meet that incredibly rare standard worthless. They have a great deal of value.

 

[sun seeker]

I can get my mind around this, but my heart is not convinced. I tell myself, okay, just don't share anything with her and keep things more superficial. But I feel resentful. I don't feel this around people I have never tried to share more with. It's something about going backwards, from a deeper level of sharing to a more superficial relationship, that I am having trouble doing. Probably, it reminds me too much of my family, who are all very insensitive and uncaring. I feel like I should be able to do this, that it would be a mature way to behave, so I have been going through the motions of being okay with it, but what I actually feel when I am with her is mostly more stress. I guess I'm a step ahead having figured out that much.

I had a bad experience by telling some things to a friend of mine and he said I should be thankful and grateful to my parents.

I can understand how hurtful that would have been. It sounds like this is someone who either has no idea of what your relationship with your parents has been like, or who is in denial about his own feelings. Either way, pretty much a conversation stopper.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

It's something about going backwards, from a deeper level of sharing to a more superficial relationship, that I am having trouble doing. Probably, it reminds me too much of my family, who are all very insensitive and uncaring. I feel like I should be able to do this, that it would be a mature way to behave, so I have been going through the motions of being okay with it, but what I actually feel when I am with her is mostly more stress. I guess I'm a step ahead having figured out that much.

Just wanted to say I feel this way too sometimes. My parents are not there for me emotionally, not that they are awful parents or anything, and I tend to be desperate from support from non-family since I can't get it from them. I recently had a very good experience confiding to someone I'd kept at a classmate/homework buddy spot for a while, and that felt good, to open up and have him hear me and be truly empathetic, especially since his girlfriend had been sexually assaulted and he was so lost what to do he saw a therapist just to learn how to help! 2-way confiding works great.

But there was another time when I tried to confide to someone I'd been getting to know at college, who immediately told me he'd had a suicidal friend in the past, who benefited from institutional therapy and needed expert help, and he said I needed to see a professional, and he couldn't help. He obviously got burned before, and I realized, he just wanted to keep a light social life. He then pretty much shut me out. It hurt. That was when I learned the lesson, you have to imagine how a person might react and try confiding just a little and see how they respond.

It hurts when you get a bad reaction. You might need time away from her to heal. She may not have hurt you on purpose, but you sound hurt. If you can forgive her (not that you sound like you blame her) and let it go, try to keep her. You tested the waters and got back on the dock before any real damage was done, and maybe you feel like you shouldn't have gone in the water, but now you are on the dock and you can take your time deciding what to do. It sounds like if you try to tell her she hurt you, she might just make the same mistake, because she is not learning anything so far. You might have to "forget about it" if you can. Friends do come and go. It's hard if she's the closest one geographically. It's hard to make a new one fast enough to make up for her loss, if you do continue to feel resentful.

This is a tough one. I am sorry. I hope you can keep her and feel at peace with the level of confidence that she is able to provide.

 

[Lionheart]

@sun seeker Just a suggestion.....I think it might be beneficial to write down what you want to say to your friend about your feelings and then tell them how you feel and see if they start to get it.

If you have already tried this a few times and they are not responding well, then they are probably not going to be a good support person for you and that bites.

Still, I like what @FridayJones had to say...no one can be all things to all people. I know that doesn't make ya feel any better about your friends lack of understanding, but I wish you all the best with the friends that do get it.

I have one person who thought you had to have been in combat to get PTSD. They didn't get it, but they later made an effort to understand.

It all depends on the person, I think.

I have been disabled with PTSD for 16 years, so I am one who understands and you can chat me up anytime.

My best to you,
Lion

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

To be honest with you, a LOT of my friends know what PTSD is and they know my life story. I don't need to explain it to anyone else and if other people "don't get it", then maybe they need an education by being in my mind to know the horrors I faced growing up. One person said to me, "It's only a military issue, isn't it?" I scoff at their ignorance and just say, "I don't know, does being raped, having your friends shot and killed and getting beaten by your family a military issue?"

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Mabe you have outgrown your friend and you need new things she is either unwilling or unable to give to you.

Unless a person has gone through something like you have they will never understand I have learned.

You are learning and growing right now and it does not sound like your friend is being insensitive. I understand all of the feelings that go with this type of experience.

I know now that my friends are not my therapist and so I do not share what is really going on with me anymore. I try to keep things positive and light with my friends.

Until she has experienced what you have experienced she will never be able to understand what you are going through. Just some thoughts and my opinion. I wish you the very best.

 

[sun seeker]

I was trying to think of why it is so hard for me to have friends that I don't share with on a personal level, and this has actually been a helpful process. There's nothing like going for a long walk to sort out your ideas.

It isn't that my other friendships are based on deeper sharing or have to be that way all the time. It's that with people whose life experience has enough in common with mine, I can relax more. We could be talking about the weather, but there is an underlying understanding that makes me feel at ease.

The most important thing I realized is it comes down to chronic shame: feeling different from most people in a way that isn't acceptable. It isn't really about whether this friend can understand me or not so much as that I still feel as though my experience of life is wrong. Even in superficial relationships based on shared activities, there is a certain amount of conversation going on that usually assumes certain things about life that for a person with PTSD just aren't real. Why don't I have a career or a full-time job? Why am I tired so much of the time? Why do I avoid any activity involving crowds? Why is talking about my family so uncomfortable? Why am I not interested in dating? Etc. A person with solid self esteem might be able to answer these questions simply and directly. I don't know how to without giving more information than is comfortable in a superficial situation like that, and I feel like a member of a different species. This is less about my friend than I thought it was, and more about my discomfort with knowing that I am indeed different. Not a good kind of different, more like someone with three heads, purple warts and a tail kind of different.

 

[Nico]

I'll just share it's even hard for me with my friends and family that don't understand PTSD. I'm not the one with PTSD, but my guy is. I realized they were being a bit too influential on my thoughts even though I wasn't seeking advice. I was just airing out my thoughts. They made me feel worse instead of better about what I'm going through. I know they're trying to be supportive, but I realize I can't talk to my BFF anymore about this situation. She's too accusatory and judgmental, and she's also someone who feels she's always right (and I don't have the desire to argue over it). She has no idea how much of an emotional roller coaster I have been through. I don't need someone pointing out something I may have said during this process. She wasn't the one who waited 7 months for a deployed boyfriend. She wasn't the one who had to endure a deployed boyfriend returning only to push you out and go silent. How can anyone possibly relate and offer advice if they've never been through that or studied PTSD?