How Do You Handle Friendships With People Who Don't Get It?

[sun seeker]

How can anyone possibly relate and offer advice if they've never been through that or studied PTSD?

In my experience they can't, but there may be exceptions. I'll say one thing I have noticed, though, and I wonder if anyone can relate. There is a certain amount of imagination, for want of a better word, that comes with having been through terrible things and being willing to work on yourself. An ability to put yourself in another person's shoes would be another way to put it. So even if you haven't experienced a particular really bad thing, you are still able to imagine how it would be and know how to empathize with someone who has been there. There are a whole lot of very bad things that have not happened to me - thank God - but at this point I honestly don't think there is anything in the breadth of human experience that I wouldn't be able to imagine, and find some points in common with people who have gone through those things. I find that same ability in some of my friends who also have abuse issues.

On the other hand, people who have had more sheltered lives often seem afraid or unwilling to venture out of their little box of "what constitutes human experience". I get the sense that it scares them to realize that much of life is beyond their control, that sometimes terrible things do happen, and that some people do suffer greatly and there isn't always a solution. I think this is why the friend I was talking about originally can't get her mind around not offering advice. It's too threatening for her to accept that some people, including people she knows and cares about, might be suffering on an ongoing basis and there is nothing she can do to make it go away. It's easier to, in a way, blame the sufferer, even though she doesn't put it in exactly those words, but that's what it feels like if I talk about some ongoing problem and she jumps in asking whether I've tried this or that (which is always something so obvious I have difficulty not rolling my eyes in impatience) or that I need to do such and such (same deal). I keep wanting to say "Do you think I'm stupid enough not to know that (or lazy enough not to have tried it a hundred times already)?"

A majority of people, I think, live in a bubble protected by the belief that if you do what you are supposed to do, nothing bad will happen to you, institutions are there to take care of you, and if people are suffering it must be because they are doing something wrong. I sometimes want to scream "Grow up!" But I don't. I keep my head down and blame myself instead, and avoid contaminating their pristine lives.

Sorry, I'm not usually this cynical. This thread has made me realize how much shame I need to work through.