General How Do You Handle It When.......

[adeline]

Sue, It honestly amazes me...the people who I thought were my friends and loved my husband and I have now either snubbed their nose up to the idea he has PTSD or have all together told me that I am better off without him. I have slowly but surely lost almost every friend that I have had here on the island but one person because of their insensitive comments. I look at them when they say that they couldn't stick by and I say..."So you didn't take your vows seriously did you?". And they look at me blankly like what does my vows have to do with it. I had one wife say its not the same thing and all I could do was walk away. I wanted to hit her and tell her what a worthless human being she was and what a worthless wife she was for saying that, but i took the high road. I love him more than I have loved anyone, and although there are times when I want to throw the towel in...I sit back and remember what it was like before and the reason why I fell in love with him. And then i look at our sons and think what kind of mom would I be if I told them that love was conditional on only good times. It amazes me how military people especially think they immune to this happening to them. Its almost like PTSD is the plague and if they come near you its like they will pass it on to their vet. I try to educate our family and what not and its hard. And even worse with my friends. But i am lucky that I have a small group of people that I keep close to my heart and to understand and are patient with our situation with no judgement. I mean his Aunt is one of my biggest supporters, my mother not so much. In her defense she has her own PTSD from an abusive relationship. And seeing her son in law treat her daughter in a negative aggressive manner sets her on this wave of emotions. I think that those people who say those things and leave weren't meant to be life long friends or supporters and your better off without them to be honest...just my opinion

adeline

 

[Mockingbird13]

I am reading your post about friends - real ones, ones that have left, etc etc... I have lost many of my friends as well, they just dont understand, or dont want to be bothered. Many of them thought my husband was an a**hole and could not understand why I stick with him despite everything he did, and the way he treats me. Some have even described me as an "abused spouse" (mentally) . And I guess at times they are right..but you know, he's my husband, I love and support him. This is not his fault - Yes he moved out, but he is getting help, and I know things are not going to get better overnight. Im not disalusioned to the fact that he has changed,and that things will never be as they once were, but is this a reason to give up ?​

I do get uncomfortable when some people look at as me as some kind of martyr..c'mon give me a break - I handle that by just saying thank you and nothing more. Let them think whatever.​

Sometimes I feel when they (friends) dont know what to say they resort to those awkward comments. Im not rude, but I also kindly remind them that its just me, and that I'm sure if tables were turned, he would be doing the same for me.​

None of us asked for this - but its here. There is no right answer or one cure - but as a carers we all have a common bond that we love and support and learn from each other.​

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

None of us asked for this - but its here. There is no right answer or one cure - but as a carers we all have a common bond that we love and support and learn from each other.​

Hi MB13
Our lives are far from straight forward but the above is what makes us strong. When your isolated it's so much more of a struggle. Thanks Anthony for setting this site up and to everyone who contributes.

Love & respect. x

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

None of us asked for this - but its here. There is no right answer or one cure - but as a carers we all have a common bond that we love and support and learn from each other.​

Hi. So I'm curious how your friends and family know your sufferer has PTSD? I don't tell anyone. I figure it is his story and if he wants people to know, he'll tell them. He seems to have a pretty severe case but has a good public face so most people don't notice anything other than he is forgetful and doesn't always show up when we plan things. However, I do find that this isolates me and I wish I had someone who understood. So I found these forums and have found a lot of useful information so far. I really appreciate how supportive people here are to those going through a crisis. My sufferer left 6 days ago and other than 2 texts, I haven't heard a thing. I'm hoping he'll come home soon because I'm making myself a little crazy but these forums are helping. Thanks for opening up online so others (like me)don't feel so alone.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Hi. So I'm curious how your friends and family know your sufferer has PTSD? I don't tell anyone. I figure it is his story and if he wants people to know, he'll tell them. (like me).

Hi There, You are correct it is his story to tell, and I dont just tell anybody - I actually kept it to myself for quite awhile after he moved out (just like you I also never hear from him but an occasional text here and there) - But after a bit of time I did feel his Mom and Dad did need to know - I did not get into specifics, but I made them aware of PTSD and why their son had suddenly switched gears. I also had to explain to our daughters after a bit of time - Why you may ask, because the all began to resent and even hate this person that resembled their Dad, but wasnt - mind you they are old enough to understand.

My approach may or may not have the best, but I truly believe they needed to know - I advised them to research the topic on their own, so they could understand - I also requested that they not bring it to his attention, but when and if he finally did open up them, they would be able to understand better.

This is not something I choose to publicize to his work, or some friends - really just family.

Where I can really open up and talk ablut it without getting the deer in the headlight looks is at the V.A. - I joined a support group of spouses (men and women) that have family members that suffer from PTSD/ TBI - We cry, we laugh, we connect in ways that I cant with like my work friends.

- FYI - Mine has now been gone for a year, I dont know where he is, but he does stop by occasionaly - I hope you and yours are able to work together through this.

 

[Steph_F]

It's so hard. I'm crying reading some of these posts. I'm so glad you guys understand!! Just tonight I was defending my soldier and our relationship from my sister of all people. I have studied PTSD and am still struggling to come to terms that someone that I love so much got slammed with this god-forsaken disorder just doing his part in protecting the freedom of others (Iraq '03 and '05). From my sister's point of view however I can understand, if someone put her through the hell I let my guy put me through, I guess I might dislike that guy as well. She just thinks that PTSD is just a excuse. :( This hurts me so much. Even my mom, who is a nurse, feels that I would be better off without him. But the good times are outweighing the bad times, if the bad starts outweighing the good I might have to rethink things, but right now, I smile more than I cry, so I'm going to push forward with him, beside, in front or behind him, wherever he needs me the most. Its just so hard sometimes to have to find the strength within myself to cope and not let it all out to my family and friends. But like I told my honey, a love that isn't worth fighting for isn't worth having. He makes me stronger and smarter and more self-resilient than I have ever been before and it's that what a great relationship supposed to do? Make you better than before. :)

Thank you ladies so much!! I am so glad we are not alone!! *hugs to all*

~Stephanie

 

[ktmarie71]

I am taking a chance here. my husband has ptsd from his time in Iraq and he has been very good about seeking treatment but recently he is really struggling and has been going into rages the last two days. its been 7 years since he was wounded. I thought I was really good at reading the signs but didnt see this coming. Im scare. Im desperate and I need some help.
I know he feels forgotten and alone and he needs the support of his Army buddies and I need some too. I think this could all spiral out of control and he could end up hurting me or our child or God forbid commitiing suicide. He talked a little about that tonight when he settled down..just that he has thought of it.
So in a totally desperate move I reached out to our friends. I completely outted us as a family struggling because I cant do this alone anymore.
Its a risky move I know...but since he retired we dont have people around who understand. Also its hard to make friends when your husband is so anti-social, guarded and has a tendency to be unpleasant at random moments. I think he needs the support of people who already know he is a great guy and know his history already. Its just been too painful for him to let new people in.
I didnt do it out of disrespect or trying to shame him...but this silence thing isnt working...he is in danger and I will do anything to save him. It is his story to tell but the thing is I think he is scared to tell it and I am counting on our friends to show their support and give him some much needed validation or if they cant do that, then we need to let them go. I guess we really will see who are friends are and weed out the duds now. please be kind in your responses... I am exhuasted and a little more fragile than normal...I am really scared and feel very alone and backed into a corner.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Dear ktmarie71 and Mockingbird13,

Big hugs and love to you for opening up. My remark about it being his story to tell was just my way of saying that I haven't told anyone, not that you shouldn't tell those who need to know. Maybe I should tell people but I just haven't found the.... courage, I guess. There are people who need to know and it sounds like you both did the absolute right thing for your situations. That appears to be the thing about PTSD...while there are so many striking similarities, each situation is different. That is why I find these forums to very helpful because I'm getting different perspectives and they all make so much sense.

Please stay in these forums and know that you are not alone. We know. We know just a small part of what you are going through and are here for you. Warm hugs and support to both of you and to all of the Veterans who suffer and the carers who suffer right along with them.

Redheaded Stranger

 

[wife of]

Dear all,we all come to this forum with our loved ones at various stages of this awful condition,some people whilst being diagnosed will have symptoms that difficult to handle but will be at a manageable stage,others will be at an absolute free falling crisis,all are individuals and what works for one will not work for another but my advice to anyone at any stage would be that the minute you are in fear for either your own safety or the safety of others then people have to know.....

 

[Steph_F]

ktmarie71...hang in there! I bet it's scary to think that you know someone and think you have a handle on things and then out of nowhere a whole new set of emotions and rage blindsides you...kinda leaves you breathless, doesn't it?? That's the way I always feel anyway. First and foremost, be safe! Keep your child safe! PTSD (in my opinion) makes people unpredicable and very volatile as I'm sure you have seen. You can not be of any help to your husband if you are not of sound mind and body yourself.

I think its ok to share our soldiers' stories here and anywhere and at any time when you are frightened for them and for yourself. They say that in combat and at war people do things that are out of the ordinary, because the whole situation is out of the ordinary. Normally you would not be telling your honey's business to other people, but you are in a sort of a war yourself. Do what you think is best and know that you are doing it out of love.

Good luck...stay close by and let us know how things are working out for you, ok?

~Steph

 

[Mockingbird13]

What was tough at the beginning , was not knowing what the heck was happening - We went from happy to Crappy in a slow spiral in about 2 years - never fathoming it was PTSD . He kept it from me and I beleive he tried to keep it from himself.

It hurts to know how much he was suffering internaly all these years before finaly coming forth and getting help.

WHats tough also is when you leave the base, and the retire, you as well as they are alone- no one can relate, not one can understand. - I am blessed I found this site as well as a spouses support group through my local V.A. - Being a Vet myself also gave me a better understanding of everything - I dont like it,, but I understand.

Most of our mutual friends know nothing - and just see another marriage splitting up and wonder why I still hung on for so long... but supporters know the real deal.

 

[NikkiNikki]

Hi. So I'm curious how your friends and family know your sufferer has PTSD? .

I did not tell anyone my ex had PTSD until after he "checked out" from my life out of the blue. Before that I didn't think it was important to tell anyone because there was not really anything to tell. I never noticed anything wrong with him Then after our breakup I thought it was important for my friends and family to know why he did what he did. Most people say I am better off without him as well. I don't agree because he was a great guy, but yeah I would have probably said the same thing if it happened to someone I cared about.