How Do You Keep Going?

[Jobriel]

I am feeling so overwhelmed and alone right now. I have three young children who are my favorite people, but trying to take care of them while dealing with trauma stuff and DID is just too much for me. I end up being pathetic at everything. I am not the mother I want to be because I am so focused on what is going on in my head and body that I can't give them the attention they want. I can't be a good wife because being touched makes me nauseated, and giving in to being touched makes people in my head pissed off at me. I am expected to act normally and do all of the things women are supposed to do, and I just want to scream that it is too much. I can't handle it! I have a really good life, but I don't deserve it because I can't appreciate it. I am gone off into the recesses of my mind most of the time and don't even experience all of the beautiful things around me. I don't even know who I am. How am I supposed to keep going with normal life when I don't know who I am? I just want to quit, but how pathetic is it to be suicidal when I have a wonderful family, a home, food, and loved ones? My kids deserve a mother who is present and whole. I'm sorry for sounding so pathetic. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to feel this way any more.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I feel the same way very often...so, so often. Such a beautiful life, and beautiful people who deserve a beautiful me...but I don't have that to give them right now.

Two things I'm doing: not letting in the guilt (gotta stop with the messages of self condemnation), and treasuring whatever layer of goodness around me that I can access. Oh and one more...not giving up.

I tend to beat myself up for not being the mom/wife they deserve. But I'm here, and that counts for something. So I try to give myself credit for what I do, rather than focusing so much on all the ways I fail.

Kids need so much, but there's beauty in them too, and even if I can't immerse myself in that beauty...I try to notice a beautiful smile, or relish a new accomplishment, or acknowledge their own growth processes...any little thing. That way I know I'm not missing ALL of it.

It's so hard, I know. But we're changing our family trees...we're investing in a process of change and creating momentum that they will benefit from. They'll have the opportunity to grab onto it like a baton to take it to an even higher level. It's a struggle...but it's an investment into the generations to come.

I try to remember that my happiness isn't really the issue here...it's a question of what I'm contributing. It will take multiple generations to fully make the change, and the question is, will my generation contribute progress or further destruction?

 

[Intrepid]

How am I supposed to keep going with normal life when I don't know who I am? I

Makes sense. Like @DogwoodTree said:

we're changing our family trees

I've discovered a lot of who I am, and made some fundamental changes. But it's taken time. I realize now that I don't have to fix everything in my life. I'm a single parent. I have had extra help for my daughter through a family friend I moved in to my basement for 3 years, and a cousin for the following 2 years. These were times when I couldn't function as the dad I needed to be.

If everything else seems to be in place it may be a really good time to put the focus on you and finding out who you really are.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I was raising my children I felt so bad as a mom and wife as well. My self esteem was non exisistent and I knew that they deserved better but looking back now I did the best I could with what I was learning and loved them. I did not like sex at all so I thought that my husband deserved better as well.

I was in therapy and overwhelmed with PTSD symptoms and flash backs and I hated and loathed myself. But my husband and my children loved me so very much and were always telling me how good I was and that they loved me. My son died a few years ago on a motorcyle accident and I miss him very much but he told me once that I was his counselor.

Today I am thriving having raised my kids and my husband died two years ago and i am overwhelmed with happy memories of us together.

I now have two granddaughters and I think that I make a better grandmother than I did as a mom now that I only have to manage symptoms. I know that I will always have PTSD and I will have my share of bad days still, but I love myself now and my daughter loves me very much and tells me that I had better live for years to come.

I would say no matter how bad and overwhelmed you are feeling just keep putting one foot in front of the other and learn to silence the inner abusers that hate you.

I can relate so much to what you are going through. Please do not give up on yourself because you are a good wife and mother in spite of how you are feeling. Like you I had no good role models to follow nor any good memories of my abusive parents and grandparents.

I broke the cycle of abuse by getting therapy for myself and working very hard to change and to get healthier. My daughter says that in spite of the hell I grew up with I am nothing like my abusive and toxic family and that I am her hero because of this.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the best you can with what you are learning and you too will change for the better and it does get better eventually. The journey is long and hard to healing and recovery. I do not believe there is a cure and I will always have issues and the occasional nightmare etc.

You are not as bad as you think you are and you are better than you think you are. I will believe this for you if you cannot. I wish you the best.

 

[Oif 1-3]

My fellow Vet, I don't have the answers for you.I just wanted to say I feel the same way. This July 4th and many many have not been good for me. Sgt Michael Barkey lost his life on July 7th, 2004 in Ramadi. I have never been the same. I was supposed to celebrate my Daughters Birthday yesterday(July 4, 2010). I failed.

Putting my cares on Jesus Christ is what has helped me.