How do you keep score?

[BlueOrange]

I want to do better every day. I promised myself I would do that, and I've fought hard to keep that promise. I didn't win that fight every day, but I think I'm winning the war.

I want to be able to prove that I'm winning. Surely, collecting another merit badge is the way to do that? Identifying myself as "the brave survivor who helped" is wearing thin. But how can I find my way without a compass? How do I keep score, and check whether I'm winning or not?

 

[Suzetig]

I think it depends on what you see as "winning". For me it looks like me managing day to day life, getting up, going to work, doing stuff that I need to. It also means coping when I feel triggered, seeking support when I need it, engaging in therapy, maintaining friends and family relationships to. I don't keep score as such, I take stock to see how things have been - and I try not to best myself up when I tip over or don't manage so well.

Not sure if that helps but it's how I know I'm doing ok/better...

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I used to see this as a war, but my therapist recommended that I stop viewing it. It makes it easier for me to fight myself less. But that is just me. It makes me feel less terrible when I am struggling, too. Now I just have to take some time every now and then to look at progress. What can I do this month that I couldn't do last month? or What have I learned about myself that is helping me? I do set goals for myself and try to meet those.

 

[arfie]

In my personal case, needing to prove I was winning was a HUGE part of the problem. In retrospect, I don't know who I was trying to compete with, much less which game I thought I was playing, or what enemy I thought I was fighting.

These days my only measure is, "How do I feel today?" Even there, it is not a contest. I don't need a detailed analysis of today versus yesterday, me versus s\he or me against the world. These days I save my score keeping for board games and sporting events. Sure feels allot more serene. Reckon I could assign serenity a 10 point value...

But that is me...

Gentle support while you find what works for you, BlueOrange.

 

[Joan]

I was challenged to do an art project (but that is something that really woks for me) to look at the peaks over the last year. I looked back at journals, art, etc...to measure how though life can still suck at moments, I am not where I was a year ago,
I also make a gratitude list each day and a success list...at first my successes were...I pulled myself out of 3 flashbacks, or I got out of bed and got dressed...they have transitioned to setting boundaries or working on art, etc.

Those are just things that have worked for me. I hope that you can find something that works for you.

 

[StellaBlue]

I have kept a daily DBT diary card, which I've customized to track things I want to monitor, for over a year now. It's not so much to see if I'm "winning", but rather to watch for trends...especially if I'm spiralling down. It's also been a good record for what works and doesn't work for me....what triggers me...how I've successfully or unsuccessfully dealt with things.

In a lot of ways it does show that I'm "winning"...I guess I prefer the term healing.

 

[The Albatross]

... how can I find my way without a compass? How do I keep score, and check whether I'm winning or not?

Get a compass and do a daily review to keep score. I have a map and a set of daily things I set myself to do. Some are fixed, some are voluntary and flexible, some are optional. But... before I attempt anything, I take a look at my map and find myself by the big red arrow that says "You are HERE"... and do the things management wise that will help me negotiate the things through the day. If I start to crash or fail... I have an agreement with myself that I can cancel or postpone the voluntary/flexible and optional commitments.

But... I gotta have that map, and I have to be diligent about knowing "where" I am. If I don't know, then I spend some time in the morning figuring it out and adjust accordingly.

 

[Justmehere]

For me, I have a list of things I value, such as...
- helping kids
- maintaining a clean home to welcome people in
- etc, etc...
and at the end of the day, I jot a quick note about what I worked on.

In the end, all the ways I identify myself end up fading. As a student I had a goal: grades. At work, another goal... But in the end, it can all be taken away and even if it isn't taken away, it all does wear thin.

So I also have on that list the things I value the most - and that has to do with faith in God, and the things that last even after death. Remembering those goals in life helps me keep going when everything else fails.

 

[Friday]

For myself, I only keep score in games. In fact, it's a good tell for me; whether I'm keeping score or not. For example, when I was catting around purely for fun, I kept score. When sex became a coping mechanism? I quit counting. When it would go back to being a sport, I started counting again. When sex became this deeply meaningful thing in a committed relationship? Also quit counting. But if we were having a bit of fun over the weekend, turning sex into a game for whatever reason, I may very well start counting just in that instance. It may even become an inside joke. But that would only be a facet of our sexlife. Not the whole of it.

When something is qualitative, rather than quantitative... Or when it's meaningful or necessary... I don't keep score. It's not about winning. It's about being.

If I've gotten to the point where I need a win? Things are bad.

If I've gotten to the point where I'm assigning numbers to things? Things are either meaningless or lighthearted.

_______

ETA : I was married to an engineer. I had to break everything down with him into black and white, numerical values, quantitative things. My son is a numbers-guy. He's actually taught me to see the beauty in numbers, programs, equations, code. I can understand that some people who see the world like that. It's neither good nor bad, just simply is. But my mind simply doesn't work that way. Both my ex and my son transmute quantitative into qualitative. It's pretty fascinating to see the things they can create that way. Of course, my ex is a sick SOB who keeps score with people, having to win conversations and score points over people to raise himself up by putting others down. Static equations. In order for one to rise, another must fall. My son uses the same kind of mind to do things entirely differently. He uses his thought processes synergistically. Instead of putting others down, he does the whole 'tide raises all boats' kinds of things. He adds things together until the sum is greater than the whole of its parts.

 

[The Albatross]

I guess to me it is a game. The biggest, highest stake game I'll ever play/participate in. The game of life. I score my successes and self examine rather than punitively deduct for my short comings or failures. What turned me around was taking aim at character development and then consistency... now resilience or spontaneous resilience.

 

[kagamine]

I try not to measure myself in comparison to others. Objectively it's pretty clear I still struggle a lot, and to an extent most people only do with chronic SMI, but I laughed genuinely and uproariously at three things this morning, because I have basic emotions again. I can leave the house and talk to people occasionally, I can get through a bad day without self harming or being self destructive (most of the time), and I don't find myself checking out as much.

 

[The Albatross]

I use my own measuring stick based on my core values and beliefs... and pretty much try to let others do the same. "To thyne own self be true"... I get some peace and calm that way.