How Do You Know When You Should Change Therapists?

[pi314159]

It's in my nature to be loyal and just accept what I've got.......but I'm not sure any more. I've been seeing him for 4 months on a fortnightly basis normally for 30mins (if I'm lucky).

I just feel like he doesn't care and doesn't really have time for me. I need more time and more help.

I wrote him a 6 page letter detailing the parts of my abuse that I can remember and mailed it to him so he could read it before I went in to my last session and we could start EMDR. I turned up to the session expecting to deal with my past but instead he was running an hour late and then only gave me a 15 minute session and said in the next session we would start EMDR. This left me feeling like shit- it took a week to write that letter and 2 days to work up the courage to send it - I had hopes that he would have something comforting to say - that he would make me feel like all my pain was justified - instead it felt more like someone confirming my abuse wasn't bad enough.

I don't know what to do...

 

[Lucycat]

Hmmm. This does not sound good!

It does not sound as if you have trust and respect for your T. Maybe you never did, or maybe it is just waning. It certainly does not sound like the ideal therapeutic relationship.

I too, would be very upset to be treated like this. Sure, there have been times when my appointment has been late, but never cut short as a result. I remember how stressed I was at starting EMDR. I now believe there was no need to be so worried about it, but that first session is so important. To have it put off after you have sat worrying about it is not on.

If it were me, I would send T another letter or an email, simply explaining how I felt. That I was upset to have worked so hard to have sent a letter and then not have it validated. That I felt I was being sold short, that I was desperate to start the therapy that, presumably he had recommended to help me heal. I would tell him that it left me feeling like shit. I would not hold back, I would put it just like that, so he understands just how important this is to me.

In my opinion, one of the consequences of abuse is the feeling of not being in control- of your own life - of anything. When therapy is not working right it reinforces that feeling of not being in control. It makes you feel like you are floundering or drowning, and as you say, you don't know what to do.

It is up to you, of course. It also depends on your options. Here I get on really well with my T, although there have been frustrations along the way. But even if he were dreadful, I don't have the option of changing to anyone else. There is just nothing else available. I don't know if the same applies to you, or if you have the luxury of a choice of therapists all queuing up to help you. Either way, I would not ditch him until I had explained the problem and heard his response.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
Lucy x

 

[Ted Moen]

In my opinion, if you have been seeing a therapist over 90 days and are not developing a therapeutic alliance or bond with the therapist it is time to try another therapist. It's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean that the therapist is a bad therapist or you are a bad patient or hopeless or anything like that. It just means that the two of you together don't result in that therapeutic team that is needed to work through the issues you need to work through.

Ted

 

[pi314159]

Thanks for your comments. I just went and saw the GP who referred me to my psychiatrist. He said that he would like me to continue going to see the psychiatrist but I should also come and speak to him. I like him he's blunt and funny - exactly what I need. He's calling my pysch to discuss changing my meds because I'm not coping with the anxiety and depression very well at the moment.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Pi,

If I were you, I would be seriously looking for a new therapist. 30 minutes or less on a fortnightly basis really isn't enough. I would certainly be very concerned to hear you were undergoing EMDR in the same time frame. In my opinion, and from experience 15-30 minutes just isn't long enough for a therapy session, and certainly not long enough for an EMDR session (since you need plenty of 'safe-place' relaxation time, following the intense EMDR session).

The fact that he didn't acknowledge your letter, sends alarm bells ringing to me. You have a right to be 'heard', and after opening up to him, feeling like shit, is the last thing you need.

Medical Doctors (GP's) and Psychiatrists all have a place in your healing (my GP is amazing), but you NEED a good therapist too. And I'm sorry to say, that from what you have written, your T doesn't sound good.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Pi,

Just wondering, since you started this thread, how things have progressed? Are you still seeing the same T, and if so has he made any changes? You mention your GP and your Psychiatrist, but not your T so I am wondering if your Psychiatrist is actually in charge of your therapy?

Hope things are going better anyway, and I hope you finally got acknowledgment of your letter.

Best wishes,
Lucy x

 

[pi314159]

Hi,

My psychiatrist is in charge of my therapy - so I was referring to my psychiatrist as my T. I haven't seen him since I started this thread. I only see him fortnightly - I'm seeing him tomorrow and I am supposed to be doing EMDR so it will be interesting to see how long the session goes for or if he puts it off....again.

I wanted a psychologist but my GP says he wants me to stay with the psychiatrist because he's good at dealing with trauma and they have a good working relationship. My GP is going to see me on the alternate fortnights to overcome the fact I don't feel like I'm getting enough time.

I guess I'll just wait and see. At least I have this forum now ;)