How do you manage disrespect from your relationships?

[foreveralone2099]

I'm slowly but surely learning appropriate boundaries: some ex-boyfriends were shit but didn't last; ditto for former job environments. For some time I was happy to have people enjoy themselves at my expense given that it wasn't outright toxic, but I feel that if you don't put the brakes on early it becomes that way. How did you learn self-respect and when did you start confronting people who treated you with less than that? I've been minimizing contact for a long time but I'm finally learning how to stand up for myself effectively. I think it boils down to a sense that my time and energy and happiness are valuable, which I never had before. Abuse, for whatever reason, is an exhausting waste of my time...

 

[Justmehere]

First, I start with respecting myself.

 

[foreveralone2099]

^this is impossible for people who come from a background of abuse
it's something i've had to learn over time, from meeting the odd, kind acquaintance who taught me better.

 

[Friday]

^this is impossible for people who come from a background of abuse

Not impossible. A skill to be learned & practiced.

 

[Deleted member 541]

How do I manage disrespect in a relationship???? If they don’t respect you, it’s time to dump their ass and move on.....

 

[foreveralone2099]

it’s time to dump their ass and move on.....

for intimate relationships this is the obvious solution, when it's your boss there needs to be some kind of negotiation at stake.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Boundaries. Even with a boss isn’t impossible.

 

[foreveralone2099]

^this is a very facile comment from someone at the other end of a modem but you grew up in an environment where these did not exist you cannot know what's appropriate and what's not.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Well, I know it isn’t appropriate to be involved with a man that is living with another woman that has been abused. And don’t you dare try and blame her for any of this. You have a skewed outlook on life and relationships because of the abuse that you have suffered.

So instead of trying to fix yourself you slut yourself out and say it’s OK!!!! You blame others and don’t take responsibility for your actions. It’s just easier to be the way that you are than to try and change. So you cop out on getting better and continue the abusive behavior that you’ve been involved with for most of your life. In other words, you’re into self abuse!!! You like it, you thrive on it. Because it’s what you’ve always known. What a cop out and a cowards way to live.

 

[Gs172003]

^this is a very facile comment from someone at the other end of a modem but you grew up in an...

Why do you ask questions you don't want the answer to?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Zoogal Beause she is trying to justify her actions....

 

[Justmehere]

Changing negative core beliefs is very possible. (We have a whole sub-forum on the topic.)

It means you have to start disagreeing with absuive people that anyone is deserving of disrespect. It may take seeking out and sticking to treatment in order to get to a place to be able to do that, but it’s not impossible.

Declaring it to be impossible to change negative core beliefs is how one perpetuates the false core belief and cognitive distortions.

Choosing to instead to start challenging such negative self is the first step. Try using the search bar for “challenging cognitive distortions” and you’ll find lots of great info on this site about how to do that, and many trauma survivors who are doing it.