How do you not take on other's "stuff".

[AngelKeeperJ]

Wow, there's a LOT of helpful stuff here! I need to take notes!

One thing I have learned from being "overly empathic" for others', is that it is easier, and more comfortable for me to empathize with THEM, than it is to give myself the mercy and grace that we give to other people while empathizing with them...I often care how THEY are feeling rather than how I am feeling.

Regarding the word "hate". For YEARS, I said "I hate the holidays...I hate Christmas...because it emphasized my losses, my sadness, my painful memories. Someone suggested I "drop" the words "I hate the holidays" and try to think of ways to describe things that aren't really part of the hate about the holidays. Like pretty lights, or children's reactions to Christmas and the trees, songs, spreading joy, and remembering that my faith is more celebrated than the lack of money for gifts, or bad memories. It has worked, and I don't focus on the bad anymore. The first year was the hardest.

Along with visualizing a stop sign you can visualize a DVD player, and the "eject" button, putting in a movie that you DO like, and doing your best to remember what you like about it, etc. Scenes, words, and whatever else "speaks" to you that is good. It helps US (yep, I'm still working on it....) to "get away" from our present moments that we DON'T like.

Regarding abandonment, I "learned" from my upbringing (preacher's kid) either by absorbing an unspoken rule, or by the example shown to me from my parents, that expressing anger, or any other negative emotion, led to abandonment, or fear of abandonment.

I must be off to do some empathizing...see ya soon....:hug:

 

[Rani G2]

Lostforgottensoul

same mechanism here. My T asks me to guide the “vulnerable, hurt inner child“ (She talks about various parts) I suck at this. She asks me to acknowledge, be there for her.“ Whenever you feel hurt, recognize! Dont distract dont run away from that pain. Look!!! I am not truly working on that. I thought I did.

The mother/ father introject plays a role maybe. If parents insert a certain belief, by repeatingly reaffirming it, then our ratingsystem operates in a certain way.



Urghh

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My T asks me to guide the “vulnerable, hurt inner child“ (She talks about various parts) I suck at this. She asks me to acknowledge, be there for her.“ Whenever you feel hurt, recognize! Dont distract dont run away from that pain. Look!!! I am not truly working on that. I thought I did.

I know I have an "inner child" as I can feel "her" very distinctly and have regressed emotionally as well since my mom has passed. I can also feel this "inner child" way more since she died and a lot of times is screaming, inside me, to be heard.

But i, dare I say, hate her. Or at least very angry and rageful at "her".

I did get to a point of just talking to "her" to show "her" a little bit of understanding and trying to at least a little bit like "her".

Today, I can't seem to not be very angry at "her" and like I say, dare I say hate as in i hate "her".

But trying not say "hate" so I need to try to soften that self language. Especially to my "inner child" and "she" is way more prominent now. Or something.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul When someone doesn't like you and they say things about you, then why would you want them to like you??? What exactly are you getting out of this behavior? There is something that you are getting out of it, I'm just not sure what. What emotions are attached to it? Why is it so important for that person to like you?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Why is it so important for that person to like you?

Great question, i don't know for sure.

I know I have severe abanonment issues. Ummm, emotions. Hmmm, i honestly don't know. I know that during my entire childhood, as far back as I can remember, I was bullied badly and I always felt unwanted, unloved, hated, that kind of stuff. I never had any friends. Not in elementry school, middle school, or high school.

My mom also said a TON that I was supposed to have been an abortion and showed me pictures of abortions to show me.

Not sure if that has anything to do with it.

Maybe what I get out of it is to re-enforce "i'm bad"? I don't know. I was told in a millon different ways that I was bad, horrible, should die and was handed a loaded gun & begged to kill myself. I was the "demon child" (apparently there's only one and that was me).

I mean, I don't know. There's all sorts of reasons i want everyone to like me but what I get out of it? I am unsure about that.

 

[Muttly]

what you said in your last post made me really sad for you. What a horrible thing to experience from your mother. For children likable is a survival skill. Children are dependent on others so they try to be liked so they will be well taken care of. Given your history, perhaps it makes sense that you have carried that forward in time.

I want to thank you for making this thread. I read it yesterday and it helped me today at work. I have some coworkers who I've been struggling with. It's not so much they say bad things about me, but they are negative about a whole lot of things in words and body language. If things don't go they way they want and expect it can create all sorts of outfall. Today was one of those days and early on I started saying to myself "My energy is my own". Just that, as a reminder that I didn't have to take on what they were emitting and it helped. It was something that I could remember and connect with (I'm not much of a visualizer.)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Today was one of those days and early on I started saying to myself "My energy is my own". Just that, as a reminder that I didn't have to take on what they were emitting and it helped. It was something that I could remember and connect with

Aww, that awesome!

Yeah, growing up in a cult is a rather confusing thing.

I talk about the cult a lot here (people here are probably getting sick of hearing it) but its just because of the uncommon issues and the fight between my "programmed" brain and the part of me that is healing and wants healing and all. It feels like two parts of myself fighting in my head. Its hard and makes you want to slam your head against a wall for all of enternity.

 

[Muttly]

Aww, that awesome!

Yeah, growing up in a cult is a rather confusing thing.

I talk about the cult a lot here (people here are probably getting sick of hearing it) but its just because of the uncommon issues and the fight between my "programmed" brain and the part of me that is healing and wants healing and all. It feels like two parts of myself fighting in my head. Its hard and makes you want to slam your head against a wall for all of enternity.

I still hate that word "programming". I didn't grow up in a cult, but I was talking to my therapist once about my family and we agreed that it had all the elements of a cult. I know how it feels to have those parts battling. I've gotten a lot of space between myself and my family but the messages from them are still so loud.

And I think in that kind of environment, what others think of you becomes so important. Because it's all you have and because it determines so much what is going to happen. If you are out of line with the programming (being disliked) there will be consequences. Does that make sense?

 

[joeylittle]

Though, why does it matter so much what they think of me? It does matter, to me, a ton...but why?

Because, people who experience ongoing trauma in early life may not develop a stable sense of self. We create our sense of self in part from the input we are given: love a child unconditionally, consistently, and they will likely believe that they are deserving of love. Abuse a child consistently, and they will believe they are deserving of abuse. Appear to love the child sometimes and abuse them other times, and the child will not know whether they are deserving of love or of abuse; so, the self has a little gap in it.

We use our sense of self to navigate relationships. When the self is not fully cultivated, the individual ends up 'plugging' the holes in the identity with information gleaned from others - and so, when the information appears bad, the individual both absorbs it and rejects it - they see it as a confirmation of the damage from childhood, but they also know that it is painful. The power to reject it is wholly given to the person holding the judgement, because the individual (since childhood) was never allowed to just be who they were; they had to be whatever they were expected to be in order to survive.

I don't have a sense of self. I have values - I know what I believe in, and I want to be that person - but I honestly don't believe I even am a person. It's utterly illogical, and I know that - but I grew up with the message that I was not normal and did not belong with people so ingrained on me, that I find I don't know how to penetrate it.

I am susceptible to painting myself with whatever the nearest brush is, and other people hold all the brushes. But I'm aware of it, and it's not really part of my pathology/symptomology - my bigger issue is having no concept of being a person. Of existing, really. When I find things that let me feel alive and present and full, I can tell that they are really healthy for me because I actually think I'm really there. It's hard to explain. I have a long way to go before my belief in myself as a person is internalized to the degree that I can make use of it when I need.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does that make sense?

Completely.

It's hard to explain.

No, I totally get what you're describing.

but I honestly don't believe I even am a person. It's utterly illogical, and I know that - but I grew up with the message that I was not normal and did not belong with people so ingrained on me, that I find I don't know how to penetrate it.

That's it! You just described me. Well, the whole post. I often say i am "other" and "not like everyone else". Those are the words I've used here as "non-human" wouldn't if really been understood as well. My therapist asked "well, are you alien?" We have been going into circles about this very topic for the entire 8 years of therapy. He tries to tap into my rational side where I can see that I am obviously human, but I don't feel human. Not like I see the remainder of other humans. So the "other" catigory is reserved just for me.

This:

I am susceptible to painting myself with whatever the nearest brush is, and other people hold all the brushes.

Sounds exactly like what I am describing. Me, as a person (or alien) what I am, who I am, everything about me is and has always been an ongoing painting and everyone but me has a brush.

I guess the process of therapy is to learn how to take a brush and say "no, i am this color and that color" or whatever.

 

[Rani G2]

know I have an "inner child" as I can feel "her" very distinctly and have regressed emotionally as well since my mom has passed. I can also feel this "inner child" way more since she died and a lot of times is screaming, inside me, to be heard.

My heartfelt sympathies Lostforgottensoul! Thats a painful experience there. You say you feel your inner child, but you hate her. I think even from knowing that, you have gained something. I have not come that far, at most times, I just ignore or deny. The pain seems to overlap that.

The only time I felt my parts were through Biofeedback. Which was a strange and scary experience.

I wish you strength on your yourney.

Shankara

 

[rosey]

@lostforgottensoul

Do you like everyone you come into contact with? i am guessing not. So why would everyone like you? people not liking you is not always a personal thing, you might trigger a bad memory off for them just by having your hair sytle (we all on here know how triggers work). try to accept that what people think of you is in fact their stuff (unless you are being seriously offensive, which I doubt). if someone doesnt like you is it really a big deal and you are not a sales pitch, dont adjust yourself to suit someone elses likes if people dont like you for who you are then you dont want them in your life. there are plently of people in the world find people you can be authentic with the others are just passer byes and as such if they like you or not it doesnt matter.