Relationship How Do You Respond, When It Is Obvious They Are Feeling Down?

[Chris516]

When they say "I don't care", after you say you do care. How do you respond?

I am asking this question, because I was curious how others reacted to the PTSD-Sufferer saying this.

 

[Sandi79]

I try not to take it personally.

I have realized that they mean what they say when they say it. When he says he loves me, he truly loves me. When he says he does not love me, in that moment, he does not love me.

It does not mean the love or care is gone. It just means in that moment, he can't love me.

 

[Chris516]

Sandi, I don't take it personally. What makes me sad, is not that she doesn't care what I think(since I know that is probably just an 'in the moment' feeling). But that she is so down, she doesn't care what happens. Because, In the end, I know what I say matters to her.

 

[Barconian]

Because, In the end, I know what I say matters to her.

How do you know?

 

[Chesapeake]

Possibly the "i don't care" is her way of surrendering and escaping . She might care, but not have the skills or emotional strength to voice her opinion or ask for what she wants. I'm not sure what the situation is so my opinion might not be pertinent.

 

[Chris516]

Barconian, How do I know, what? Can you be more specific as to which part you are asking about.

 

[bell]

@Chris516, what is your end goal here?

Do you want to stay just online friends with her? Do you want a romantic relationship with her?

I think that finding out that answer will help you on your way to best helping your friend.

 

[Chris516]

@Chesapeake, Don't sell yourself short. Yes, She could be surrendering and escaping. I do think her emotional strength has been brittle for two years, definitely. Because of the chaos going on in her life.

@bell, I know, I want a relationship with her. Even with her PTSD(and potential NPD).

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I'm a sufferer and I hope it's ok if I chime in and offer a little insight on what I mean when I say "I don't care". It probably doesn't mean the same thing for all sufferers so I'll speak for myself.

When I say "I don't care" I'm usually to the point where my PTSD cup is full. I care about the person their thoughts and feelings but in that moment whatever is filling up my cup is starting to overwhelm me and I'm usually trying to focus on it so I can do something about it.

It's as though in that moment I can care about one thing at a time. Either what's causing my cup to fill up and the effects it's having and the tools I need to choose to work with it or I can choose to care about the details the person is referencing.

The hard part is if I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and I try to focus on details I get lost because at that point physically anxiety is starting to effect me and how clearly I can think to focus.

Simply put I still care about the person and the situation. I just can't focus on both at once. I hope that makes sense.

 

[bell]

@Chris516, before you make too many decisions, I think you should meet her in person. Or at the very least Skype.

We can convince ourselves of anything about anyone online, but it's not until we meet that we truly know if they are everything that we think/have imagined in our heads. Because, like it or not, you don't know her as fully as you might think you do.

 

[Chris516]

Bell, I have known her since 2003. When her (late)fiance(U.S. Army Lt.) broke up with her in 2004, not telling her why. She told me in utter tears. While it may seem like I bullied her. I got her to give me his Yahoo Messenger contact info. I contacted him. He naturally initially gave me a 'four-letter' retort. I finally got him to calm down, and tell me why. He told me, he had a 'premonition', that he would be coming back from his second tour of duty in Iraq, in a pine box(KIA). Then I asked him if he would like me to tell her, or he would like to tell her. He chose to tell her, and they got back together. Sadly, His 'premonition' came true. First he was MIA, until they found him a month later, then his status was changed to KIA His death affected me so much, I had a 'remembrance' bracelet made with his name rank, platoon, company, division, army, and date of death.

But yes, I know the dangers of meeting someone online.

 

[Chris516]

Blackbird, I appreciate your 'chiming in'.

I figured, it was her way of saying that, emotionally in the moment, her cup was full. Because, In August 2012 after she was released from the hospital, she sent me the YouTube link to the Faith Hill song 'It Matters To Me'

Yes, One thing at a time.

Yes, It can be overwhelming. One detail at a time.

Yes, It makes sense.