Relationship How Do You Respond, When It Is Obvious They Are Feeling Down?

[Barconian]

@Chris516 How do you know that your friend thinks that you you matter to her?

That was a pretty sad premonition your friends partner had about dying on the next tour. Your friend would have felt overwhelmed by it all. Probably still blames herself! If you want to help this girl, you need to keep your emotions out and maybe set a routine that doesn't change on her or she will freak out again :( The hardest thing about internet communication is that there is no body language... Everything else is there!

 

[Chris516]

Barconian, When my friend is thinking clearly, like when she sent me the link to the video as a form of an apology for all the times she had been mean and/or critical, I knew then, that I mattered to her. Because, She has never called me a derogatory, profane name. She has said the occasional F-you and F-off(usually followed a couple days later by her saying I am ignoring her). But never a derogatory or profane name.

I am sure, at this point, that she doesn't blame herself for his death. Because, Within two years, she married a guy she went to high school with.

I agree with you on setting a routine that doesn't change on her. By keeping my "emotions out", can I presume you mean, for me to make sure my emotions don't get the better of me?

Not only is there no body language. She doesn't use smileys at all. So, It is easy for me to misinterpret the emotions of a given response.

 

[Barconian]

By keeping my "emotions out", can I presume you mean, for me to make sure my emotions don't get the better of me?

You presume correctly :)

 

[bell]

Thanks for your answer, @Chris516, I have one more question, which, I think, in this situation, is important to address. In the past 10 years, have you been in any relationships or have you just wanted to be with her?

If it's the latter, then she may be feeling some pressure there, which is adding to the isolation/withdrawing. Because if you have not been pursuing other relationships, she probably knows why... why can compound her stress levels with PTSD. If it's the former, then feel free to ignore this query.

 

[Chris516]

Bell, In the past ten years, I have been in two other relationships.

 

[Barconian]

Because if you have not been pursuing other relationships, she probably knows why... why can compound her stress levels with PTSD.

A Catholic Priest can have relationships like Chris does with his friend and not have other relationships! So it is irrelevant whether you are single or not, no matter how many years go by.

 

[bell]

In some cases, some people stay single because they are in love with someone else. That someone else almost always knows. That is what I am talking about as for extra pressure. As if you know someone is in love with you it can totally bring up massive issues with PTSD... whether you are or are not in a relationship. If you are not in a relationship, the questions surrounding this alone could definitely exacerbate PTSD symptoms!

Since Chris has been in other relationships, then that may not be why she's been pulling away. As he's looking for causes, just bringing one more up and eliminating from the possibilities.

 

[Chris516]

Bell, I recently told my friend how I have been emotionally supportive of her in the interest of her happiness, all these years. I have not pressed the issue during all these years.

 

[bell]

I'm not saying you pressed her. This has nothing to do with pressing, I'm afraid. Just the knowledge that someone loves us (and it sounds like in your case it's been a long time) and has done so for awhile, can be, in a way, practically paralyzing.

 

[Chris516]

Bell, I know you you weren't saying I pressed her. I was saying why I haven't pressed.

How do you mean 'practically paralyzing'? I re-read it a couple times, to see if I would get the cobwebs out of my head. But no luck. So, What did you mean?

 

[bell]

If your sense of self worth is sh*it, then to come to terms with someone actually truly loving you is terrifying. Hence, pushing/pulling, isolating, etc. To have someone see the real you behind all the crap is *super* scary because they know all your flaws and are *still* there, in that place where few, if any, have been... in love with the you that is you, not the you that is PTSD.

If you have to read what I wrote several times, then you can imagine some of the craziness that could be going through her own head, with the "I don't understand what's going on!" Mind you, this is just one scenario, but if she knows you love her, this could explain a lot.

I'm not saying this to deter you, just to explain what could be going on.

 

[Chris516]

Bell, Okay that is what you meant by 'practically paralyzing'. I told her how I felt.