How Do You Stay Safe?

[EveHarrington]

How do you keep yourself safe in friendships/relationships?

I am asking because I avoid all kinds of relationships due to not wanting to set myself up to be abused/mistreated/victimized again.

I really don't let anybody in and I don't have any friends because when I think of other people I only see that they would want me around so that they could use me for whatever reason. This has been what's happened in the past when if try to open myself up and make friends. Everybody wants something. This is reinforced by the fact that the idea of using people to get what I want is so incredibly foreign to me------. That is, yeah, if I wanted to use people I'd be out there actively trying to make friends but I don't use people so I don't seek out friends. Maybe you think this is messed up but in my mind, in a world where people only use each other, it makes perfect sense.

I know the safety issue is just one part of why I am alone. I know I have a lot of issues and I don't know if I'll ever sort them all out so that I could have friends at one point.

I don't even think any of this makes sense.

How do you keep yourself safe?

It's ok if I don't get any responses. I know this is a weird post. I realize most people won't be able to identify with what I'm saying as most people here have friends and partners.

 

[FauxLiz]

@EveHarrington I understand what you are saying but I really don't have an answer to your question. I don't have a partner and as for friends as I have explained to my T I am friendly with many people but I don't have friends. I don't trust people, have no idea how to have a relationship with someone like that and that is I suppose how I stay safe. It can be very lonely but I don't get hurt this way. I am sorry I don't have more advice for you but I didn't want you to think you were alone.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you @FauxLiz it makes me feel less alone :hug:

 

[Femke]

I stay away from real relationships now. Besides the fact that I'm not a good partner myself right now, I also find it scary to trust a guy again. I don't think I will have a relationship ever again. I used to attract people who abused and used me and I don't want that anymore. So I too stay safe by avoidance :-S As for friends... I have some people I see regularly. But I too find it difficult to really let them in and trust them. The few people I do get closer to are extremely gentle, sensitive, honest people. When someone isn't like that, I keep all my walls up. I can chat with them, but I won't let them in.

 

[Silver.]

It's hard to always know how much you should reveal to people and when, because then you feel like you have lowered your guard and made yourself vulnerable. But I think most friendships start almost "superficially", in the way that you talk about safe subjects, things you both are interested in, that kind of thing. More topics, conversation and activities will start to come with the more openness and the more level of trust you build.

But I think the most important thing that I have found in life, is that when the same types of things keep happening in relationships or friendships, it's because we keep meeting people in the same types of places or situations.
If we start looking to meet people outside of our normal comfort zone, we meet different people that are more suited to friendships or relationships.
Not sure if this makes sense or not, but I do hope it can help x

 

[illusionist]

It is a good question.....something I used to ask myself a lot as I looked on at others.

First thing I did was to get rid of the word ' used '......a relationship works both ways. What I give into the relationship I do because I choose to...it is my choice, so I'm in total control of that. If someone chooses to take and not give respect etc..they are not in my life anymore....I can control that as well. It's all about boundaries...it really, really is. My boundaries used to be non existent, hence being with the wrong people years ago.

Long term relationship, to me, takes long term to gain genuine trust....it takes experiences together to build that up...you can't know someone's true character in a short space of time.

I started out with my partner with basically no expectations relationship wise...I enjoyed the moment and allowed things to go the way they were going to go...no pressure. The hard work started for me, when I fell in love with him....but I / we worked on it as we had enough of a background to know that we had a lot going for us.

No relationship comes without chances of it going wrong.....for a multitude of reasons...it's the chance we take if we wish to share our lives with others.

 

[Sideways]

Take this with a grain of salt, because I don't have many friends, and I get lonely. I'm working on it!

There seems to be 2 distinct elements: the degree to which I'm putting upp boundaries to protect myself, and the degree to which I believe others can't be trusted. Different issues, different solutions.

The boundary issue, I need to lower them. Just a little, enough to let others in superficially and give them a chance to earn some trust, then I can gradually start to lower my boundaries.

The second issue is about my perception of others, that they are inherently untrustworthy. This is where my schemas that my trauma caused are interfering. 2 in particular.

The social isolation/alienation schema causes me to go around with an underlying belief that I am different from the rest of the world and not part of any community.

The mistrust/abuse schema, again caused by trauma, means I have ab underlying belief that 'others will hurt, abuse, humiliate, cheat, lie, manipulate, or take advantage of me.'

Both those schemas are a perception issue. They are like a biased pair of glasses I wear all the time causing everything I see to be warped by these underlying beliefs. The first step to fixing these schemas is to identfy our own behaviour and the way that we act in response to these schemas, and then we can start to alternour behaviour to more healthy patterns, which in the long term will start to erode the strength of those underlying beliefs.

So, how much are my boundaries keeping people away/keeping me safe? And how do I perceive people that are potential friends?

Not a quick fix, but dipping your toe in even though it feels uncomfortable and our schemas are telling us it feels unsafe is a good start.

 

[Friday]

I never do anything I don't want to.

 

[illusionist]

As always @Friday says it all.

 

[Lionheart]

I think for me, growing up without any boundaries made me very open, needy, and vulnerable to the wrong types of people and so I closed myself off...thinking it was better to just suffer the loneliness.

As I began to heal and establish appropriate boundaries; learned how to slowly build trust, and grew stronger mentally and emotionally, I became willing to risk being vulnerable.

I also knew that I would no longer accept unacceptable behavior from others and that although I might get hurt, I would heal, recover, pick up the pieces and move on, growing even stronger than before.

So I don't know if one can stay safe in a relationship as it requires a degree of vulnerability to forge emotionally intimate friendships and there is always a risk of being hurt.

Still, I believe one can grow strong enough; heal and recover to the point that it is not such a devestating trauma when someone else lets us down so that, we can and do form intimate relationships.......maybe for the first time in years.

This is my two cents so please take it for what it is.

 

[EmmaOwl]

I have a lot of issues and I don't know if I'll ever sort them all out so that I could have friends at one point.

Eve, I am the same way. It's been this way for me for a long time. It sucks, doesn't it? I'm sorry :(

Sometimes I notice a lot of advice, getting through tough spots, and so on, that revolve around a person's friends and loved ones. Meanwhile I'm thinking "Oh. I used to have friends and loved ones. I'd really like to take this advice, but...." It is simply not directed to the way my life works. If you want a perspective like yours, I'm around here, and you can pm if you want,.

Sorry I don't have anything for you on the "staying safe" question.

 

[EveHarrington]

Will come back soon. Not in the right frame of mind right now. Thanks all. :hug: