Relationship How Do You Stay Sane As A Supporter?

[Dallas]

The more I think about this problem, the more I wonder if it may be a matter of extricating oneself from the role of "supporter" and allowing yourself to just being around for support.

Exactly monicaelise! That's what I do and so far it's working pretty good. If he needs help, I know he'll ask. If not, that's his own business. Just like I wouldn't want him trying to interfere and solve all my problems. If I want his opinion or help with something I'll ask him.

He's kicked me out twice and right before I move out he changes his mind

Boundaries are important. You have to decide what is acceptable behavior. To me, kicking you out twice is pretty harsh. I don't think I would go back a third time, but that is your call. The more I set my own boundaries, the healthier and stronger our relationship becomes.

it is awfully hard for them not to be the centre of your universe.

I've learned the hard way, the only one I want being the "center of my universe" is God. period. If you allow anyone else into that role, you are headed for disaster. PTSD or not.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[monicaelise]

But as you say, things might get back on track for him and he'll want me back in his life, then what??

I can't honestly say how I would deal with this situation as my longest relationship was only ten years, but I, personally, would give some very serious thought to closing the door on this one. Your children are old enough to recognize the dysfunction and understand your need to distance yourself from it, and probably even offer a little bit of support (if not financial, at least emotional). Also, they are at an age where you can go back to work without incurring massive child care costs and he will be obligated to provide financial support.

You may find that your life is much calmer when he's no longer a constant presence and doesn't have control over your financial well-being. Right now, you are completely at his mercy. If you get out, he will legally have to provide for you and the children.

You might ask yourself what it is you think will happen if/when he returns. Do you want a partner who can treat you the way he has? Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if/when it will happen again? Could you ever trust this man again? If not, what do you see the rest of your life being like with him?

 

[Dallas]

At this stage of my life (I just turned a very young 52) I am looking for a man who loves me, treats me with kindness and respect, will protect me (physically, mentally and spiritually), who wants to be with me (I don't have to beg to see him) and who I love and respect. Anything less for me is just a waste of time.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[discarded]

At this stage of my life (I just turned a very young 52) I am looking for a man who loves me, treats me with kindness and respect, will protect me (physically, mentally and spiritually), who wants to be with me (I don't have to beg to see him) and who I love and respect. Anything less for me is just a waste of time.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

What you have written is exactly how it should be, not all one sided as it is as a supporter. I personally will not be looking for another partner. If one stumbles across my path then maybe I would consider it but he would have to be pretty damn special.

 

[discarded]

Monicaelise, My therapist asked me all of these questions and the answer is no, I am not prepared to have him back and live the same as I had been. I want more, honesty has to be number one on the list so that I can trust him again. My condition would be at the very minimum to go to counselling together. It won't happen, or at least not in the forseeable future.

He does give me child support for our daughter and my 21 year old lives with me, sharing the financial burden for now. I have a lot of sorting out to do on a personal level, depression has hit me again big time. My current work place although not sufficient money wise is my support network. It is a family business plus me and they consider me family. They will offer me more work if things pick up again with the business.

It is not so much can I see a future with him again, but can I see one without him after being together for more than half of my life. That is my struggle, wanting to go on without him.

 

[ISupportHer]

Who said I was sane? :roflmao:

Seriously though, without responding to all the posts above, Music, audiobooks to keep my mind off things when needed. Also friendships here have helped me stay sane. Other things to, of course.

ISH

 

[Breezy]

Thank you all for the points of advice you have provided.

I recognize through our break-up (and subsequent getting back together) that I have lost a lot of confidence in myself and quite a bit of the worry that I have are my insecurities getting the best of me. I have to get that back. I have to be happy with myself and let him deal with the disease. I think I will make a list of positive things in my life and a list of things that I want to do to keep myself happy.

The question that continues to jump out in my mind is "am I getting what I need out of the relationship and as a woman?" Then I begin to think how selfish I am being...even if I'm not. All I want is to feel loved. He loves me. I know that. He says it and tells friends/family etc that he does. But do I feel it? More often than not, I don't.

I read so many peoples posts about the ups and downs when their sufferer is seeking help/treatment. I would give anything to just be at that step...the treatment part.

The optimistic person is still inside of me and, at times, wins over the pessimism that seems to creep into my life. That optimistic person continues to say "Hope springs eternal". I will continue to hold on to hope and love until I can't anymore. My fear is that that time is coming quickly.

OK...enough rambling...hope you all have a great day. :)

 

[discarded]

Breezy, if you are wrong in wanting to feel loved and important to your man then so am I. I don't think it is selfish, just something we all should expect from our relationships. Unfortunately that does not always happen when PTSD is involved, it doesn't mean the love isn't there, just that it is hard to express.

I am starting my journey of finding myself again also. It isn't easy and I hope the end result is worth while. Good luck to you.